Well, crap

I have no idea how i fuck up our relationship. You make it seem that it's all my fault. Not that it's about communication. No, just me being mad at certain times or being emotional or crazy. If we have a small problem, let's talk it over so it doesn't blow up to something bigger. We can make this work, you just have to open up. We can have a healthy relationship, if we just have a day where we talk things through. Forgiveness is also a given. I always forgive you and i always love you.

You see, there's another person here with me that has been in a relationship for seven months. She's also in a long distance relationship. She and her partner are in a beautiful relationship because they talk. Communication is key. Not texting, calling, skyping, but understanding and feeling.

If you have WiFi we could Skype if you want. I would love to Skype.

Now that i think about it, my other friend is in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend.

You see? We just need to talk. I'm down to talk, but are you?

Doing well

I'm doing well. I'm wearing nice, black, classy clothes. Going to my first class in a minute. Going to learn something new. Getting to know people. Might go to a pub. Might drink. Who knows?

Music is a creative piece that is recorded once and played over and over again. The words, beat, rhythm, and music never changes. The meaning, however, changes with the person. One song might seem like it helps with the end of the world feeling one day, then it might make the person feel unstoppable the next. It's all how you look at it. How you feel it. How you experience it.

I need to create something. I need to write. I need to sing. I need to let my feelings out. I must learn how to become that girl who can make up a chorus in 2 minutes. I need to be the girl who can write a full song in one day. I always have inspiration from the negative. Now, I'll use you as my inspiration. I'll write fiction stories about you. I'll write songs, poems, and letters. I wish I could paint, but everything is back home.

Just you wait. I will have my creative side back.

A❤️

i guess some things are better... not really

You call me a liar?

Alright I'll admit, I do lie about things, just never to you. I never lie to you. I just don't tell you things, see there's a difference. One thing means you tell someone a fabrication of false events. The other, you just keep to yourself. Duh!

He has your exact name, exact birthday, and he spells "your" when it should be "you're". I'm not saying you need a grammar lesson, it's just you don't really care. If it was a different person, they would probably notice. Anyway, he texted certain phrases like you. He knew my middle name, the passcode to my phone, and my phone number. Now, I don't give out my phone number here and there. I gave you my phone number recently on paper because you don't remember. Shocking huh? The only thing you don't remember that is mine.

I don't know what's wrong with you. I was freaking out over the phone because you made it seem like it wasn't you and it was a scary strange guy. If it isn't you, then how the frick does this guy know so much? You never really comforted me, you just said that you're tired of my shit, that I probably made it up.

Why would I make up something so horrible? I would never do that. And I was calling you at 1:30 in the morning. That usually means it's an emergency.

Then again, I don't know if you understand that.

I don't know man, that's pretty fucked up. This entire situation is and I hate it.

Playing by the rules, unless you're the Master.

So I thought I could have a normal, easy, and nice trip in London.
Nope, everything that could make me have a meltdown happened. Aside from the totally cool and awesome roommate, I was lost on the first few days. I got a SIM card at the airport, had trouble with it, got it to kinda work, and now it's just in my unlocked phone sitting on my desk.
I'm currently sick and I'm not sure when it will go away. I haven't gone to the store to get medicine because I've been so tired and not feeling up to walking.
Today, however, I feel more prepared.

Now, for the plot twist. Oh yes, there really is a real life plot twist going on.

This guy, O, started talking to me as I was heading to the airport on Jan. 12. Now, his name is the same name, kinda, as my boyfriend. I even asked if it was him because at the beginning he played a game. He made me guess who it was.
Anyway, long story, trying to make short, O, is apparently not my boyfriend, but a person I can talk to. My "actual" boyfriend hasn't really talked to me since that day.
Now I don't know if you guys understand, but I gave O 3 security questions. He answered two of them correctly. The third was a stupid question so that is a pass.

Now, I'm currently talking to O about my boyfriend, life in London, problems, my sickness, and just fillers for conversation. He talks like he doesn't know me personally, but he talks like he knows me on a friend level.

I don't know guys, I'll keep talking to O, but this time I'll just watch what I say.

Bye! I'm off to get medicine.
A❤

Saying what exactly?

I know you said love is blind. But I'm not. Strange how I pick up on certain things. While others fly right over me.
Yes, I'm a reader and a writer, but when it comes to sadness I try to stay away from that sort of emotion. I have too much of it and I shouldn't. I mean, I'm a young lady going to study abroad in London. How cool is that? I shouldn't be acting the way I've been acting.
And I hate to say it, but I don't remember the promises. I mean, I probably do, but I just can't remember them. I feel like you have a better memory than I do.

And hey, I will never go for anyone else, but you. So don't listen to the peanut gallery of people that talk to you. They don't really know me. I know me and you don't have to be afraid that I'm pansexual. I only have eyes for you. You sweet, beautiful, handsome, loving guy. Sorry, for a second there I pictured your beautiful face and smile.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something, but I guess it will have to be over this. If you truly are reading this. It hurts me every time you talk about women. Like ditching school with a hot girl. Or seeing some cute Asians. It doesn't sit right in my stomach. Yeah, I probably do the same, but I'm more admiring what the girl is wearing or wishing I had something of hers.
I don't know, just hearing you call those women and girls those words makes me feel sick in the stomach. And I don't like it at all.

Another thing is that I feel everyone thinking I'm being waaay too serious or not serious enough. Sometimes when I joke I mock being serious and then a few seconds later I burst out laughing. My family understands it, but I guess you and your friends don't. So now I know that I need to watch what I do. Because sometimes I say things trying to mean something, but it comes out all wrong.

I'm sorry. And yeah you say your "whatevers", but it's not. I mean it every time I say sorry. I also mean it when i say I love you. I don't know what you think, but those two phrases mean a lot. It's a very serious thing to me.

Remember Gulliver's Travels? How the people of Liliput could build anything? Well, now would be a good time to tell you. I fall fast and hard for people, but you were the one's that had me take more time and courage than ever. My heart is still being built anew right now. It started when I said that I like you. It's still growing after I said my first "I love you". Right now, there is something that is rebuilding my heart. It had holes, gouges, rips, and tears before. I thought I wouldn't find someone to love. Now that I have, my brain doesn't know how to handle such a fragile thing. You.
So right now, I'm trying to take it one step at a time, but I just jumped right in thinking I can handle this. So for now, I'll be in the shallow end of the pool and wait for my heart to build back up before I try and go to the next level of things.

I hope you understand what I mean. You are my boyfriend. And I am your girlfriend, no one else's.

I love you.

A❤

Back to Black

Don't know what happened along the way. I did change, for better and for worse. I started to love my exterior more than my interior. That was bad. I can't believe... no actually I can believe I would do such a thing to myself and others.
I was becoming selfish, arrogant, emotional, and just a plain bitch.


Well, fuck me.
I typed a whole thing after that paragraph and it didn't save. All I remember is to be RAD.
Read everything.
Ask questions.
Do something about it.

I just need to become the happy hippie I was when I was five years old. Writing stories, singing songs, painting, going to simple adventures. That's the Me that people should see, not the arrogant, drama queen, emotional girl.

Anyway, I just need to love myself. "Start small, then gradually, all the small things will become big things. And when that happens, you will have achieved your goal."

❤️

Changing

Apparently, I'm doing something wrong. I mean, I always do. I don't know how to be different. To be honest, I don't know who the real me is.

I need to change. I did, for a while.

I know who brings me back to a horrible past state of mind.

I know you say you still love me. But I'm afraid of when you'll stop. You've told me before that if I don't change... well you know what you said.

I'm so afraid.
I don't know what to do.
I feel lost.
I want to be able to love you forever.
I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to lose someone else who i truly love.
And I know I won't be able to love someone like this ever again.