So, sorry about my last post. I am okay, but people out there in the world probably don't care.
Anyway, when I love someone, I tend to be confused on everything I do. I fear that I'm messing up, even the little tasks. I fear that I'm not doing well in my relationship. Why? This question, I can answer. I have a huge fear of the unknown. Usually everything in general that I have no knowledge about. So, of course, I'm scared of my part in the relationship because I have never been in a relationship and I have no idea how to handle one.
But I am getting there, I think. I hope. I just need to observe or do research. I don't know, something!!
It's like having equal attraction plus giving your endless love and caring abilities to the other person. Right? And always being there, no matter what! I can do that. And there's another thing too...uh... be yourself? Yeah.
Maybe I am overthinking this. Someone once told me, many moons ago, that a relationship is a next level best friend, with kissing and occasional sex involved. I never had a best friend before either!! I had one when I was 5, but that soon disappeared. I just got a couple of friends last year when I started college, so yeah. Man, I've been alone for most of my life. Wait! I guess my sister is considered my best friend, but even then we don't really tell each other everything. Ugh!!! This is hard. I guess I just have to...WING IT!!
Well, it's about that time...this week my sister is coming to join me for traveling around Europe.
Right now, I don't feel like writing anymore. I've had this feeling before. I'm just not feeling well. I don't know when I'll be able to go back on the computer for the internet. I will use it for music or for Netflix, if it has something I haven't seen.
But for now, I'll be gone.
Bye
❤
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Friday, April 15, 2016
my happiness
if you knew me, which you probably do, I write in lower case when I'm sad.
besides the "I" and such, everything else is lower.
I miss you. I love you. when will you talk to me? will it be when I come back?
I'm tired more than I should be because I'm waiting for you to respond or to even say "hi".
am I crazy? should I stop waiting? I just want to know if I should stop so I could continue without the thought of you being upset at me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I wrote that, up there, last night. Now that I went to bed, had the greatest sleep ever, thanks to some pills, I went through my day. I still feel sad, but it's not as big. I still feel guilty, which I probably shouldn't, but I do. I feel like it's all my fault, which again, I shouldn't do. Jerk. Sorry, that was uncalled for. But what was more uncalled for...you just completely ignoring me. Nah, man. You just can't do that. If we need to do that "pause" thing again, just tell me. I'd be happy to do anything for you. Anything that would make you feel less irritated, stressed, or unhappy even.
If you are doing that, then I guess it's until I come back home, right? Is that right? Did I answer that correctly? Please, tell me, because I would love to know things. Ya know? I'm not a fucking mind reader. If this "pause" thing is effective immediately, then that's a while month. And you don't know how strong my silent game is. Actually, it's a tad weak, but soon enough, it will be stronger than ever.
When I was little, I would try to be mute so my mom wouldn't get mad, but it made her angrier. Is that what you might do? Huh, baby?!? Tell me. Please.
I can go on, acting like you. I can. I can manipulate my mind in telling me to be someone different. All I have to do is think of a character and be that person. Let's see. Which one of my characters is a ruthless, emotionless, rebellious, little fucker, and someone that does whatever she wants??? Oh yeah, you're dating a writer, so be prepared. Be prepared MOTHER FUCKER!!
Here comes Agent G.C. I made her when writing a superhero short story. She even has her own wardrobe on my Polyvore account. She wears leather, all black, and carries a M1911 black pistol. She is an agent of course, but she did go rogue, so I'd be careful.
Of course, I don't have a gun, haha... I just need to think like her.
Have fun baby, with the silence and all.
I love you
❤
besides the "I" and such, everything else is lower.
I miss you. I love you. when will you talk to me? will it be when I come back?
I'm tired more than I should be because I'm waiting for you to respond or to even say "hi".
am I crazy? should I stop waiting? I just want to know if I should stop so I could continue without the thought of you being upset at me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I wrote that, up there, last night. Now that I went to bed, had the greatest sleep ever, thanks to some pills, I went through my day. I still feel sad, but it's not as big. I still feel guilty, which I probably shouldn't, but I do. I feel like it's all my fault, which again, I shouldn't do. Jerk. Sorry, that was uncalled for. But what was more uncalled for...you just completely ignoring me. Nah, man. You just can't do that. If we need to do that "pause" thing again, just tell me. I'd be happy to do anything for you. Anything that would make you feel less irritated, stressed, or unhappy even.
If you are doing that, then I guess it's until I come back home, right? Is that right? Did I answer that correctly? Please, tell me, because I would love to know things. Ya know? I'm not a fucking mind reader. If this "pause" thing is effective immediately, then that's a while month. And you don't know how strong my silent game is. Actually, it's a tad weak, but soon enough, it will be stronger than ever.
When I was little, I would try to be mute so my mom wouldn't get mad, but it made her angrier. Is that what you might do? Huh, baby?!? Tell me. Please.
I can go on, acting like you. I can. I can manipulate my mind in telling me to be someone different. All I have to do is think of a character and be that person. Let's see. Which one of my characters is a ruthless, emotionless, rebellious, little fucker, and someone that does whatever she wants??? Oh yeah, you're dating a writer, so be prepared. Be prepared MOTHER FUCKER!!
Here comes Agent G.C. I made her when writing a superhero short story. She even has her own wardrobe on my Polyvore account. She wears leather, all black, and carries a M1911 black pistol. She is an agent of course, but she did go rogue, so I'd be careful.
Of course, I don't have a gun, haha... I just need to think like her.
Have fun baby, with the silence and all.
I love you
❤
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Touched and bruised
When you're sexually assaulted, it makes you feel different.
I was shaking.
I felt like it was my fault.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see him.
I can feel his lips and tongue.
I remember where he put his hands.
My neck hurts.
I can see and feel everything from that night.
And it won't go away.
I can't get rid of the memory of the guy forcing and holding me against a wall.
I can't shake the thought, because there is evidence.
Its on my body.
Its stuck in my mind.
I have been crying every night, feeling dirty and numb. I have been seeing more nightmares than dreams. I am scared. I just want to go back home, I don't want to be away at school anymore.
I don't want to go out anymore.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
❤
I was shaking.
I felt like it was my fault.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see him.
I can feel his lips and tongue.
I remember where he put his hands.
My neck hurts.
I can see and feel everything from that night.
And it won't go away.
I can't get rid of the memory of the guy forcing and holding me against a wall.
I can't shake the thought, because there is evidence.
Its on my body.
Its stuck in my mind.
I have been crying every night, feeling dirty and numb. I have been seeing more nightmares than dreams. I am scared. I just want to go back home, I don't want to be away at school anymore.
I don't want to go out anymore.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
❤
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Finals and Stress
A how-to guide by me on surviving college exam week and controlling your stress.
How to study 20+ chapters on Personality Theory in two weeks or less:
1. Look through the notes and high light main focus points
-or just high light everything because you're very worried
2. Read the focus points out loud, but to yourself
-you don't want to wake your roommate
3. Take a two to five hour break
-stress some more because you just wasted time doing nothing but watch YouTube videos
4. Study again until you see the sun rise
-remember to get out of your room to eat
5. Rinse and repeat
-also, somewhere along the lines, don't forget to shower
I've done this before, and I was successful for some classes. I always tell myself that I'll do better, but I never really do.
Just remember to breathe and to drink water. If you stress, you must balance things out by having good skin. Also, get out for a few minutes each day and let the sun touch your skin.
Also, you should study a little bit each day so you can study in your mind to drown out certain people in your classes because you've had enough of them. Basically you 've had enough of everything and everyone and you just want to go back home.
I just want summer to come along so I can work!!! I want summer to come along so I won't have a need to strangle my roommate. I also want summer to come along so I can actually do something for my birthday. I want summer to be here because I'm going to be a flower girl in my brother's wedding!! I'm finally going to a wedding, how exciting for me.
It's quite funny how you can zone out and not hear someone talk. Once they open their mouth, you don't hear a word they say. It's quite a gift I picked up on. I'm doing it right now.
Well, I hope everyone else is having a pleasant month.
❤
How to study 20+ chapters on Personality Theory in two weeks or less:
1. Look through the notes and high light main focus points
-or just high light everything because you're very worried
2. Read the focus points out loud, but to yourself
-you don't want to wake your roommate
3. Take a two to five hour break
-stress some more because you just wasted time doing nothing but watch YouTube videos
4. Study again until you see the sun rise
-remember to get out of your room to eat
5. Rinse and repeat
-also, somewhere along the lines, don't forget to shower
I've done this before, and I was successful for some classes. I always tell myself that I'll do better, but I never really do.
Just remember to breathe and to drink water. If you stress, you must balance things out by having good skin. Also, get out for a few minutes each day and let the sun touch your skin.
Also, you should study a little bit each day so you can study in your mind to drown out certain people in your classes because you've had enough of them. Basically you 've had enough of everything and everyone and you just want to go back home.
I just want summer to come along so I can work!!! I want summer to come along so I won't have a need to strangle my roommate. I also want summer to come along so I can actually do something for my birthday. I want summer to be here because I'm going to be a flower girl in my brother's wedding!! I'm finally going to a wedding, how exciting for me.
It's quite funny how you can zone out and not hear someone talk. Once they open their mouth, you don't hear a word they say. It's quite a gift I picked up on. I'm doing it right now.
Well, I hope everyone else is having a pleasant month.
❤
Monday, April 4, 2016
The Butterfly Effect
Some may say that the butterfly effect is negative when they use the phrase.
In this instance, it is quite the opposite. When I'm happy, I spread it and make other people happy. When I'm in any other mood, and people try to change it, it affects them in a bad way. They lose their happiness and gain annoyance.
I realized that when I do things myself like get out of the dorm room and go to Tesco or just down the street to a tiny park, I get happy. Just a few days ago I found a cute little street and a tiny park nearby. I stopped in the park thinking I should take a break from walking and doing things just to get them over with. I sat on a bench and thoughts came flooding and they were peaceful ones too. I just sat there looking around the park and up at the sky. I closed my eyes and breathed.
I think getting out and going to a park helped with my sleep. I wasn't feeling to hot the other week, I wanted to do so much, but had little energy to do so.
When I sat there on the bench, I thought, "I need to slow down."
I really needed a break from everything. My head was hurting with due dates and timelines of projects and events. It was overwhelming.
I am so glad that I figured out what made me happy and why I was such in rut. Also, listening to reggaeton makes me tired for some reason. I'm listening to some now and I'm trying to stay awake, but if I'm up and dancing to it instead of sitting, that is a whole other story. In about 24 days, my sister is coming over to travel with me around Europe.
We have a hotel for one night in London and then after that, we are visiting 9 cities over the course of 20 days. This is going to be so fun!! We'll get to see old friends and see how much they have grown, especially a young lad named Geoffrey. When I first met him, I had a tiny crush on him.
Well, here's to a fun adventure!!
❤
In this instance, it is quite the opposite. When I'm happy, I spread it and make other people happy. When I'm in any other mood, and people try to change it, it affects them in a bad way. They lose their happiness and gain annoyance.
I realized that when I do things myself like get out of the dorm room and go to Tesco or just down the street to a tiny park, I get happy. Just a few days ago I found a cute little street and a tiny park nearby. I stopped in the park thinking I should take a break from walking and doing things just to get them over with. I sat on a bench and thoughts came flooding and they were peaceful ones too. I just sat there looking around the park and up at the sky. I closed my eyes and breathed.
I think getting out and going to a park helped with my sleep. I wasn't feeling to hot the other week, I wanted to do so much, but had little energy to do so.
When I sat there on the bench, I thought, "I need to slow down."
I really needed a break from everything. My head was hurting with due dates and timelines of projects and events. It was overwhelming.
I am so glad that I figured out what made me happy and why I was such in rut. Also, listening to reggaeton makes me tired for some reason. I'm listening to some now and I'm trying to stay awake, but if I'm up and dancing to it instead of sitting, that is a whole other story. In about 24 days, my sister is coming over to travel with me around Europe.
We have a hotel for one night in London and then after that, we are visiting 9 cities over the course of 20 days. This is going to be so fun!! We'll get to see old friends and see how much they have grown, especially a young lad named Geoffrey. When I first met him, I had a tiny crush on him.
Well, here's to a fun adventure!!
❤
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