Lonely

 I love writing and I love stories, but I feel like I might say too much or reveal a lot.
For a long time I kept secrets whenever I was on the internet. I would never say my name, I would never give my age, and I would never give details about my life.

Then I just got tired.

Why not have people know who I am?
I bet there are a lot of fake people out there, and I wanted to show the world a real person with real issues going on in her life.

Only when things get bad in my relationship, I write on here. Or if I get a thought that won't go away unless I tell it to someone.

So, here is today's story. My story.


It happened again and I called my best friend, she said that would know the difference between mad and super mad. I thought that my boyfriend was super mad this time. He said, "Don't fucking touch me," as he was leaving my house.
I said something I shouldn't have said.

Now it is the next day and he hasn't contacted me. I never know what he might do. Ignore. Talk. Or actually leave me.

He also said another thing as he went through my front door, and it was so hurtful I felt my heart break into pieces.

Fine, if he doesn't talk to me, I will talk to his mother. Because honestly? If I talk to her and she says something off, I know he told her that we were through. Then if he doesn't tell her and he has a plan to talk to me, I know for sure. I just got done texting his mom to go see a new movie. She was excited and set a time for today.

So just to be clear; my boyfriend and I had a huge argument, the next day he didn't text me (yet), and I am going to the movies with his mom.
What I don't know is if he is going along....so wish me luck and pray for me, because this might not be the end of this story.

Bodies of Water

Well, guess who argued with me again.

Surprisingly, I found something out about myself and him.
One, I didn't argue with him, I talked to him and I emphasized certain words, but as I was typing it all out, the voice in my head was in control and calm. It wasn't yelling at him. She wasn't even crying from the overwhelming pressure. No, it was like a robot almost.
Two, he gets very defensive, doesn't let me get a word in, and then stops it to a halt completely. My guess is that he never fought with someone all the way through. He has never been in such a fight where the raging storm becomes a calm sea. Instead, the raging storm just moves and sulks for a bit while the sea just waits for him.

If you guessed it, I am the sea, always waiting for the clouds to become the shining sun again.

And that's what he is in my life, the shining sun.

But I've seen a pattern every time we fight. I fight about the present, then he brings up the past, and then he gets worse, and then just cuts me off.

I have never brought up the past so many as he would. I would bring it up, if it was necessary, but not as a debatable reason to argue. Which I never understand. He is fragile, I don't mean as an insult, but he is quite stubborn.

He is hurt by my past, but doesn't seem to remember when he slips up and makes mistakes.
He is only putting me down and blaming me when we argue, not trying to solve it.

To which that is my job. Trying to fix it.


A year ago, I would've been on my knees crying my eyes out begging him to talk to me.
But now that I know inside his head a bit, I just have my own method of handling him, and he is quite the handful for my tiny hands.

First, I try my everything to try and get him to talk, if he doesn't I stop. Then I will write it out instead, because he refuses to listen to my voice. After that, if he still doesn't contact me within five minutes max, I turn everything off. Finally, I go for a brief walk to water or garden. Water because I live near a river while I am abroad or the garden when I am back home.


Usually after all the commotion, I wait until he contacts me. Let me tell you, he went for a full week. He could probably go longer, I bet. I only have three weeks left. 21 days. 504 hours.
That is how long I am still apart from him.

Even if he does last that long....he told me once, he might just end it with me.
I wouldn't be surprised if he did.
But then he would always say that he was stupid and that he would never break up.

If that's the case, I'm afraid I won't ever know what is true coming out of his mouth anymore. For a while, he hasn't said "I love you." to me on his own or first. Usually I say it, but I get "okay" as a response.

What happened?
Did he really stop loving me?

You know, the thing that is probably worse than death for me is if he did stop loving me.

I went to the water to look for answers and I got them. Here I am typing my heart on this screen waiting for people to read. If there is anyone to read it.

My answer? The one that the water told me?

It was to step away for a bit because my life is getting too overwhelmed. My head isn't focused on the things that need to be focused, because it is focused all on him.

Why is he the best and worst thing that happened to me?
More so, why is he the only one I want to be with?

Is there something wrong with my heart, or did it choose to be with him too early?







Peace

Who Talks First

The question you might ask yourself after a fight or something came up between you and your partner is..."Who is going to break the silence and talk first?"

Normally, in my shoes, I always talk first.

I'm going to try and stay quiet until he realizes I'm not playing around and that I want him to confess to what he said.

Normally people fight about stupid things, but this??? This was different.

He brought up an awful experience I had when I was abroad in London. When it happened I told him because I was scared and horrified that it happened to me.

Me!! I'm the most cautious, most safe, and most aware person.

But I am not strong. No, that is a huge understatement.
I am not strong in my arms, but my legs can power windmills.

THE FOLLOWING IS ABOUT MY SEXUAL ASSAULT, SO IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS, THEN GO TO THE VERY BOTTOM. THANK YOU.

I was trapped against a wall and a stranger. My hands and arms were being held by this stranger.

I froze.

I thought, "I've seen this many times in shows!! Why am I not moving??"

Then I had to get out of my head and try to move. I knew that if I just did nothing, my night would've been much worse. I know that the moment was probably less than 5 minutes, but it seemed like forever.

To the music, I turned around and escaped from the stranger. I don't know how the hell I did it, but I was so ready to leave.

During the time he had me, things happened that I never want to share, mainly because it was so terrifying.

When I got away, I went into the stairwell that lead outside and I sat on a step and started crying.

I got away.

That was repeating over and over in my head. Yes, I did get away, but not without bruises on my neck and my body feeling dirty. I felt numb from being shocked by what happened. I couldn't believe something like that just happened to me.

When I got back home for the summer in the US, I felt nervous to get kissed by my boyfriend. When he did kiss me, I had to stop. I did a few times and I looked away. The memory was so fresh I couldn't close my eyes without being back there in London at that club. It was such an awful experience that whenever I got intimate with my boyfriend, I had to immediately stop. Or I just tried to let it happen so it could distract me.

Every night that I went home, I took a shower. I just stood there trying to forget, trying to wash off the strangers touch, and trying to get past of what happened.

To this day, I'm still a little hesitant with my boyfriend. Not because I'm scared of him, but because I'm scared of what the memory might do to my mind. I don't want to feel alone in this and I want to be loved, but after something like that....it's hard.

ENDING

It has been a year since it happened and I still haven't told my mom or my sister. Only because I don't know how they will react. I don't know what questions might pop up and I don't know what they will do with the information.

I'm scared and I can feel that I'm not the same person.
It sucks guys, but it's what I have to live with.


Peace and Love to everyone.

Pay Attention

Pay attention.
Gentlemen, pay attention to your woman.
Once you loose that connection with her, you loose her as a whole.

She will realize that she is not your priority.
Whether it was to talk about her day, some minor thing that made her happy, or even seeing a cute dress in a window.
Once she knows that you don't pay attention, she knows you stopped caring 100%.
Yeah, you might say you care, but when you say it, it means less and less to her.

You might not know all the favors, all the times she listened, or the times where she cared about you with all her heart.
Heck you don't even know she is hurting because you're not paying close attention.

Don't do this men. Your woman will be no more.
She might not leave right away, but she will become distant.
She might isolate herself.
She might text, message, or talk to you less.
She might not message you at all.
She might just stop to have hope that you will talk first.


Now, I'm not an expert, but I am going through things like this.

I made the choice to get with a man that is very independent.
That's very distracted easily.
That's very bored easily.
And mainly, doesn't talk a lot about his day to day life.
Why?
Ask him.



(This was kinda inspired by the song "Art of Letting You Go" by Tori Kelly)

Peace and Love guys

Taking a break, but he won't know....

Are we compatible?

Does he really love me?

Now, I see what people have been saying when I tell them the stories I recall.

I am never sure what happens during his day, so I won't ever get mad, but I have noticed that he gets irritated easily.

I do to, but I let it go easily as well.

Now, what I am about to say is very much true and I never doubt the love in our relationship.
We were talking on the phone and for the past hour I have been listening to him practice making some beats and sound on his DJ app. Now, from what I have been hearing, it was basically him practicing and memorizing the certain buttons to tap.
Then I ask him a simple question, "Can you play what you have been practicing for me? One time through?"
Now, I am not sure where it happened or if I said something in a manner that he has never heard, but on the other side I hear him say, "What?! I have been! That's what I have been doing? What do you think I have been doing?"

That spew of words and his tone brought me back to a horrible, yet memorable moment in my life. My dad had the same tone and repeated words over and over at my mom. "What do you mean? I have been doing that? No!! You're doing it wrong!! That's not how you do it!!"

It was a simple task my mom had asked my dad to do on the computer, and when she tried following his instructions, he said those words. Never lending a steady hand or speaking calm, no, he went straight into frustration.

Where are my parents now? Divorced.
My mother is unhappy and still wanting love.
My dad is unhappy and trying to do a job to keep him afloat in the world.

Me? Well, my story, I am still writing it and trying to change the outcome.

My boyfriend becomes easily annoyed, frustrated, and heated whenever I confuse him. Whenever I make myself unclear. Whenever I ask silly questions. Whenever I ask if he is still listening. Whenever I say or do something, anything....and I am the one who is wrong.

But I try things differently.
I try to speak calm.
I try to diffuse.
I try to tell him that it was nothing important.
Yet, he continues to be frustrated and demands for me to tell him again.

I raised my voice and said, "I don't want you to get mad or upset because of something I said. Let it go. Don't worry about the question. Go on your break and be calm."

I kept saying please over and over in my head.

Thankfully his mom stepped in at the right moment and started talking to him.

This made me wonder, am I the only one he fights with and never lets it go?\

I know he fights with his mom, but he gets over it quickly.
I know he gets in a disagreement with his best friend, but they sort it out.

Never, in our relationship, has he ever let a fight/argument/disagreement/or anything else, go.

And I wonder, What does this mean?
What does it mean for me?
What does it mean for us?
Does he love me so much that he tries to fix it himself, but gets more frustrated?
Does he not love me and maybe thinks that if I see him this way I'll let him go?

There are so many questions and reasons that I won't know the answers to.
That's why I ask them here. They are just something that is put out there and they will never be answered.
I am fine with that, because later in life, I will answer them myself.

In the end, I still love him. I will be at his side and I will never encage him. I will let him grow. No, I will help him grow to become a better person.
I do know him well enough that I know he needs a certain "space" but still have me around.
Meaning, I will be like air or a shadow, but I won't make sound so that he may deflate from his anger and frustration.

We all get frustrated and we all deflate from it. I just know his way very well, because I am at his side.

I will always be at his side, no matter what.

Thank you as always for anyone out there reading this.\

Peace and Love

Becoming Anew

I will no longer wish negativity on people, nor will I wish harm done to them.

I mean, I spoke ill of some, but I never really wished anyone harm.

Yes, there will be those who are mean, rude, or whatever sort of nasty, but I will only wish them happiness on their journey in life.

I am not my past. I am myself in the present waiting for the future.
In the meantime, I go about my life, trying to make it a great or at least content with what I did that day.
If I have done wrong, I apologize.
I know that I probably hurt people, and that is not right.
I have seen that what I have done in the past is wrong and that I will no longer be that person or human being ever.
I want to keep it real and mature with everyone.
No more silliness or playing around.

I have made a realization about my life and I am modeling it after what my mom had said.
"I am only going to do things that make me happy."
To add to that, I will also help do things for others so that they are happy.
Whether it is being a good friend or someone who is there for anyone when they need it.

I am tired of being unhappy and not being able to please everyone. Someone once told me that I can't please everyone, which is why they are so content with their life.

I have a big heart and I want to spread happiness and love.

❤

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

So.... I didn't realize that my boyfriend still has this URL.

Hey baby!!!

Anyway, well life is shit, but it's also like a nice beach picnic.

The shitty parts are when I have to take shit and rude comments from people who are close to me.

And the beach picnic part is when the days are good and when I don't mess up.

I am in Switzerland now.

For some reason, I remember going to Europe for the first time like it was yesterday, but really it as 10 years ago when I was just a wee kid.

I don't know what it was, but when I traveled, I felt different.
Probably because I was going somewhere cold for the first time haha.... California humor.

Maybe it was because I knew there was a world outside of my city, but I never knew how to get to the outside and explore.
When the time came, I got to go to a few countries out of the many.

Let me tell you, when I got back from Europe and I was telling people at school, they were getting tired of me. They didn't want to listen to my stories of adventures and I felt sad. I felt confused as to why they would rather play handball than listen to what I experienced. It felt like a movie when I was traveling and I wanted to share the same "awe" feeling and happiness I felt.
But no one would really listen or even want to be my friend. I didn't know why.
I felt like a loner....ha! I was a loner.
I wanted to experience more of that feeling, I don't know what to call it, but it made me feel happy.
I went to the library and I started looking at maps and books about other places in the world. I started reading more stories that related to me. I started to get involved in the fiction books I was reading. Reading books that had real life experiences or magic or myth or romance gave me that feeling I had when I traveled.


Anyway, back to the present

I am in Europe again, studying abroad, again.
I think being in the middle of Europe is a little bit better than being above Europe.
Switzerland feels different, but it has similarities with London and California.
The public transportation...man, I'll tell you it is superb!!!

For those who don't know me, I love a good transportation system.
So for me to go to school in the Midwest is hilarious, because public transportation sucks.

hahaha...
I can't wait for this school year to be over again. I just want to graduate, go back home, and get an internship for an organization that I like.

Bye