Renewal.

 Holy shit has it been a long time since I typed here.

Remember when I said I would type out my book? Ha! 

I don't think I would have a functioning brain to do it in simple steps.

My life changed. I mean, I got over my ex, I focused on myself, played games, met a community online, made friends, and found someone I liked.

It is now December.

I think I have my life in order, somewhat. Not as orderly as my clothes pile, but I know where everything is at the moment. 

I got a job, finally. After Sears I knew I needed some way of getting money for my loans. I have been paying them off, little by little. Each paycheck I get, goes towards my loans. There are other factors such as; gas, therapist, medication, phone bill, medical/dental, and helping pay for our house. 

If everything goes smoothly, by next year... a whole year, I should be 80% finished paying off the loans.

Then I can focus on myself some more! Continue learning Japanese and Sign Language, going to visit my friends, finding a better job, and playing games that I love.

Speaking of games, I got the official game of Our Story and I cannot wait to play it! I'm still wondering whether or not I should stream it, since its a story mode game. Other games I play usually have a goal or I just fight bad guys. I never know if people will like what I put out, but I keep playing because I love doing it. 

So, quick update, I guess; still going to my brothers for fam dindin on Tuesdays, seeing a lovely therapist every other Tuesday (over the phone), going to work Wed-Sun, playing or streaming Mon-Tues, and getting money while looking for other jobs. My job now sucks, the customers are rude as hell, I am not allowed to go overtime because my job doesn't wanna pay me more, but since there seems to be ticket losses throughout the day I might get longer hours.... I love my life so far.

I also found more witches to practice with and to ask questions. Got a stone to help with protection. Recently bought new bras because my old ones were starting to unravel. No really, they started to come undone. I also got new shoes!!! They are sketchers and I love them! 

I say, that I have accomplished a lot of things... looking back I feel good about myself.

Well, that's all.

Peace.

Hallucinations or Predictions?

 Last night I was not feeling well and I took some medicine that would help with my pain.

I had such a weird dream that it felt real. Like I was having hallucinations. 

I was older, happier, and I think I found a partner. I could never see them, so I don't know if I will marry a man or woman.

I was at a coffee shop and found a book... but once I opened it up, it took me to my memories.

It was a book that I wrote. I was very good and I was surprised that I got it published....

Now I am on my journey to write it.... so I think that from now on, I might use this to type out my book.....

 

Peace.

sleepover!

I forgot when, but I slept over one night at someone's place, but it was so hard to fall asleep.
The water fountain was dripping.
The air was on a low whistle.
And the light from somewhere was on, but it was bright blue.

I tossed and turned until I could get some sleep.
That's when a stupid boy try to wake me up.
He was bothering me so I kicked him... well I thought I only kicked him in my sleep, but I kinda jolted awake cause I actually kicked him.
Whoops!
Then I went back to sleep until the morning sun was shining in my face.

On another day, I had a squishy turd in my bed and she was in the way.
Just as I was about to fall asleep, she comes closer to me and starts snoring.
I had to kick her out of my room.

Then one of my friends came over to play games and he slept over.
Boy, I just can't seem-
I fell asleep right away.
I guess getting used to sleeping with others make it easier?
I still want a bigger bed though...

Remember the stupid boy in the first one?
Well Melissa said that he was sitting on the couch and sulking.
She said that he misses me.

Oh! I forgot to mention.... none of these were people.
They were all cute and not so cute kitties!!

Now, every night before bed, Khaleesi comes into my room and lays on my bed while I work on my computer.
Then right when I am about to go to bed, she falls asleep.

I miss having sleepovers at my friends apartment.
Or hanging out with them at bars.
Now, all I have for company is a bunch of cats. lol
I miss Kate, Gina, Ayanna, sometimes Peyton, and Carolynne.
They all made me laugh and gave me good memories.

I know Kate is stirring cause she doesn't have anything to do, while her husband still works from home. Gina is working for amazon, so that's cool! Ayanna is doing her thing in NY, and I miss her like crazy. Peyton is chillin' and giving me good advice on building my own PC. Carolynne misses Disneyworld and anything that had to do with her work, but I think she will go far. Maybe get a job out here and work for Disneyland! Then I could see her!!


I've realized that people come into my life for a reason.
Ayanna, Peyton, and Carolynne during university.
Kate and Gina during work.

Honestly? I wouldn't change a thing!
I miss them so much during this pandemic.
I still facetime and talk to them.
But I can't help but wonder what we would be doing right now, if the virus never happened.

LOL probably going out drinking and doing drugs.
Nah, we'd probably have a movie night and eat pasta/pizza/ice cream.

Anyway! I am so ready for this pandemic to be over and for stupid people to WEAR MASKS!!!
IT HELPS! ALSO TO STAY HOME AND NOT GO TO CROWDED PLACES!!!
Ugh, the stupid people include white americans, republicans, and those who voted for the orange face pedo in the white house.




Imma go now and eat my delicious food. Catch ya on the flip side!
Peace!

...mixed emotions

Today, June 8th, was such a day!!!
In this post, I will be typing about what events unraveled before me.

Early in the day I had to get my medication.
Drove up to place, put on my mask, and walked in.
The lady was so nice.
When she handed me my medication, I saw what "bonuses" were also given.

 So naturally, I thought my day was going swell.
I called my friend, mainly 'cause they wanted to get out, but also 'cause I promised to hang out.

I was tired, but I was also tired of being inside, so I picked them up.
We decided to get Starbucks... honestly, this is where it goes downhill.

Then we went to a hardware store, but during this lovely trip, we both got horrible stomachaches.
I think it was Lilith and the goddesses punishing me for being stupid, but it could've been the coffee.
I felt weak after going to the bathroom.
My friend noticed and got worried.
We soon left the store and went to go look for supplies somewhere else.
I found an Asian market and stopped by.
They didn't have what we were looking for, but I got some delicious snacks.
Honestly, I love Asian snacks.

Then we went home.
Once we were home, my friend got some medicine to help with our tummies.
It didn't help.
I went to the bathroom and I felt like I was dying.
I said a healing spell, but it only helped temporarily.
Hey man, I didn't have my tools with me, so I did a simple spell.
If I had a candle, moon water, and a full moon it would have worked better!
My friend was outside the door, worried, but I just wanted to be left alone.
Its embarrassing!!!

After that, I laid down on the bed and my friend asked if I wanted some soup with noodles.
I asked for just noodles.
They gave me a stern no.
I HAD to have the soup WITH the noodles.... that bastard.
Then when I saw the soup, it seemed appetizing.

My friend asked if I wanted to watch anything... they were taking care of me! How sweet :)
We put on Harley Quinn, the new animated show for adults.... no really only adults should watch it.
After a few eps, we decided to change it to 99... I love Amy!
Then near the end, I put on some calming music I found on youtube.

During this awful night, my friend soothed me and held my hand.
It felt nice.
It made me miss my mom.
She was always there whenever I got sick.
Even when I was abroad during school, I would call her.

But I am excited, because tomorrow I will be going to my brothers house for family dinner.
She is in her "Tree of Life" rosewood urn.
She looks beautiful.
I talk to her whenever I go over to my brothers.


Enough of this sad talk!
Update on Animal Crossing!
My friend got me some amiibos for my fav villagers.
Today Kabuki moved in!!
I was so excited when I called him to my campsite :)
Last time when I was over at my brothers, we showed Melissa what the game looked like, and the next day... or maybe it was the same day.... SHE BOUGHT IT!!!
Honestly, Capricorns don't surprise me anymore. -_-

That is what happened.
Hopefully everyone is doing better during this quarantine.




Peace. ;)

Bartender or FBI?

I found this course, FREE, about bartending.
I really want to try it out, because booze and bars won't go out of business.
Plus, it's easy! Well, for me it's easy.
It's like baking! But with alcohol, and you don't bake it, you just mix it. Sometimes.

Anyway, I'm going to finish the course and see how I did!

On another note, I want to be in the FBI.
I've thought about it since I was in high school. So that was a LONG time ago.
I still think about it and I found out that they have this program for graduates.
I am going to apply!
The worst that could happen would be a no. There is a 50/50 chance I will get accepted.
So why not try?

If none of these options work, then I can always become a writer, or interpreter, or a lawyer, or a NGO worker, or if all else fails... I could do something... different.

I have high hopes though.
Everything has gone smoothly.
I made it past age 15.
I graduated high school at 17.
I graduated college at 22.
I made new friends this year.
I went out with those friends on adventures.

Even though there has been a lot of death, sickness, and negativity since I was a child, I am still hopeful.

I learned how to cut my own hair.
I learned that I'm funny and friends love me. (from college and from work)
I learned that my body is normal, not fat.
I learned to say no.
I learned to remember the little things before they are gone.
I also learned a bunch of laws and shit for a degree lol.

But most importantly, I learned that people will come and go.
Some will like me and stay. Others will have an opinion and hate me. And then there are those who like me because of what I have... but they don't count because I said so. lol.

I got sidetracked while writing this... my bad... I was watching videos of BTS.
They also got a virtual concert coming up! Suppa psych'd!

Anyway, I am hopeful for my future!

There is literally no negativity in my life.
I hope other people live their lives to the fullest!
Don't hold onto such bad memories or problems.
Let everything go because tomorrow is literally a new day, you never know what is going to happen.

Also!!!! Soon will be my birthday!!!!
I don't know what I want really.
I love stickers.
Tattoos.
And I am starting to like alcohol.
Kate and Gina pushed that onto me.
I'm not mad. Gina is fun and gives off a good vibe. Kate is the mom friend, but she becomes the cool mom when we go out.
If only Peyton and Ayanna could see me now, they'd be so proud of me!!!

😭😭
I miss all of my friends.


At least I have discord, LoL, Animal Crossing, and Tiki!
All of these make me happy
😊



Peace!

Stories to Give

Everybody likes stories.
Especially ones that happened to them.
The joy in their eyes.
The happiness in their voice.
You can see how excited they are to tell someone and to have such an audience.

Grasping onto every word.
Living for that rush of the outcome.

It's like you were there.

Other times, people suck at telling them and it drains the fun out of the whole thing.

Well, do I have a good one to tell. Good, from my point of view.
It all happened so fast.
And yes, I did get approval to tell this story from the other person it relates to.


It was an ordinary day in quarantine.
I wanted to get out and go for a drive.
My friend wanted boba.
I asked if they were up for an adventure.

We headed out to Santa Monica beach.
Only, I forgot how or really what exit to use, so I kept on driving up towards Malibu.
Once I found a decent spot, I stopped, parked, put on my mask, and got out.
We were watching surfers in the water.
Waiting.
Sitting.
In the cold water.

I think we were there for quite a bit, but I started to get hungry, so we left the ocean.
We headed back home, when my friend found a place to get food.
We stopped in LA for a change and got burgers!!!
Mine was completely vegan. YUS
While he got one smothered with sauce.

We went back home, dropped off some stuff, and decided to see if anything was open.
A parking lot, somewhere, was open so we decided to head in there.

At that point, things were about to get freaky.
Just kidding.
My friend was putting some music on, so I could get in the mood.

We did what other ordinary people did.
Blocked off the rear window.
Blocked off the windshield.
And rolled down windows on my side.
Things were about to get steamy.

Just as we were done kissing and such, he told me to get in the backseat.
I know, what amateurs, we weren't in the back to begin with, oh well.

Just as soon as I jumped back there, I saw a flash of light behind my car.

"Oh shit," I said.
I hopped back in front.
Told my friend to pull his pants up and grabbed his food.
"That's supposed to be my cover." he said.
I thought, nah he got his phone on YouTube, that's his cover.

The security guy pulled his car next to mine.
I rolled down the window.
He said, "I'm closing the parking lot tonight."
"Oh! Okay, no problem." I rolled the window back up and giggled.
"He smiled, he knew," my friend said.
"No," I said doubtfully.

We decided to leave that area and head back home.
My friend decided we go back to another spot that we found when we did something similar.
Of course, that was a week ago, and I didn't know if they would close this area as well.
To my surprise, it was open.



At the end of the night, we laughed and talked about our day.
I talked about moving to another state, somewhere cheap, and buy a house.
My friend reminded me of our collective dreams.
"What about Japan?"
He was right.
I loved travelling when I was in college.
I also loved the idea of travelling with someone who has the same ambition.
There are people who travel, just to get to their destination, while others, like myself, travel to experience another world outside from the one I built in my head.

It felt amazing to travel to a different country.
But it felt exhilarating to travel with a companion!

When my best friend and I traveled to Scotland, it literally took my breath away.
We were both experiencing something new together.
It wasn't the same either!
We talked about things that stood out.
I'll never forget travelling with her.

So my friend telling me about our dream to go to Japan lit up my eyes.
"Your right!"
I smiled wide and hugged him.
I need to save up for that trip.
It means everything to me.


After our eventful day, we kissed and hugged goodbye.
He waved at me as I drove home....
Forever dreaming about my trip to Japan...

...someday





Peace.

Like every Sunday

Since it was mothers day... it was difficult.

I kept getting emails, ads, and reminders about the day.

My mother never wanted anything on this day.

She worked hard, didn't give in to luxuries, and didn't feel the need to do anything extravagant.
The only thing she did do was give an extraordinary experience.
We went on cruises! We traveled to different countries! We had people stay with us from all over the world!
Plus, she had a major shoe collection. 😂

My brother called and talked to my sister. She cried.
Then later he called me. We talked. I told him about my new glasses.
I am very happy and looking forward to getting them!!

My sister, her gf, and I went outside to play some frisbee. The cats decided to join. Khaleesi would just chase after it. Noom!
We had fun.
I then facetimed my friend, told him about today and he comforted me.
Told me to remember the things I did with her and such.
Bastard didn't know I was about to cry... I didn't.
Maybe a little.

I miss her. So much. I went legit crazy because she's gone. I got admitted because I really thought there was nothing left to live for.
How crazy? Hahaha..

She didn't understand that I had mental illnesses.
She didn't figure out why I acted a certain way.
She told me horrendous things about myself, but that was because she didn't know anything.

When she was on her bed, I watched her sanity fade, day by day.
I saw what the tumor was doing to her brain.
She would forget things.
She started to forget how to speak.
Breathe.
Swallow.
Blink.
She even forgot my name.

One thing she never forgot was how much she loved me.
The minute I entered the room, I saw it in her eyes, they lit up.
In her mind, she knew that she felt a certain way about me.
She never stopped loving me.
When she left our world, I felt somewhat proud of my accomplishments.

I got to show her my degree. I told her stories of my adventures studying abroad.
I told her about my friends from uni. I told her about my best friend.
In private, I thanked her for helping me during college. I hugged her and I told her that she helped me out so much. Even with everything that she was going through.
I even showed her how I drive. Haha... She helped me get over my fear of driving in the fast lane.

Now, I only drive fast. I have not a destination, but a place that I want to get to, before my time is up.

So, Happy Mothers Day!
To my mommy, I will achieve my dream.




Peace.

Thoughts

It is almost going to be a year now of me being clean.
Clean.
No mess.
No harm.
I'm not hurting myself anymore... although the thought comes to me, but I can't.

I don't have scars... even from the deep ones, they have faded.
I remember where I have been hurt, touched, grabbed, yet those moments have passed. But I still feel it inside my mind.

I never thought I would be a statistic.
I became one. I became many.
I was angry.

I can't believe I let things happen to me. Not once or twice... but multiple times.
They say you remember your mistakes. Yes. And that you learn from them. No.
I thought I knew how to get out of something, but I haven't been able to yet.
I see the signs, but I freeze. The voice in my head say, "Go or you will die"

I didn't want to end up dead. Another statistic.

Every time I think of how I let myself down, I want to grab my scissors.
I can't.
But who needs me?
I don't have a mother. I don't have a partner. My siblings don't need me, they have partners. And all of my grandparents are dead, except my abuelita. She's in Colombia. Both sides of my family has fallen apart and angry at each other. I just started to make friends... but they too have partners and their own life. And I am currently out of work. What am I supposed to do?

Wouldn't it be easier to... die?

I thought so.
I tried.
Also on multiple occasions.

I'm slowly falling apart. I am tired of trying to put the pieces back together.

I just did the hardest thing in my life.... I dropped my ASL class.
I can't go on while this quarantine is going on, its impossible to have an online ASL class.

Once this thing is over, I will try again and do better.
I remember what I want to live for... and I am going to do everything in my power to achieve that wish of mine.

From now on, whenever I have a bad thought, I am going to my kitty, Tiki, and petting her. It will remind me why I am on Earth.




Bon nuit!

Peace

Meds

I either have a spirit looking over me, or I am getting better at taking myself out of my dissociative trance.

Have you ever done it so hard that you forgot that you were on the toilet for almost an hour?

Did it ever go on forever that you forgot that it was the ceiling you were staring at?

I got so lost once that I almost forgot why I was on the train.
I was on the train with a friend too.

Sometimes at night, I might go for a few hours before I sleep to take my meds. Its always before I go to sleep. You see, thats bad. I forgot to take them until its almost too late.

I have that lost look on my face, I'm too deep into my own head that I forget that someone was pounding on the door for the single bathroom at a coffee shop.

Tonight I almost went crazy, literally.

I take meds that make me stop thinking in a certain way. Basically to numb the crazy in my brain.

I will admit that I am curious as to why my ex is talking with his ex.
He told me that she had said she misses him and loves him.

For some reason that bothers me, but I don't know why.

I feel secure in being individual and single.

I don't want my ex back.

But there is something that keeps crawling behind my head... a single thought.

She's a whore and you gave her a good time.  I want to scream at him.

Yes, I know, that word is harsh. Yes, I don't know her personally, but she has inserted herself into my life that I am not guilty in saying it.

I also wanna scream.... to her... HE CHEATED ON YOU WITH ME! WE HAD SEX! AND HE LIKED IT THAT HE ASKED FOR MORE.

They were long distance, phone, facetime, skype, text, and call type of shit. I ain't even mad he fucked me, I had no feelings.

This fucker said, "I miss you."
I felt nothing, sorry you man slut. I moved on.

Anyway, they "broke" up, but I doubt it. They still communicate. Her friend... I think, cuz idk... sent me a message on Instagram saying he and I deserve each other cuz WE are both cheaters.... like huh? I ain't cheat on no one! This person also said that I hurt my boyfriend... but like I never had one?

So this story is just so funny... I legit laughed, reported, and blocked the person.

Also, I am so thankful to her.. I'll shout her out... Katelynn!!! Thank you for looking at my tik toks!! You gave me views, even though you're a hater. I thrive on people looking at my content. SO thank you for that sweetheart.

With all of that out on the table, I just wanna say...  I ain't looking to get back with my ex, nor am I trying to get with a man... Like excuse me, but men are trash.
I'm tryna find myself a cutie with a booty. A loving girlfriend.

Also... I love this part, but honey... I saw your texts with him and he called you fucking dumb and crazy... Like HE showed me the phone and he would rant to me about you girl.

Anywhoooo…. I took my meds, that's what this was about. I am in bed, typing this cuz why not?

She ain't neva gonna see this, unless she clicked my links.... in that case...

What up girl? When you're of age, give me a call and we can go for drinks!!

oh yeah, thats right people, she ain't even 21... and my ex, who is older, dated her. EW GROSS.

But oh well. He told me that he ain't neva gonna do long distance relationships again.

Imma keep on living my life, doing tik toks, making content, and being free without worrying about someone.

Bye loves!

Peace

Life As of Now

So quarantine is getting to everybody and I feel bad.
Now everyone will be living like me.
Secluded, withdrawn, and tired all the time.

But I do feel hope.
I have been doing okay.

I wake up, go to my sisters room, play animal crossing for hours, and then go to my room to watch anime.

Its a pretty basic day.

I shower everyday, but I wear jammies. Since I can't go anywhere.

I talk to my friends and ask how they are doing from time to time.
Some are going for walks, others are baking, and the usual are binge watching shows they kept on hold.

I try to go outside and sit in my driveway to et some sun, but lately the clouds are rolling in.

Its gloomy and wet. Dull and dark. I just want sun and birds now.
But as the days progress, so does my little town in my switch ^-^

I am happy as far as that goes.


Hope you all are doing okay.



Peace

Clarity and familiarity

Remember how I said I'll come back to this?

Well... my life got worse after September and I had to shut down for a while.

The holidays were rough and dull. I wasn't myself for a few months. I wanted to scream and yell out all of my insecurities. There was a part of me that wanted to end it all... and for a while, I almost did.

My life went downhill after October. I went to a mental hospital care unit. It was wild, but very enlightening. That whole experience told me that I wasn't the most crazy in the world.

I finally got a job in January, but the store closed on March 15th. I am still working, mainly just throwing out left over trash and unsold items.
I made new friends at work too!
Kate (a different one), Rachel, and Gina.
I also made a new guy friend named Kenny. He is really sweet, but such a dumbass.

I went out with the 3 girls and had drinks, that was fun and I want to do it again.
Gina is the cool and chill one.
Kate is like the mom of the group, but when we go out, she is like the cool mom.
Rachel is like the older, wilder sister of the group. She is something else.

Kenny is a man that I met and we got along well. Somewhere in that story, let's say I am no longer unfamiliar with myself.

Gina was telling a story about how you have to go through some jerks to figure out your worth.
For me, it was 2 girlfriends, 2 boyfriends, and 1 friend that I made out with from time to time.
Anyway, it was something that Kenny said to me that made me realize that I have been loving and dating all the wrong people.

I finally know my worth. I finally know what I want out of life and in a partner. And yeah it sucks that I had to go through a bunch of cheaters to fucking figure that out, but I did.
I am both happy and sad because I don't think finding this person will be easy.

If I do, hopefully one day they will love me as much as I love them and never leave me. I wish that once I find this person, they won't think I'm nothing and leave me for someone else, because honestly? That shit hurts.

Those who were loyal in the relationship usually stay single, while the bored ones move on quickly not thinking about the others feelings for a second. And that hurts like a bitch.


It's okay. I have new meds, I have new friends, and I still have Tiki by my side.
So I think I am good right now.
I think I will be fine.
And I'm okay on being single.

I know what I want. And it's not a jerk.




Peace. ✌