Clarity and familiarity

Remember how I said I'll come back to this?

Well... my life got worse after September and I had to shut down for a while.

The holidays were rough and dull. I wasn't myself for a few months. I wanted to scream and yell out all of my insecurities. There was a part of me that wanted to end it all... and for a while, I almost did.

My life went downhill after October. I went to a mental hospital care unit. It was wild, but very enlightening. That whole experience told me that I wasn't the most crazy in the world.

I finally got a job in January, but the store closed on March 15th. I am still working, mainly just throwing out left over trash and unsold items.
I made new friends at work too!
Kate (a different one), Rachel, and Gina.
I also made a new guy friend named Kenny. He is really sweet, but such a dumbass.

I went out with the 3 girls and had drinks, that was fun and I want to do it again.
Gina is the cool and chill one.
Kate is like the mom of the group, but when we go out, she is like the cool mom.
Rachel is like the older, wilder sister of the group. She is something else.

Kenny is a man that I met and we got along well. Somewhere in that story, let's say I am no longer unfamiliar with myself.

Gina was telling a story about how you have to go through some jerks to figure out your worth.
For me, it was 2 girlfriends, 2 boyfriends, and 1 friend that I made out with from time to time.
Anyway, it was something that Kenny said to me that made me realize that I have been loving and dating all the wrong people.

I finally know my worth. I finally know what I want out of life and in a partner. And yeah it sucks that I had to go through a bunch of cheaters to fucking figure that out, but I did.
I am both happy and sad because I don't think finding this person will be easy.

If I do, hopefully one day they will love me as much as I love them and never leave me. I wish that once I find this person, they won't think I'm nothing and leave me for someone else, because honestly? That shit hurts.

Those who were loyal in the relationship usually stay single, while the bored ones move on quickly not thinking about the others feelings for a second. And that hurts like a bitch.


It's okay. I have new meds, I have new friends, and I still have Tiki by my side.
So I think I am good right now.
I think I will be fine.
And I'm okay on being single.

I know what I want. And it's not a jerk.




Peace. ✌