Thoughts

It is almost going to be a year now of me being clean.
Clean.
No mess.
No harm.
I'm not hurting myself anymore... although the thought comes to me, but I can't.

I don't have scars... even from the deep ones, they have faded.
I remember where I have been hurt, touched, grabbed, yet those moments have passed. But I still feel it inside my mind.

I never thought I would be a statistic.
I became one. I became many.
I was angry.

I can't believe I let things happen to me. Not once or twice... but multiple times.
They say you remember your mistakes. Yes. And that you learn from them. No.
I thought I knew how to get out of something, but I haven't been able to yet.
I see the signs, but I freeze. The voice in my head say, "Go or you will die"

I didn't want to end up dead. Another statistic.

Every time I think of how I let myself down, I want to grab my scissors.
I can't.
But who needs me?
I don't have a mother. I don't have a partner. My siblings don't need me, they have partners. And all of my grandparents are dead, except my abuelita. She's in Colombia. Both sides of my family has fallen apart and angry at each other. I just started to make friends... but they too have partners and their own life. And I am currently out of work. What am I supposed to do?

Wouldn't it be easier to... die?

I thought so.
I tried.
Also on multiple occasions.

I'm slowly falling apart. I am tired of trying to put the pieces back together.

I just did the hardest thing in my life.... I dropped my ASL class.
I can't go on while this quarantine is going on, its impossible to have an online ASL class.

Once this thing is over, I will try again and do better.
I remember what I want to live for... and I am going to do everything in my power to achieve that wish of mine.

From now on, whenever I have a bad thought, I am going to my kitty, Tiki, and petting her. It will remind me why I am on Earth.




Bon nuit!

Peace