Don't Reread Old Messages

Don't do that.
You will either see something that warms your heart, or something that reminds you how shit a person you were to your partner.
I, sadly, saw both things.
Many close people have said other things about him that kind of bugs me.
"He is just playing with you."
"He knows what he's doing."
"You don't think he knows how badly he is treating you?"
"I don't want you to settle."
"I think you should wait until you go back home and see how you feel then."
"It's your first relationship, you should try and date more people!"


That is what bugs me. That last one.
They all do, but the last one really hit me hard.
I know the person who said it and I know they are older, shit all of these people I know are older by a year or more. But what I don't understand is why they don't ask me about my side. They just turn into "protectors" and only see him as bad.
Yeah, we're all bad and good. I'm probably the worst.


And that's what I'm here today to talk about.
Me, my mind, and others.


Long ago, I figured out who I am. Now, I'm struggling to fix a lot of broken pieces. I started the process of seeing the problem, now I just need to solve it.
Sometimes, I think I have the answer, but months go by and I look back to only see that the glue is just a temporary fix to the crack in myself. I need to finish this. I need to use real tools and nail the two wood pieces together.
A lot of metaphor, but that's how I communicate.
I also communicate in horrible, lame, inappropriate humour.
People are right, I can't just fix it over night. And I feel like he should know that too. Yeah, I slip up a lot, but I still see those mistakes and save them in my mind. Most importantly I need to be aware of what I say, mostly to him.
I also, need to remember that only my cat or my thousands of docs saved on my computer should be the only place I can tell the bad things. I shouldn't tell others how bad my relationship is going, because they'll want to have their own say. And I don't need that added to my pile of things to stress over.
I also need to listen to myself? I say it as a question because I am gullible, I am a huge pushover, and I am very easy to manipulate. I guess I just need to be careful of everything. Treat this first relationship how mothers treat their first born. I also need to bring my heart back into the picture. I have become a very heartless person and that's really bad in a relationship when you always fuck up simple conversations with your partner.
I need my happiness back.
I need color in my life.
I need....myself again.
I need to start doing things properly instead of saying sorry and not fixing the problem.
I do need someone to love, but I also need to love them back.
I can't be selfish anymore.


I really need control in my life. I did have many controls in my life, some were good controls, and one was a really bad control that I'm not proud of.

Yeah, that bout sums it up

Bye
❤️