I haven't been on here in a while because my life was actually doing okay for once.
Then I fucked it up by trying.
I actually tried this time.
I was going to fly back home and surprise him for a week! I went and told his mother of this surprise and you know what happened? Well, my heart broke from what was left of the damage and I started to cry. No, that is an understatement.
I broke down and sat on my bed, staring at my computer while tears were rushing down my face. I open my mouth to breathe and I keep hearing a "Bling". The noise from the computer when someone is messaging you.
I just sat there and read everything she was telling. She was leaving to a different state for her birthday, for a week. The same week as my break. The same week I was coming back. The same week I was going to fix this. The same week I was going to be with him. The same week I was going to do everything in my power to show him I care. THE SAME FUCKING WEEK THAT I HAD TO BEG MY MOM TOO LET ME COME HOME!! It's hard to ask my mother for things. She thinks of it as, "Do I want it? Or do I need it?"
I needed it.
No, it's not his mother's fault. She didn't know. Her friend invited her for her birthday and that was her present. No it wasn't his fault either for not telling me, because why? Why would I want to know of someone else's plans that didn't evolve me? There's no reason to, that's why.
it was all my fault.
I tried and I failed.
My one attempt to show my boyfriend that I truly care about him and this relationship. To show that I was willing to actually ask my mom and go against her wishes. To actually do a brave thing for myself and make a decision. TO TRY AND LET HIM SEE MY EFFORT.
but again, I failed.
The mother asked me, "Why didn't you tell me?"
I could've asked the same thing, "Why didn't you tell me you were going to a different state?"
But it doesn't matter, I didn't think she needed to know, it was supposed to be a surprise.
I went to my friend, tears now all over the floor, my shirt, and staining my face. I told her what happened. I told her that I put a lot of thought into it and said, "Fuck it! If he's going to be mad, then I'm going back home to fix it."
But...that's not what happened.
Maybe we are supposed to have space. Maybe I'm not supposed to see him until my Christmas break.
Now I'm just sitting here thinking on what I should do. Should I go back home? Should I go visit NY with my friend? Should I just stay at school? Should I go on a cruise?
I know that when I do decide on where I'm going, I have another job to do.
I'm going to wait. For him.
I won't talk to him or message him. He needs space.
He needs time to think. I understand that.
There's one thing I do hope for.....that he remembers me.
His mother told me that when I'm more mature, I'll realize that I cared for things that didn't need to be cared about.
But I feel that when I don't care about things, I don't love the things. That I don't have strong feelings for them. Then I feel when I care less, I'll become heartless.
I don't want to become heartless.
How can you not care about something, but also not become heartless in the process?
