So... Now what?

I'm kinda bored.


Like that's it.


I don't know, usually I have something poetic or inspiring to say, but today? I didn't see you, I felt a little sad. Weird how you can completely change my mood. I could be angry or irritated, but the second I see your face I'll get happy. I love it.


You're like a drug, but this time, it actually works.
I've tried others and nothing effects me. AND I MEAN NOTHING!! WEED, ALCOHOL, SLEEPING MEDICINE, AND OTHER STUFF THAT I AM NOT PROUD OF.

But none of them worked. But you're the only drug that does. Amazing isn't it, I guess I have written something down.

Would you...

Would you like to...?

Ya know, instead of running away from my problems. I crochet them away.

I put all of that annoyance and irritation into my work. Surprisingly I go faster.
I go so fast that I finish a whole ball of yarn in maybe 2 hours.
Yeah, I know. I'm crazy.

When I ask questions, I respectfully want a straight answer. It could be a yes or a no.

Do you want food? Yes.
Do you want to go to sleep? No.
Would you like the heat on? Yes.
How about some music? No.
Do you want something to drink? No.
Would you like to go shopping? Yes.

See? How hard can that be? Apparently very, for you.

Ask me what I want to eat. My go to is Chinese or Italian. Why? Rice or pasta. Seriously. My two favorite foods.

Ask me what I want to do in the day time. Go on an adventure to Hollywood and look in the sexy shops. Go get my hair done. Let's go to the mall and walk around talking about little things.

Ask me what I want to do when I'm older. I will say, "I want to be a Marine Biology Researcher. I would like to research about the life forms in all the different seas."

Ask me what I want for Christmas. Oooh this is surely a hard one. Not. I want my family to party, give gifts, eat, and have a good time. I want my family back together for Christmas. I want to remember everything that happens.

Why? Why is it so hard for you to realize that I'm a different person? I'm not shy at knowing what I like and dislike anymore. I speak up in certain situations. I don't shy away at a stupid little dare.
If my friends want me to go up to a guy and get his number for them I will. I don't care about the guy. I don't care about the number. I care about showing my friends that life isn't all that complex. You can literally go up to a person and ask to use their phone to call your mom, trust me, I've done it a bunch of times. No one really cares what you do. Strangers, I mean. Your family might care, but then again, so what? All you have to do is make yourself feel happy and do things you love.

So I'll ask again.
Would you like to go with me?

Yes or no?

Well, never mind

Sad, confused, upset, and angry.
That is what you made me feel when you ended our conversation with "Night"

I know you. When you're done talking, or rather done listening to me talking, you do this.

This is a main reason why I don't talk to you about certain things because I know how you get.
Ooo! You bug the crap outta me when you do this.
I'm so done with you acting like this. Why are you acting like this? And if you say it's me, then by God, you better be ready for my reaction.

You make me feel like shit.

There, I'm going to be blunt.

You make me feel sick to my stomach when you act this way. In case you haven't noticed, I worry, a lot. And when you act this way, I know it's because of something I did or say. That will be my main thought until you tell me otherwise. I get so sick to my stomach that I feel like I might even throw up. I say "might" because I try to calm myself down before I do and make a mess over a STUPID LITTLE THING.

UURRRGH!! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I LOVE YOU AND THAT I FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU??? When I ask what's wrong, you tell me. When I sense something on your mind, you better fucking tell me. BECAUSE I HAVE GOTTEN REAL CLOSE TO YOU, EMOTIONALLY, THAT I CAN FUCKING SENSE THINGS WHEN YOUR GODDAMN MOOD CHANGES.

Everything I do or try to show you, it means that I care for you like the last piece of my fucking heart.
I'm now blunt, people say rude, because I tried another way. I tried to be loved by everyone. That didn't work out. I tried to please people while sticking to myself, that didn't go very well either. So now, I'm trying this new thing called, being myself. And I found out that I can weed people out by being myself.
I can weed out that bad people in my life that bring negativity. Yes, I'm still nice, but I'm now cautious when I first meet people.
I have spectacular friends that I've meet this semester.
I have also met people that I wish to not associate with anymore.

And then there's you.

God, where do I even begin. You say I change moods? Yeah, at least you can see them changing. While you, you just keep it silent.
Well fuck you!! *middle finger*
But it looks like I already have.


My last question to ask and then I'm done for tonight.

Why can't you see that I love you very much, that when you feel upset, I want to help?


Hey, my stomach feels better, well would you look at that.

You keep me calm

That's it. 
I yell in my head.

I need to meditate. I need to do something that keeps me calm.

Think of something. I say in my head.
Think of an event.
Think of him. 

Wow, that actually calms me.

Think of his eyes and how he looks at you. Think of his lips and how they move when he talks. Think of his smile when you stare for too long. Think of his arms and how they hold you tight when you hug. Think of how his walks  have a personality for different emotions. Think of how he smells with his lotion, cologne, and shampoo. 

Think of how much he loves you. 


Dang, this works. 

This is it. I say calmly in my head.

So fucking CLOSE!

"I think I'm in LOoOoove Again!!!"
-Kat Dahlia


This song is probably my go to. Whenever or wherever, it's always the one that gets to me. Apart from the new Adele song.

Every single time that I listen to this song, I have an idea for choreographing something for my summer job.
I work downtown LA with kids and teach them about the Arts. Every summer the counselors, I'm one, puts on a little show for the kids so that they know that anyone can perform. Or some shit like that. Last summer, I finally performed with a group, ugh I loved it. This summer, I'm going to try and choreograph a routine to Kat's song.

Wait. I just realized that the song says, "Fuck you." somewhere... oops. Oh well, maybe I'll do something else instead.

"Cause I ain't been myself.

Lately something's going on

Nah, boy I ain't even slept,

I been up all night long

In my head,

Tryna figure out what I want, what I do, 

What I don't"

-Kat Dahlia, Crazy

I don't know man, I think I'm in love? Hahaha. Probably, but this feeling feels nice. 

Anyway, I gotta go to Psych class and bullshit through a presentation on a paper that I haven't even finished. Good Luck out there guys, some people are fucking weirdos, and you gotta watch out for them, or else they'll capture you. Then you're done for, because you'll fall in love with them. ❤

So, not the night I was expecting.

What the actual fuck?

I am supposed to be the girl the relationship right? I'm supposed to have the mood swings right? Am I supposed to be the one keeping the secrets? Probably. Do I? No, why? I don't have a reason to keep things from the person I love. Even now, I spill out all of my feelings onto this stupid writing blog.
Have you seen the URL? Haha, I had to come up with a new one.

So out of all of those questions, am I the one doing most of these? Maybe before, but now? I feel you are the "girl". And they say girls, women, and the female "species" are complicated. Pssht. Yeah right, once you live with a girl for a month or two, she's not that hard to read. Live with a guy? He'll probably be too busy playing video games to even hear you calling his name. Yeah, I know what everyone is thinking. "Woah, that was so sexist!" Is it? Probably. But is it also the truth? Fuck yes.

Man, I am on a roll today.

Another thing people used to do to me, or at least I thought they were done.
They let me go to bed mad.
They say, "Never let your woman to go bed mad."
Which is true, I mean I had so many thoughts running through my head. I had to stop and concentrate on breathing deeply. Oh, I had to really focus on that or I might've done something bad. I don't know what, but I get scary.

Anyway, long ass story short, I went to bed mad and I woke up mad. Don't know how this day will turn out, but I do know one thing for sure.

I am getting a massage. A free one at that.

A regular Tuesday

   So I went to therapy today and it was the first time I cried. The first time I had my therapist, Julie, see me broken and vulnerable. I felt like a little girl who lost her mom in the grocery store. I hated it. She asked me why I was crying. Because of my relationship, I thought. I told her about what was going on the past few days. "He's been really confusing when we text. He seems happy, but you blink once and he gets snappy/upset."
We talked about how I communicated my feelings towards him, which apparently, I don't do. "Do you tell him how you feel?" She asked. I thought I do. "I'm not sure, I try, but I don't want to hurt him. I have to tip toe around certain things I say."
I tend to tell Julie this a lot that she stops me and says, "It seems that you care about his feelings and how he sees you. And you told me before that he wants you to act yourself, but when you do, he does what?"
I told her how I try to act myself, but I always say something that ticks him off. Then I go back to being the girlfriend who doesn't say how she really feels.
"So overall, you want to be yourself around him without disrupting things between you two."
Damn, she's good. 
I want to be myself without being mean. I'm super sarcastic, that when taken the wrong way, I hurt people. I don't want to do that. "Yeah, I am a happy person, but I want to feel at ease with him and not feeling..." I trail off and sit in silence. "I don't know what the word is to describe what I'm feeling." We sit in silence some more while I try hard to think. I think so hard that I start crying again, and I know why. "I hate showing my emotions because people will judge me." Which they do.

After a few minutes of talking and finding the word, I told her all about how I feel. She then told me that I need to be assertive when talking to him and to tell him how I feel. I'm slowly doing that, but again, I'm still tip toeing. I get frustrated with myself because I try so hard to communicate with him 1,800 miles away only using text and call.

SO yeah, that was a usual Tuesday for me. And next Tuesday it'll be the same, but hopefully without the crying. I hate that.