Release

I basically fired someone as my friend.
Goodbye, I don't want you right now in my life.
I think they were happy. I don't know, they haven't seen my message or replied.

It was my ex.
Ew, even thinking about that seems weird.
Another person becoming my ex... what does that make it, 4?
Amazing.
Had 2 girlfriends and 2 boyfriends. Next I shall pic the only friend I ever need, myself.

I just read something online, someone said, "Easy to spot a yellow car when you are always thinking of a yellow car. Easy to spot opportunity when you are always thinking of opportunity. Easy to spot reasons to be mad when you are always thinking of being mad. You become what you constantly think about. Watch yourself."

And I took that in a funny way, of course. Like oh I'm thinking about sex, maybe I might get sex. Or I am thinking of having a partner again. But really? I have been thinking about what my ex is doing. Texting that girl again. Not listening to me. Not texting me. Not caring.
That last one hurts because people say that everyone who cares about you would show it, yet my ex doesn't seem to give a care about me, so why should I? EXACTLY! 
I shouldn't care. I should care, however about my own well being, because frankly it is shitty. And my ex doesn't care about my health.

Want to know something funny? I showed him my scars and he started to exclaim. Exclaim! Can you believe that? Once I had evidence and scars and proof, OH NOW HE CARES. I laugh at that.

Don't do that. Don't do what I did. Don't hurt yourself for some low life nobody to try and get them to care for you. They don't. They only care when it is convenient for them.
Sucks cause all of his friends are exactly like that.
One thing I will miss, is the sex, kissing, and cuddling.
Like I could probably do without sex... but the intimate and sensual shit? I loved it.
Oh well. Gotta move on I guess.

Anyway, time to focus on myself, my mental illnesses, and trying to graduate.
Oh and not taking shit from my mother anymore. I am way over this from someone who.... not even going to get into it. My mother is not worth my time.

Also, I am going to see the movie The Upside. I've already seen the French version, so I'll check this one out and compare it.




Peace. :)

Understanding Myself

I feel as though I went through life without focusing on myself.
And now that I am focusing on myself, I feel like I am not who I really am.
I am doing research, asking people, and figuring out on my own what I am.

When I say "what", I truly mean what. It is not to say that I am a thing, more like I am searching for "what" is inside of me that makes me, me.

I have habits.
I have feelings.
And I see other people have certain habits.
I see their feelings.
Yes, everyone is different, but I see myself so different that I don't feel human.

I tried talking it out with someone to figure it out, but I don't get the results I want.
So, I take it into my own hands and try to do it on my own.

Wish me luck on figuring it out and hoping to find conclusions and have my mind at ease.


Peace.

Absent to the World

yo.... I almost froze to death.
I almost died in a hot death trap.
I wanted to break so hard.
I wanted to crash and bleed.

There is no end in sight and I have no clue how to stop it.
You know, there is medicine out there that helps "sustain" life, but won't cure an illness.
I know because both my grandparents were on it, my mom is on it, and I might need to be on it.

Everyone has their own medicine.

Mine is unknown for me and I really need some so I can function.
I have a substitute.
I listen to music while I type here.
I organize things at my work.
I have to keep busy with my hands.
And I fucked up, because I forgot my crochet stuff, damn.
I can't keep busy by reading, drinking, smoking, lying down, watching something, or even talking....
I NEED TO MOVE MY HANDS and I have no clue why.
Piano class helped, volleyball, crochet, typing, writing, tapping, wiggling, or even touching my hair.
I just have to do something with my hands or else I feel like I go insane.

There is an exception though... someone out there can make me forget about fidgeting. They can make me laugh and make me cry and make me interested in what is going on.
But they aren't there anymore.
Maybe I can find a substitute.

no one visits.
no one calls.
no one does anything.

Fine, then I will do nothing in return.
I am going to go deeper into this sadness and see what happens.
I might die.
Or I might prosper.
Whatever the outcome, just know that I documented how I felt here.



Peace.

Never Like This

Never have I ever had this feeling.
But also, never was I ever this way, until I met you.

Your body, your face, your voice.... I crave it more and more each day I am away from you.
I keep adding photos to our shared album, but it never ceases to amaze me that in any of them, you look so fucking hot!
Even the dorky ones.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I am not think with my head or my heart, I am thinking with my... you know what.

Has anyone ever been so attracted to a person you love that you want to do so many things with them??
In the end, even if we are cuddling and you pet my head... I would love it.

I am in my room typing this and on another tab is the photo album. It isn't good that I keep looking at one photo in particular and I have chocolate in my room. (It is said that chocolate is an aphrodisiac)
So I am doing my best to calm down and breathe slowly. Anyway, I don't think I have ever felt this pure lust for you in my whole time I have been with you. I know we are friends and I know we don't do things in public, only private. And that is fine!
What isn't fine is me wanting more of you, when I know damn well that I don't need you.

But right now, as I said before, I am not thinking with my head or heart, it is the other part of my body and I cannot contain this feeling for you.
It sucks and I want it to stop.
I think I'll go to bed now.



Peace.