Bird Set Free

I sat on my friend’s bed, listening to music and thinking about my relationship. It’s been a while since he has seen me. It’s been a while since we’ve felt happy. I was happy since I met him and even more when I knew that he liked me. Maybe we fell off the tracks too fast, too quickly, too soon. It was too soon to go, I hated it. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to make it work.

It’s been four months since touching, seeing, acknowledging, and even talking to each other in real life. Face to face. I dream myself standing in front of him while seconds go by of silence. People walking passed us, it’s all a blur, like the scenes from the movies. He takes one last look and starts to walk away. I scream his name, I try to grab his arm, but I’m too late. He’s too far and walking too fast for me to catch up to him.

I tried almost everything to forget about him for a while. Smoking, partying, going out, hanging out with friends, drinking, movies, painting, working out, and even sleeping. Nothing keeps me in that parallel universe for long. Something always brings me back to reality of it all. I’m far away from him and I can’t do anything, but text or call. Even that isn’t enough. I need to show him how I feel, I need to touch his arm, make him look me in the eyes, hug him, and share my inner thoughts. Can you try and do that 1,800 miles apart using technology? No. Not with him.

He’s confusing over the phone. He tells me that it’s me who’s confusing. My friends think he’s trash, but I don’t. When I ask for help they all want me to forget about him or to move on or not to think about him. I can’t. That’s not me, it never has been. When I love someone like that, I’m with them until stated otherwise. I will never betray them, I will never hate them, and I will certainly never lose my love for them. For him. Him.

I blast music in my ears until I can’t hear my own thoughts. I focus on the lyrics, the beat, the flow of the music, and I try to imagine a picture to every word. I pour my feelings into singing, I yell, no, I scream at the top of my lungs with the song.

“I shout it out like a bird set free.” –Sia.

             

                My stomach aches with twists and turns. My head pounds to the beat of my heart. My heart stings my entire body with the sharpness of a knife cutting through. My eyes, they tear ever so little, but then, they too, pour out so much that I can hardly see. I can barely talk, all that’s coming out are silent screams and whimpers. I yell his name inside my head. No matter what, I can’t get rid of this pain.

                I don’t know what to do, I can’t do much while I’m stuck here. I need to get out. I need to write, sing, sleep, and distract myself before I go. I need to prepare myself for the worst. I always do. I always will. That’s just who I am. I need to put myself first individually, but put his feelings first in our relationship. I can’t lose him, I love him. “There are other guys out there.” Is there really? Highly unlikely, not ones who treated me and cared for me as much as he did. “There are guys who will care so much better than he ever did.” Are you sure? It took me 18 years to truly say, “I love you.” I’m tired of being lost. When I was with him, I never felt lost. I felt safe. I felt like I found someone. I felt content. I felt wanted, needed. I felt loved.