In 2 Years...

Something is going to happen in 7 months.
Something familiar is going to happen in a year.
And something big is going to happen in 2 years.

I am tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I don't want to try anymore, but I am giving myself a year.
A year back home.
A year where it is familiar.
A year to see if things change.
To see if I change.

If I try my best, do the work, and I see some progress, then I will live until I grow old.
But... if I do everything and I still feel the same... then it isn't the world, the people around me, or what I do... it's me.

If I am the problem, then I will solve it accordingly.

I don't want people to be sad, annoyed, or let out a famous sigh around me anymore.
I don't want to be the person who drags everyone down and they say behind my back, "Let's never invite her with us again."

How bad does someone have to be for others, in a group, to say that over and over?
I try every time when I am around people. I try different ways to not upset the environment.
I have to play it cool until my decision comes around.
I need to act like everything is okay, even when it isn't.
I can't love anymore people and get hurt in the end, I am too tired to try all over again.
I realized what my brother meant when he said dating was tiresome... because in the end, you're going to try all over again. Granted he did try one last time, but didn't start anything first, and now he is married.
I want that to happen to me, but I will never be in someone's view. I will never be someone's first, or last, and I am giving up.

I also have feelings for my... that person... but it's hard to let go when this person you love isn't dead and they are still in your life.
I mean, my grandparents died, so I didn't hang on to that love. I mourned and I moved on. I am at peace with what happened to them, and I can reverse it, so I shouldn't hold on to those feelings.

But my first ever....that....with....them.... and they are still alive and around. I can't let go and I don't want to.
They did. They moved on. They told me countless times that they don't feel that way about me.
I even told....them... that if we did....do that.... then my love won't stop for them.
I told... said those words countless times to them, but I still don't think they hear me.

So I am going to take initiative and move on.
I am giving myself a year, giving my all into this, and we will see how the results are in the end.
If it doesn't go well, then I will type a goodbye post... to all four of you.




Peace.