Thrilling

So, I feel life has a weird way of bringing me happiness, especially when it comes from a long ways away.
A friend of mine found a house, a new and better one, maybe bigger than mine?
Anyway, they found a great place to live, I don't have all the details but hearing that good news made me feel immense joy in my heart.

I can't wait to see it when I go back home.
I can't wait to do a lot things (or people) when I go back home.

I am excited to be a graduate when I go home, show off my body, and my new views on life.
Ugh I feel like such a bad bitch right now.
Also because of the support of my bff. She still fucks it up back home on the weekends and I wanna be like that.
If my life is falling apart, I wanna do it like a bad bitch.

I have found a good song for my life soundtrack right now.
Its french and its called Ba$$in by Yelle.

Its such a bad bitch song. I am rocking to it right now and I feel like I will achieve anything.

Well today started off the week very nice. I have work tomorrow, and I am pumped to go there.


Peace!

Nevermind

I get bored easily.
I need to do things that are stimulating for my brain.
I don't like doing homework unless I want to do it.
I don't have motivation for work.
I did pretty well this past week of working out, but sadly some snow came down.

I need company.
Small interaction.
If I don't, then I feel useless.

I'm like an introverted extrovert.
I like company, but I like to observe and still have some space.
I like taking naps and lounging in my room, but I need some flow of interaction here and there or else I feel... sad.

It's sad knowing you have depression and you can't really stop those moments where you feel like you want to do nothing. But also other times where you want to be around people, but have no one.
If I was back home, right now, I would go on a train and get off in LA, Glendale, or Hollywood.
I would walk around, until I had enough time wandering with other strangers and head home.

But I'm not.
I'm stuck.
I hate it.

I want to go home at times, and others.... well, I feel like I would miss a lot.
But then I remember moments like this and I definitely would rather be home than be stranded with no way out.

Maybe I'll talk quietly to our fish in the apartment.



I feel so fucking stupid. And alone... I just wish people would visit me.




peace

Shocked

I haven't hit my prime years and yet... my life has more to say than a guy trying to prove he was right in an argument. (lol at that metaphor)

What I mean is... I thought my life would be dull, but it has been everything else except that.

What shocked me was how my life went from "being a dull/invisible being to the world" to "whats next on the checklist set out by society"? Ok. So not a good way of putting it, but let me explain.

18 years: starting college, having a roommate who did hardcore drugs, a drinking party that got out of hand, almost witnessed a sexual harassment situation (I stopped it), took care of a drunk girl (who is now my friend, lol), so many people having sex, and studying abroad.

Now 19 to 20 years is mostly meh. I developed an eating disorder that was found out because my friend saw me lose a lot of weight in a short amount of time. And she also knew that I wasn't doing shit, so it was unhealthy. I also was attacked in a way at a club in London. I almost hooked up in a club, but politely declined because I was in a relationship. Walked home by myself after the people I went with to the party wanted to stay. Mind you, I walked alone, in a different country, when the public transport wasn't operating. I went to my partners country and met the family. I had a rough time there and didn't explode until the last few days because I was tired from being "lost" (in a sense) during the whole trip.
Oh yeah, most of the time, I had a lot of good times even though there were rough patches.
I forgot to add, but when I was 18 I had sex for the first time.... it wasn't great in the sense that, I don't want to sound mean, but it was literally getting played with down there by another person. That doesn't make sense probably, but I am just saying that having sex for the first time isn't a big deal and people shouldn't be afraid. I was so afraid I thought I was going to pass out. I almost did. 

Jumping to this year, I am old enough for adult things. Little did I know, being an adult, has dumb adult things that follow me.

So to sum all this up, even though it is only February, I have a nice total.
I have a hater.
Her stalker friends.
A fake friend. (snuffed that out real nice)
A creepy ex-friend. (he was like a creepy sexual predator)
A group of people who have nothing better to do than to dislike me. (like go back to getting alcohol poisoning, thanks)
A mother who blames me for shit.
A father who is still shitty.
An ex who keeps frustrating me and acts childish. (found out that I am a delight and he was basically gaslighting me our whole relationship)

One thing I will get right and still trying to be happy.
Whether it is with my many mental illnesses or even finding out that being alone could mean that I get to sleep for a whole day without anyone bothering me. And I think that is a delight.
Though I wish I brought my crochet materials...Damn. Anyway, if I am going to live my life, then I get to say what is a mistake and what isn't. No one else should tell me if drinking a bottle of rose at 4 in the morning is bad, no! Only I will decide. And I will try to not let others judge me or let their judging get to me.
Well, I guess I better sleep.



Peace.

Thunder

It is not every day that it rains.
Less if there is lightning and thunder.
But when it does it... you will find me in a corner, a hole, covered in a blanket, shaking, crying, or anything else.

I hate it.
Tonight was ok. There was fog and it was raining, no big deal, I can handle it.
When it hit a certain time, thunder struck my campus, shook my building, and sent me running.
I felt stupid.
I was breathing fast and hard.
My head was dizzy.
I was about to faint.
One thing I will never forget was, "When you feel like you're about to fall, sit/lie down."
That is what I did, in fetal position, and continued to cry my eyes out.

I thought I could call the only person who could calm me down.
He didn't answer the first 2 times. Wow what a dick, and when I actually needed him.
I called again. He picks up and I hear a sigh. WOoOooOOooOw ok.
"What?"
I made a face... ok never mind, I won't call you in future times then. If you don't want to be helpful and get me through this hard time for me.
No, I'll just lie here crying for the next hour until the thunder decides to take a break.
Yeah, lemme just be here, shaking, crying, face buzzing, and my hands too unsteady to even hold the phone.
"You're an adult, this is stupid."
WOW.
Ok, fine then. You experience a panic attack and next time you need someone, don't come for me. Better yet, call your mother.
Because I know that my mom won't get it, she doesn't believe in mental illnesses, so why would she believe I am having a panic attack over some noise?
Right? It's just some noise? Some stupid, loud, crashing noise?

Yeah, I haven't been depended on you in a while, and I would never ask unless it is serious.
So you know what? Next time it does hit, the thunder, I will fucking cry again.
I'll have a panic attack, alone in my room, where no one knows its happening.

I guess everyone was right. I should stop depending on you. You dismiss, belittle, and make me feel like a fool for being like this.

I'm done.
I'll fight on my own then.
And I'll just use you for my own enjoyment. Isn't that what you have been doing to me?

From this day forward, I will have no pity, no patience, no heart, and only anger towards you.
I will tell you what I want from you and you can decide to except it or not.

Fuck You!

Trigger Words

I had a lovely week and I went for a walk with one of my friends.

We talked about everything going on... and I mean everything!
And she was fun to talk to about what was going on in my life.
She is like me, she talks about things that we relate to, and she isn't afraid to be transparent.
We talked about school, sex, and relationships.
She also made some cookies and they were yummy!

Also guess who is ignoring me? Eh, I shouldn't worry about it because I should be focused, but oh well.
I just hope that I can focus when I graduate too. I need a job for money.
I can't be distracted by some dude, who is great in bed, but horrible in the streets.

I also keep forgetting to eat, but to be honest, after I workout, I don't feel hungry.
I have been getting headaches again.
I have been crying again, because life is stressful.
And I am trying so hard to finish school, but sometimes, I don't want to do anything.

I have to wake up early for some training.
I have to remember to sleep.
I have to finish my assignments.
I have to get up.


Peace.