Bodies of Water

Well, guess who argued with me again.

Surprisingly, I found something out about myself and him.
One, I didn't argue with him, I talked to him and I emphasized certain words, but as I was typing it all out, the voice in my head was in control and calm. It wasn't yelling at him. She wasn't even crying from the overwhelming pressure. No, it was like a robot almost.
Two, he gets very defensive, doesn't let me get a word in, and then stops it to a halt completely. My guess is that he never fought with someone all the way through. He has never been in such a fight where the raging storm becomes a calm sea. Instead, the raging storm just moves and sulks for a bit while the sea just waits for him.

If you guessed it, I am the sea, always waiting for the clouds to become the shining sun again.

And that's what he is in my life, the shining sun.

But I've seen a pattern every time we fight. I fight about the present, then he brings up the past, and then he gets worse, and then just cuts me off.

I have never brought up the past so many as he would. I would bring it up, if it was necessary, but not as a debatable reason to argue. Which I never understand. He is fragile, I don't mean as an insult, but he is quite stubborn.

He is hurt by my past, but doesn't seem to remember when he slips up and makes mistakes.
He is only putting me down and blaming me when we argue, not trying to solve it.

To which that is my job. Trying to fix it.


A year ago, I would've been on my knees crying my eyes out begging him to talk to me.
But now that I know inside his head a bit, I just have my own method of handling him, and he is quite the handful for my tiny hands.

First, I try my everything to try and get him to talk, if he doesn't I stop. Then I will write it out instead, because he refuses to listen to my voice. After that, if he still doesn't contact me within five minutes max, I turn everything off. Finally, I go for a brief walk to water or garden. Water because I live near a river while I am abroad or the garden when I am back home.


Usually after all the commotion, I wait until he contacts me. Let me tell you, he went for a full week. He could probably go longer, I bet. I only have three weeks left. 21 days. 504 hours.
That is how long I am still apart from him.

Even if he does last that long....he told me once, he might just end it with me.
I wouldn't be surprised if he did.
But then he would always say that he was stupid and that he would never break up.

If that's the case, I'm afraid I won't ever know what is true coming out of his mouth anymore. For a while, he hasn't said "I love you." to me on his own or first. Usually I say it, but I get "okay" as a response.

What happened?
Did he really stop loving me?

You know, the thing that is probably worse than death for me is if he did stop loving me.

I went to the water to look for answers and I got them. Here I am typing my heart on this screen waiting for people to read. If there is anyone to read it.

My answer? The one that the water told me?

It was to step away for a bit because my life is getting too overwhelmed. My head isn't focused on the things that need to be focused, because it is focused all on him.

Why is he the best and worst thing that happened to me?
More so, why is he the only one I want to be with?

Is there something wrong with my heart, or did it choose to be with him too early?







Peace