Fleeting feeling

 I don't know if I have made progress, but then again it is always hard to see it when I see myself everyday.

"Watching you got me feeling blue."

I wish I could be like a vampire from the shows where we can just turn off our humanity.

Everyday I wish I could turn off my feelings all together. 

This part of my story is about a close friend I have... they said they needed space and its been 3 weeks.

Last time something like this happened, it was another friend who didn't speak to me for a WHOLE MONTH LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?!!?

Another friend advise me to keep giving space for another 2 weeks so that it'll be a month... I just want to wish myself away, pretend I didn't exist... then I wouldn't have gone through all those broken friendships.

I think I am too much for people to handle. I have yet to find someone who can handle me... not even my siblings can handle me. Every keeps saying that people need space. But I have had space for SO LONG THAT I NEED INTERACTIONS NOW. Maybe everyone should go on a trip to a monastery and fucking meditate for 3 years by themselves and see how they feel after those lonely times.

I met a new friend and he's been great, but WAIT FOR IT! He doesn't wanna date me. lol

I am not saying death and money would help fix my life, but it would make it better.

Sleepless

Right now I am in a line to get some fucking donuts… are they good? Mmmm, debatable.

it depends on the flavor in my opinion.

i haven’t slept… well I didn’t sleep last night.

my friend called me to ask if THEY were a good friend.

i still don’t like their partner… because they are connected to… that bitch.

yes they are friends w the ppl that burned space in my mind and let it rot of the memory.

and my friend just told me what they think of me… or not think of me…

oh that pissed me off. I got so angry I started crying.

i hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!

if I could, I would do unholy things to… that bitch. Is it torture? Depend on the laws of the UN. Haha…

I digress.

but I will put spells on all of them.

i will pray for their downfall.

ill put a barrier or protection spell on myself… but i will just slightly jinx them… or more.

who knows??

So yes I am mad. Oh I am pissed. But I will continue on my life and live it to the fullest that my mental state can handle.

i don’t know if anyone saw my last post… but i made a twitter to post more on there rather than here… so go lurk or follow idc. @aroyalplace ☺️

anyway… à bientôt

Alone… alone… alone

 Started putting my words into a “journal” on my phone.

Then I decided, what if I post them to the world? But really no one will see it?

Opposite of putting it here.

So if you want to see more updated posts… you can follow me here: https://x.com/aroyalplace

I might post here from time to time, but I might post there more frequently.

As the clock keeps ticking, I keep getting older, which isn’t fun.

As most of you know, I was supposed to die at the ripe old age of 18. I wanted to kill myself. Well, it had a hidden caveat. If I didn’t get into college, I would’ve killed myself that summer after graduating high school.

Unlucky for me, I did get in… I got in to the only place I applied. Yippie -_-

Now I’ve been forced to live my life the last 9 years… uuugggghhh why????

I keep asking “god” to kill me if “he’s” so real. But alas, he hasn’t. What a fucking waste of time.

I have no goals… mmm that’s not true. I want to travel. But I need money to do so… which means I need a job. That also means I want to do something that takes little to no effort but maximum output of money. That way I can do something so lazy but get paid more than I already do.

You might be wondering, “oh I wonder what they can do.”

I’ll tell you, it’s interpreting. I’ve gone to school for it. I’m actually really good at it. And it doesn’t take a lot of my brain power to do it. So it’s settled. Plus I get paid the big bucks. Hopefully, down the line, I can work from home. WHICH IS EVEN BETTER!!! 

That breaks down the commute time and wasting energy, while putting more focus on using that extra energy to sleep more and to work more efficiently. 

So yeah, I have to live this stupid life. Alone. Doing my own thing. I need to try not to think about being alone and lonely. But I won’t. My brain can’t do that. I’m not in a fictional world where I take a pill to get rid of loneliness. 

Which means I’ll write my lonely thoughts here.

But you don’t mind. You’ll get all the fucking drama my life is willing to offer. Which isn’t much, but it’s enough, hopefully.

crying at work

 hey, i back.... which probably isn't a good thing.

anyway....

I broke up w my ex, had my mom die, had my cat die, my sister proposed to her wife now, got odd jobs, and dealing with BPD every day.

Renewal.

 Holy shit has it been a long time since I typed here.

Remember when I said I would type out my book? Ha! 

I don't think I would have a functioning brain to do it in simple steps.

My life changed. I mean, I got over my ex, I focused on myself, played games, met a community online, made friends, and found someone I liked.

It is now December.

I think I have my life in order, somewhat. Not as orderly as my clothes pile, but I know where everything is at the moment. 

I got a job, finally. After Sears I knew I needed some way of getting money for my loans. I have been paying them off, little by little. Each paycheck I get, goes towards my loans. There are other factors such as; gas, therapist, medication, phone bill, medical/dental, and helping pay for our house. 

If everything goes smoothly, by next year... a whole year, I should be 80% finished paying off the loans.

Then I can focus on myself some more! Continue learning Japanese and Sign Language, going to visit my friends, finding a better job, and playing games that I love.

Speaking of games, I got the official game of Our Story and I cannot wait to play it! I'm still wondering whether or not I should stream it, since its a story mode game. Other games I play usually have a goal or I just fight bad guys. I never know if people will like what I put out, but I keep playing because I love doing it. 

So, quick update, I guess; still going to my brothers for fam dindin on Tuesdays, seeing a lovely therapist every other Tuesday (over the phone), going to work Wed-Sun, playing or streaming Mon-Tues, and getting money while looking for other jobs. My job now sucks, the customers are rude as hell, I am not allowed to go overtime because my job doesn't wanna pay me more, but since there seems to be ticket losses throughout the day I might get longer hours.... I love my life so far.

I also found more witches to practice with and to ask questions. Got a stone to help with protection. Recently bought new bras because my old ones were starting to unravel. No really, they started to come undone. I also got new shoes!!! They are sketchers and I love them! 

I say, that I have accomplished a lot of things... looking back I feel good about myself.

Well, that's all.

Peace.

Hallucinations or Predictions?

 Last night I was not feeling well and I took some medicine that would help with my pain.

I had such a weird dream that it felt real. Like I was having hallucinations. 

I was older, happier, and I think I found a partner. I could never see them, so I don't know if I will marry a man or woman.

I was at a coffee shop and found a book... but once I opened it up, it took me to my memories.

It was a book that I wrote. I was very good and I was surprised that I got it published....

Now I am on my journey to write it.... so I think that from now on, I might use this to type out my book.....

 

Peace.

sleepover!

I forgot when, but I slept over one night at someone's place, but it was so hard to fall asleep.
The water fountain was dripping.
The air was on a low whistle.
And the light from somewhere was on, but it was bright blue.

I tossed and turned until I could get some sleep.
That's when a stupid boy try to wake me up.
He was bothering me so I kicked him... well I thought I only kicked him in my sleep, but I kinda jolted awake cause I actually kicked him.
Whoops!
Then I went back to sleep until the morning sun was shining in my face.

On another day, I had a squishy turd in my bed and she was in the way.
Just as I was about to fall asleep, she comes closer to me and starts snoring.
I had to kick her out of my room.

Then one of my friends came over to play games and he slept over.
Boy, I just can't seem-
I fell asleep right away.
I guess getting used to sleeping with others make it easier?
I still want a bigger bed though...

Remember the stupid boy in the first one?
Well Melissa said that he was sitting on the couch and sulking.
She said that he misses me.

Oh! I forgot to mention.... none of these were people.
They were all cute and not so cute kitties!!

Now, every night before bed, Khaleesi comes into my room and lays on my bed while I work on my computer.
Then right when I am about to go to bed, she falls asleep.

I miss having sleepovers at my friends apartment.
Or hanging out with them at bars.
Now, all I have for company is a bunch of cats. lol
I miss Kate, Gina, Ayanna, sometimes Peyton, and Carolynne.
They all made me laugh and gave me good memories.

I know Kate is stirring cause she doesn't have anything to do, while her husband still works from home. Gina is working for amazon, so that's cool! Ayanna is doing her thing in NY, and I miss her like crazy. Peyton is chillin' and giving me good advice on building my own PC. Carolynne misses Disneyworld and anything that had to do with her work, but I think she will go far. Maybe get a job out here and work for Disneyland! Then I could see her!!


I've realized that people come into my life for a reason.
Ayanna, Peyton, and Carolynne during university.
Kate and Gina during work.

Honestly? I wouldn't change a thing!
I miss them so much during this pandemic.
I still facetime and talk to them.
But I can't help but wonder what we would be doing right now, if the virus never happened.

LOL probably going out drinking and doing drugs.
Nah, we'd probably have a movie night and eat pasta/pizza/ice cream.

Anyway! I am so ready for this pandemic to be over and for stupid people to WEAR MASKS!!!
IT HELPS! ALSO TO STAY HOME AND NOT GO TO CROWDED PLACES!!!
Ugh, the stupid people include white americans, republicans, and those who voted for the orange face pedo in the white house.




Imma go now and eat my delicious food. Catch ya on the flip side!
Peace!