Absent to the World

yo.... I almost froze to death.
I almost died in a hot death trap.
I wanted to break so hard.
I wanted to crash and bleed.

There is no end in sight and I have no clue how to stop it.
You know, there is medicine out there that helps "sustain" life, but won't cure an illness.
I know because both my grandparents were on it, my mom is on it, and I might need to be on it.

Everyone has their own medicine.

Mine is unknown for me and I really need some so I can function.
I have a substitute.
I listen to music while I type here.
I organize things at my work.
I have to keep busy with my hands.
And I fucked up, because I forgot my crochet stuff, damn.
I can't keep busy by reading, drinking, smoking, lying down, watching something, or even talking....
I NEED TO MOVE MY HANDS and I have no clue why.
Piano class helped, volleyball, crochet, typing, writing, tapping, wiggling, or even touching my hair.
I just have to do something with my hands or else I feel like I go insane.

There is an exception though... someone out there can make me forget about fidgeting. They can make me laugh and make me cry and make me interested in what is going on.
But they aren't there anymore.
Maybe I can find a substitute.

no one visits.
no one calls.
no one does anything.

Fine, then I will do nothing in return.
I am going to go deeper into this sadness and see what happens.
I might die.
Or I might prosper.
Whatever the outcome, just know that I documented how I felt here.



Peace.