My Heart Beats Hard

My head hurts like I banged it against the sharpest edge I could ever find.
It has come down to it and it is the last week of "finals" before I go home for "break".
I say it like that because it never is a break for me and I am still stressing over the smallest details when I am at home.
My piano final went great. I got a perfect!
My theater final went well. I got four wrong.
My law final went amazing! I knew all the material. (I say this 'cause I only studied the night before)
My french final went horribly wrong. I think I failed.
But it is not my problem because my brain can only hold so much information.
Don't try and give me a test about subjontif, conditionnel, imparfait, and futur ever combined! That is still hurting my head!

Right now I am sitting down typing this while I wait for my rice to finish cooking.
As I realize how small my roommate is when she walked out of her room, I ponder about my body.

Have I gotten smaller? Are my thighs still nice and plump? How is my face looking?

No one has really seen photos of me back home and my friend hasn't seen a pic or a live vid of my face for 2 weeks... I love this mystery!

I am not saying this to encourage people to not eat or to do something bad.. All I am saying, is that I have not taken good care of myself, as much as I should, but I still look in the mirror and have insecurities.

Even if I had less fat on my body and I had nice muscles, I would still probably still feel bad.
Anyway, if I go back home and I fit into my size 12 shorts, I'll be happy and wear them all the time.
And if I don't, then I don't know. I will still try to work on myself and workout more, but like... school is basically taking up most of my life.
I don't have time to eat even...


Oh well, hopefully I will be more active and eat more food in general when I am back home.



Peace.

Only showing the Surface

Ignoring what other people say is easier said than done... unless you let it sink in for a few moments and then after about 10 minutes of talking to your friends, you go to youtube and watch some videos.

Then that one little mean comment, sentence, or paragraph means nothing to you.

Yes, it took me a while to get used to not caring what others say, but as long as I look forward or I watch something that makes me happy, then the bad feeling leaves me.

This time, it was a lot of harsh words, but I know that some of the things weren't true for me. And that is what I should live by. You wouldn't believe someone if they told you that you had purple hair, when you could clearly see brown. Why should I care what someone says if I know it isn't true?

Anyway... I don't have anything else to say, except if you know it's true for you, then don't care what someone says about you.

Peace!

Nothing New

Same old stuff.
Guy I love, doesn't feel the same way.
Friends are close, and have an enemy closer. (due to a spell)
Life is dull and brain still not fixed.
Finishing late homework for a class, mainly because I didn't do it.
Taking care of myself, not really.
Lost weight, see above.
Dyed hair, same me.
Probably gonna fuck some friends, maybe not.

All this is because I don't know who I am, so my choices are not concrete.

Also, I give so much stupid love to people that I feel like I am just giving out empty hugs, meaningless kisses, and fake love making.

Y'all, I am smiling while I say in my head, "I can't wait to die soon."

It has come to the point where I might be more happy to die than to graduate and go back home.

Alrighty, gotta do homework for law, theater, piano, and stupid french.

Au Revoir!
(Peace.)

In 2 Years...

Something is going to happen in 7 months.
Something familiar is going to happen in a year.
And something big is going to happen in 2 years.

I am tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I don't want to try anymore, but I am giving myself a year.
A year back home.
A year where it is familiar.
A year to see if things change.
To see if I change.

If I try my best, do the work, and I see some progress, then I will live until I grow old.
But... if I do everything and I still feel the same... then it isn't the world, the people around me, or what I do... it's me.

If I am the problem, then I will solve it accordingly.

I don't want people to be sad, annoyed, or let out a famous sigh around me anymore.
I don't want to be the person who drags everyone down and they say behind my back, "Let's never invite her with us again."

How bad does someone have to be for others, in a group, to say that over and over?
I try every time when I am around people. I try different ways to not upset the environment.
I have to play it cool until my decision comes around.
I need to act like everything is okay, even when it isn't.
I can't love anymore people and get hurt in the end, I am too tired to try all over again.
I realized what my brother meant when he said dating was tiresome... because in the end, you're going to try all over again. Granted he did try one last time, but didn't start anything first, and now he is married.
I want that to happen to me, but I will never be in someone's view. I will never be someone's first, or last, and I am giving up.

I also have feelings for my... that person... but it's hard to let go when this person you love isn't dead and they are still in your life.
I mean, my grandparents died, so I didn't hang on to that love. I mourned and I moved on. I am at peace with what happened to them, and I can reverse it, so I shouldn't hold on to those feelings.

But my first ever....that....with....them.... and they are still alive and around. I can't let go and I don't want to.
They did. They moved on. They told me countless times that they don't feel that way about me.
I even told....them... that if we did....do that.... then my love won't stop for them.
I told... said those words countless times to them, but I still don't think they hear me.

So I am going to take initiative and move on.
I am giving myself a year, giving my all into this, and we will see how the results are in the end.
If it doesn't go well, then I will type a goodbye post... to all four of you.




Peace.

Glasses for the hard of Hearing

I always wonder what it would be like to be deaf like my mom.
Or to go blind like my aunt.

I would stare in the sun.
Blast noise into my head.
Try everything so I wouldn't have one or the other.
But as I grew up... it is becoming a reality.
I need glasses to focus my eyes.
I need the volume on music down low that my friends get mad at me for requesting it.

But if I had to choose? For permanent?
I would go deaf.
I wouldn't want to hear your voice.
I wouldn't want to know your laugh anymore.
I don't want to recognize a phrase you say in a video.
No more noise.
It's false anyways... you never tell the truth.
If I was deaf... I would have never heard you yell at me.
I would have never heard crashes and slaps.
I would have never seen you mad in a different room.

If I couldn't hear anymore, I would be able to sleep better.
I'd probably make my depressive mood worse.
I wouldn't hear a thing.
I would sleep for days.
I wouldn't hear the noises from my phone... like anyone cares anyways.

Right now, my life is constant noise... so much so that I have to mute everything to feel at ease.
But again, no one cares enough.
Which is why I like the only noise in my head.
It tells me what I want to hear.
It never lies to me.
I hear it 24/7.

I heard it tell me that one day you would leave me and never look at me like you did before.
The next time you would stare into my eyes, would be the day you say, "I miss you."
Or so I have been told.


It's getting late, dark, and scary.
Let me sleep some more before I have to wake to this nightmare.



Peace.

You never do

I sliced up my legs.
I watch as they turn red.
The right hurts more than the left.
Funny thing, I didn't cry.
I screamed and I banged my fists against my thighs.

This.
This is what happened to me when I am frustrated.
Now I can look at what anger has done.
It doesn't hurt anymore.
It isn't red anymore.
And it won't scar by the time I see you.

No matter how hard, or how much.
I never get traces of hurt on my skin.
I don't get scars that last forever.
My skin goes back to the way it looks.
I am not human then.
I do not feel human.
I feel other.



I want to go back to sleep... for a couple of days.


Peace.

Pieces of my Heart

"I would always wake up and think to myself, how lovely would the bed be if it was warmed up with someone else in it beside me. I could look over at the person I love and smile to myself knowing how lucky I am. And to this day, I've been wanting to have that feeling of sleeping next to you. Knowing that when your arms are around me, I feel safe."

Little does the person know that these are my constant thoughts and that one day this will be said out loud to them. I want to show you my vow. I want to show you my wounded heart. I want to show you that with the pieces of my heart left, I was able to love you.

"So,            , I am happy to say that I am and will be married to you. I will love you forever and ever and even if you stop loving me, my heart will still beat."

That is what I have.
This is what I can give.
And... yet, I might not find a person to love me ever again to even want to ghost write about them.
LOL

Anyway, that is all for today.

Peace.

Hello...welcome home.

I am trying.
Let's be normal.
Let's be rational.
Be like a sad song where it flows perfectly and never goes crazy.
Calm like water.
Smooth like a breeze.
Don't be brash like a drum set.
Be gentle like the strum of a guitar.
Sing Once Upon A December.
Never let "HER" irritate you.
Don't over think.
Never doubt.
You are fine.
Breathe.
You can control your own emotions.
Calm your heartbeat.
Workout the anger, if you have any.
Sleep and relax because everything in life can et over whelming.
Go crocheting with friends, actually, make a new scarf and throw the old one away.
Don't be bothered by other people.
Love yourself.
Repeat, even if it's hard.


This is something I should really live by and repeat. I should try to focus on myself and not anyone else. I should make sure people I care about are alright, but I shouldn't get involved. Do my work, relax, and focus. I should be able since I got my glasses (I chuckled at my terrible joke).

Peace.

I forgot what to say...

I had a whole lot to say, I was mad, done, frustrated, sad, and I gave up on all hope.
I said it in my head a bunch of times and I recalled what I was going to say here, but now that I am writing, I have forgotten.
Maybe that is a good thing, like how they say "ignorance is bliss"? But then I remember that if I don't know about something, then I am naïve and I "should have known better".
But do I? Do I really know better? No.

It's been a while since I have typed, but this will become my internet diary.
Forever here. Forever taking up space on the web. Forever my thoughts that everyone will know about. Well, almost everyone.

I am not sure if I have made such a following that I would ever go viral, no, but I do have hope that one day people will read this and find some insight for their own lives.

Anyway, continuing on my road where I was about to tell you all that has happened.
For starters, I am not talking to my sister. I am still broken up from my boyfriend. I am graduating Uni this coming year. I don't have to fly anymore. Hopefully, I won't have anymore roommates, but seeing how this economy is, I might have them for the rest of my life. Let's see... what else? Oh! My mother is dying, but what's new? I am going back home for break. Oh! And I still see my ex.

So yeah, the only thing that I HAVE accomplished is getting this far in school, getting my license (yay!), and being able to legally drink. Even though I don't like alcohol that much.

That's all for today!

Peace!

The Weather is Changing

So, it is supposed to be spring, but where I am, the weather doesn't want to comply at all and it is making me mad.
I want it to be warm and sunny. Okay, how about just start with it being sunny. I mean, I also need to go shopping for some shorts because my sister made me realized that I don't have a lot of summer clothes.
Next thing on my list for the summer is finding out what I should buy to make myself for food. I want to be healthy, eating lots of protein, nuts, and fruits.
So I have been reading a lot of food and health articles and I got this.

Morning: Have a shake with protein, eat one piece of fruit, and some nuts.
Snack: fruit, chocolate, nuts, veggies
Lunch: Chicken/turkey, rice/bread, veggies, fruit, and something sweet
Snack: yogurt, granola, fruit, tea
Dinner: Chicken, rice, veggies
Dessert: anything sweet

And drink water for everything or tea or homemade juice.

Hopefully, if i stick with it for the summer, I will be ready to at least walk up the stairs and not feel winded. That is all.

Peace.

Living my life

In a relationship, you are supposed to live your own life and not be too obsessed with each other.

I am new to this. I have never had a new relationship before and I am not even back home a lot to spend time with my boyfriend. So, if I add up all the breaks, I have been with him for about... less than a year, almost 11 months of seeing him. I have been with him for almost 3 years, this coming August. I have only been/seen him for less than that.

I think I am doing well, considering that I am in a first ever, long distance relationship.

Anyway, getting back to my point. I am telling this story because I did exactly what I tell others. I took my own advice. Sometimes you need to. I lived my life.
I went throughout the day hanging out with my friend, doing "homework" in the library, hanging at the apt., watching tv, and just not worrying about my boyfriend. I know for a fact that he is always busy with something. I don't think that he ever takes a break.

Then at night, I get a text. I don't look at it right away, I'm too focused on my show. After a bit, I look at it and I see it is from my boyfriend, "Let me know when I can call you". I was shocked. What? He actually thought of me? Lol, did he not see anything from me all day and think about it? Hehehehe. 
So I texted him back, but remembered that he sets his phone down and won't see the message, so I decided to call him.

We talk for a bit and then he says he needs to do something and that he will call me back. So I hang up and continue to watch my show. Some time goes by, after a few dances, eating food, and roasting going on in the apt. I get another message, "Hey". I messaged back and get, "Want me to call back?" I text him, "sure". And soon enough, I get a call from him.

He asks me what I am doing and I tell him I'm at the "Guys Apt" (my friends live in the same apt, so my bff and I nicknamed it that), and that I am doing homework. I can tell that he is playing a game, and I let him, I mean I am busy doing actual work.

So this continues until I finished my work, it's midnight, and I am ready to leave. I pack up and go back to my room. We are still on the phone and I tell him I will text him because it's late and I don't want to wake up my roommate. Funny thing though, I forgot to text him, I feel asleep.

But it was a great day, and I feel I should live like this because I don't add stress that I don't particularly need.

Peace!

The High Boyfriend

I love knowing things that are positive or that make me happy and I can just hold on to that moment.
Right now, my boyfriend is high and hanging with his friends at a Burger King.
It's kinda cute and stupid at the same time.
And right now, I am in my dorm room on my computer laughing at how cute my boyfriend is being.
Even though we are 1,800 miles away, he still makes me smile. (Even if he doesn't know it)

As the day unwinds and it turns into night, I slowly start the descent into becoming sleepy.
My tunes are making me feel the beat, but my head is still telling me that I can fall asleep and I will wake up only in the morning. No more waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

Anyway, I should get to sleep. Night.

Peace.

Music for Writing

I have a huge chunk left for my personal statement and I gotta get hype so i can get my writing juices flowing.
It is so amazing that I can think of all these things to say because I never would've guessed it that it helps.
I think it is because it helps me feel the emotions so I can type it on a page and get things done.

Plus, a lot of the songs I listen to have a lot of heavy beats and it helps that I can make my brain dance so it gets moving.

Also, on another note. I think of my cutie patootie and I get all so in love.

I LOVE MUSIC SO MUCH!!!

Anyway, have fun everyone. Go out and dance, and if you can't go out, then turn up the volume in your room and dance like crazy! It is so fun and it gets you so happy. Happy March! And Happy April tomorrow! I gotta go and finish that paper of mine.

Peace

Almost There... Just A Bit Further.

It is almost spring and it is almost time for me to finish things up.
I need to complete an application, write emails to get an internship, and to make my schedule for my last year of university.

Fall semester is usually the one that goes by so slowly, but after winter break hits, BAM!
Its Jan-Feb-March. I think it's because February isn't as long as we think, so after the 28th, BAM!
It's the first of March.

Now we are a few weeks away from May. And then in the middle of May, I am going home.

I just hope I get an internship. I need an internship because I need to add it to my summer schedule.
Then when that is settled, I can add things around it to have a good summer. I can relax and have fun.

New Year.... Same ol' me

I realized that not only those who write are storytellers. Other people can tell a story. Dancers, musicians, animators, photographers, and artists. They can tell a story in their own way.

I like to tell my story in words because I feel that people get tired of my voice. Also, I feel that I might lose my voice at the end of the day.

I am also writing to get back into it. I used to write a lot when I was in high school, but now that i am in college, it has been crazy. I mean my best friend is going to graduate this year and I am going to graduate next year. I should try to recount everything that I have, or have not, done during my four years of college.

Maybe I will add in some good "what i wish happened". 

Here's to another year.

Peace!