Glasses for the hard of Hearing

I always wonder what it would be like to be deaf like my mom.
Or to go blind like my aunt.

I would stare in the sun.
Blast noise into my head.
Try everything so I wouldn't have one or the other.
But as I grew up... it is becoming a reality.
I need glasses to focus my eyes.
I need the volume on music down low that my friends get mad at me for requesting it.

But if I had to choose? For permanent?
I would go deaf.
I wouldn't want to hear your voice.
I wouldn't want to know your laugh anymore.
I don't want to recognize a phrase you say in a video.
No more noise.
It's false anyways... you never tell the truth.
If I was deaf... I would have never heard you yell at me.
I would have never heard crashes and slaps.
I would have never seen you mad in a different room.

If I couldn't hear anymore, I would be able to sleep better.
I'd probably make my depressive mood worse.
I wouldn't hear a thing.
I would sleep for days.
I wouldn't hear the noises from my phone... like anyone cares anyways.

Right now, my life is constant noise... so much so that I have to mute everything to feel at ease.
But again, no one cares enough.
Which is why I like the only noise in my head.
It tells me what I want to hear.
It never lies to me.
I hear it 24/7.

I heard it tell me that one day you would leave me and never look at me like you did before.
The next time you would stare into my eyes, would be the day you say, "I miss you."
Or so I have been told.


It's getting late, dark, and scary.
Let me sleep some more before I have to wake to this nightmare.



Peace.

You never do

I sliced up my legs.
I watch as they turn red.
The right hurts more than the left.
Funny thing, I didn't cry.
I screamed and I banged my fists against my thighs.

This.
This is what happened to me when I am frustrated.
Now I can look at what anger has done.
It doesn't hurt anymore.
It isn't red anymore.
And it won't scar by the time I see you.

No matter how hard, or how much.
I never get traces of hurt on my skin.
I don't get scars that last forever.
My skin goes back to the way it looks.
I am not human then.
I do not feel human.
I feel other.



I want to go back to sleep... for a couple of days.


Peace.

Pieces of my Heart

"I would always wake up and think to myself, how lovely would the bed be if it was warmed up with someone else in it beside me. I could look over at the person I love and smile to myself knowing how lucky I am. And to this day, I've been wanting to have that feeling of sleeping next to you. Knowing that when your arms are around me, I feel safe."

Little does the person know that these are my constant thoughts and that one day this will be said out loud to them. I want to show you my vow. I want to show you my wounded heart. I want to show you that with the pieces of my heart left, I was able to love you.

"So,            , I am happy to say that I am and will be married to you. I will love you forever and ever and even if you stop loving me, my heart will still beat."

That is what I have.
This is what I can give.
And... yet, I might not find a person to love me ever again to even want to ghost write about them.
LOL

Anyway, that is all for today.

Peace.

Hello...welcome home.

I am trying.
Let's be normal.
Let's be rational.
Be like a sad song where it flows perfectly and never goes crazy.
Calm like water.
Smooth like a breeze.
Don't be brash like a drum set.
Be gentle like the strum of a guitar.
Sing Once Upon A December.
Never let "HER" irritate you.
Don't over think.
Never doubt.
You are fine.
Breathe.
You can control your own emotions.
Calm your heartbeat.
Workout the anger, if you have any.
Sleep and relax because everything in life can et over whelming.
Go crocheting with friends, actually, make a new scarf and throw the old one away.
Don't be bothered by other people.
Love yourself.
Repeat, even if it's hard.


This is something I should really live by and repeat. I should try to focus on myself and not anyone else. I should make sure people I care about are alright, but I shouldn't get involved. Do my work, relax, and focus. I should be able since I got my glasses (I chuckled at my terrible joke).

Peace.

I forgot what to say...

I had a whole lot to say, I was mad, done, frustrated, sad, and I gave up on all hope.
I said it in my head a bunch of times and I recalled what I was going to say here, but now that I am writing, I have forgotten.
Maybe that is a good thing, like how they say "ignorance is bliss"? But then I remember that if I don't know about something, then I am naïve and I "should have known better".
But do I? Do I really know better? No.

It's been a while since I have typed, but this will become my internet diary.
Forever here. Forever taking up space on the web. Forever my thoughts that everyone will know about. Well, almost everyone.

I am not sure if I have made such a following that I would ever go viral, no, but I do have hope that one day people will read this and find some insight for their own lives.

Anyway, continuing on my road where I was about to tell you all that has happened.
For starters, I am not talking to my sister. I am still broken up from my boyfriend. I am graduating Uni this coming year. I don't have to fly anymore. Hopefully, I won't have anymore roommates, but seeing how this economy is, I might have them for the rest of my life. Let's see... what else? Oh! My mother is dying, but what's new? I am going back home for break. Oh! And I still see my ex.

So yeah, the only thing that I HAVE accomplished is getting this far in school, getting my license (yay!), and being able to legally drink. Even though I don't like alcohol that much.

That's all for today!

Peace!