A regular Tuesday

   So I went to therapy today and it was the first time I cried. The first time I had my therapist, Julie, see me broken and vulnerable. I felt like a little girl who lost her mom in the grocery store. I hated it. She asked me why I was crying. Because of my relationship, I thought. I told her about what was going on the past few days. "He's been really confusing when we text. He seems happy, but you blink once and he gets snappy/upset."
We talked about how I communicated my feelings towards him, which apparently, I don't do. "Do you tell him how you feel?" She asked. I thought I do. "I'm not sure, I try, but I don't want to hurt him. I have to tip toe around certain things I say."
I tend to tell Julie this a lot that she stops me and says, "It seems that you care about his feelings and how he sees you. And you told me before that he wants you to act yourself, but when you do, he does what?"
I told her how I try to act myself, but I always say something that ticks him off. Then I go back to being the girlfriend who doesn't say how she really feels.
"So overall, you want to be yourself around him without disrupting things between you two."
Damn, she's good. 
I want to be myself without being mean. I'm super sarcastic, that when taken the wrong way, I hurt people. I don't want to do that. "Yeah, I am a happy person, but I want to feel at ease with him and not feeling..." I trail off and sit in silence. "I don't know what the word is to describe what I'm feeling." We sit in silence some more while I try hard to think. I think so hard that I start crying again, and I know why. "I hate showing my emotions because people will judge me." Which they do.

After a few minutes of talking and finding the word, I told her all about how I feel. She then told me that I need to be assertive when talking to him and to tell him how I feel. I'm slowly doing that, but again, I'm still tip toeing. I get frustrated with myself because I try so hard to communicate with him 1,800 miles away only using text and call.

SO yeah, that was a usual Tuesday for me. And next Tuesday it'll be the same, but hopefully without the crying. I hate that.