Flashback

I keep messing up.
I keep making things about me.
Am I selfish?
Do I really talk about myself all the time?
Do I not see others emotions?
Am I empathetic or not?

Am I talking about myself right now...?

A person I know came over to basically speak his mind. I wanted to apologize for my bad behavior and he let it be known that I make everything about myself. Even now as I write this, I really want to stop saying "I", "me", or "my"... It's made me re think how this story goes. This new thought process has made it kind of hard to speak of experience when I can't really stomach using first person.

Alright, I am going to throw that negative thought out. This space, this blog, these journals are about me. This is where I can talk about my day, my life, and my experiences without hearing from the peanut gallery.

This post is going to have 2 stories into one.


Lets start with the recent one that caused the effect of the second.
As I was saying this person came over to tell me how it really is... but he kept going back to how I make the conversation about myself. Even when I agreed with him, apparently saying, "Mhm, I tend to do that," is making it about me... -_- like seriously dude? I was agreeing. But whatever.

Throughout I wanted to hear what he had to say, but really? I have heard this all before from another guy. Another dude saying I was selfish. Another time I was always making it about me. Another person saying that I shouldn't do this or that.
Y'know, I grew up in a household where apparently I was always getting my way.
If I truly was, we would go to Disneyland more. I wouldn't go to school when I'm sick. I could stay up and watch movies. We would go out to eat every night at the place I chose. I am seriously laughing.
I always went to school sick. I had a bedtime. I couldn't go to the movies, those shits were expensive. I didn't get toys, they were useless. We couldn't go out to eat, its too much work to drive.

I am always caught between making myself liked, making myself happy, listening to others, listening to my heart. And y'know what? I've had it! Sure, I'll listen and take your words into consideration if the situation was my bad. But never, EVER tell me not to talk like its about me! For once, I'm actually doing things that involve me and my happiness! Sure, I'll let others talk. I might make them happy when I think of them, but when I feel its my time, I will bury you if you put me behind a shadow.
I am tired of always thinking about others. I have always thought about others.
I was always in the background making sure people are ok. I have had to fucking tip toe!
Wanna know what my therapist said? "Don't tip toe, if they can't handle you, then they aren't your friend. You should find someone who has the same amount of freedom around you as you do to them."
So there! I ain't gonna tip toe. I will say sorry when I made a mistake, but thats it, conversation is over. If you have more to say, then you can say it in your head. I apologized, done. Go out my door and on with your life!

-sighs- Seriously...

If I had a dollar for every time someone would comment or try to start things after I apologized I would have enough money to find a place of my own and live a peaceful life. And that dollar is every little comment they say to me for one apology. They could say up to 10 things. Like woooow. I don't wanna sit through this boring part of life, but I can't skip it like I do with movies.

Anyway, I will talk about myself, because sometimes other people are boring and have nothing to add to the conversation. I remember I had a conversation with this guy, dubbed B, and that was our first serious, deep conversation ever. I remember that I never felt bad or shy that I was talking about myself too much. He was engaging me to ask the right questions. For the first time, not going to lie, that conversation made me feel accomplished. It was a successful talk between us and I never felt that before. He also makes talking really easy, but still!


Second part:
Duuuude! After that horrendous, never again, not ever, in a million years chat, it got me thinking about my brain. There is an underlying thing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with the writing section so, we're all good here! (lol)
I know there is more to me than just my depression. I feel like I know I have more mental dents in my mind.
Which lead to me reading a tweet on FB. It said that after a while of smoking or using weed to get away from depression, it might lead to us using it because of our depression. Like "we sad so we use" became "we use because we sad." Or is it the other way? I don't know, hopefully you get my point. Now here is where I come into the story.
Over winter break, between Dec-Jan, I got some edibles. They were gummies and delicious. (not really) And anytime I was sad or felt a wave of my sadness come, I would take one. Now, over the next 2 days I ate the gummies because I kept feeling sad.
I also didn't wanna feel sad around "you know who" (if ya don't, its this dude I like).
For those 3 days straight I felt so... like I was on a loop-dee-loop rollercoaster nonstop.
When the 4th day came and I didn't take it.... yoooo those feelings of needing it were so crazy in my body.
It was like my body wanted it, but when I saw my gummies, my stomach turned so hard I almost passed out.
This story is for those to know that not all things are meant for everyone. I can't handle my depression by suppressing. But someone I know who smokes it out of her pen, she needs it to get through the day.

I think everyone has their processes. Everyone has their specific medicine. And not everyone you know should be your friend. Sometimes, it's better to stop something and feel better than to continue it and feel like a zombie.


Peace. :)