I haven't been on here in a while because my life was actually doing okay for once.
Then I fucked it up by trying.
I actually tried this time.
I was going to fly back home and surprise him for a week! I went and told his mother of this surprise and you know what happened? Well, my heart broke from what was left of the damage and I started to cry. No, that is an understatement.
I broke down and sat on my bed, staring at my computer while tears were rushing down my face. I open my mouth to breathe and I keep hearing a "Bling". The noise from the computer when someone is messaging you.
I just sat there and read everything she was telling. She was leaving to a different state for her birthday, for a week. The same week as my break. The same week I was coming back. The same week I was going to fix this. The same week I was going to be with him. The same week I was going to do everything in my power to show him I care. THE SAME FUCKING WEEK THAT I HAD TO BEG MY MOM TOO LET ME COME HOME!! It's hard to ask my mother for things. She thinks of it as, "Do I want it? Or do I need it?"
I needed it.
No, it's not his mother's fault. She didn't know. Her friend invited her for her birthday and that was her present. No it wasn't his fault either for not telling me, because why? Why would I want to know of someone else's plans that didn't evolve me? There's no reason to, that's why.
it was all my fault.
I tried and I failed.
My one attempt to show my boyfriend that I truly care about him and this relationship. To show that I was willing to actually ask my mom and go against her wishes. To actually do a brave thing for myself and make a decision. TO TRY AND LET HIM SEE MY EFFORT.
but again, I failed.
The mother asked me, "Why didn't you tell me?"
I could've asked the same thing, "Why didn't you tell me you were going to a different state?"
But it doesn't matter, I didn't think she needed to know, it was supposed to be a surprise.
I went to my friend, tears now all over the floor, my shirt, and staining my face. I told her what happened. I told her that I put a lot of thought into it and said, "Fuck it! If he's going to be mad, then I'm going back home to fix it."
But...that's not what happened.
Maybe we are supposed to have space. Maybe I'm not supposed to see him until my Christmas break.
Now I'm just sitting here thinking on what I should do. Should I go back home? Should I go visit NY with my friend? Should I just stay at school? Should I go on a cruise?
I know that when I do decide on where I'm going, I have another job to do.
I'm going to wait. For him.
I won't talk to him or message him. He needs space.
He needs time to think. I understand that.
There's one thing I do hope for.....that he remembers me.
His mother told me that when I'm more mature, I'll realize that I cared for things that didn't need to be cared about.
But I feel that when I don't care about things, I don't love the things. That I don't have strong feelings for them. Then I feel when I care less, I'll become heartless.
I don't want to become heartless.
How can you not care about something, but also not become heartless in the process?
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Fucking up, but with a friend
Sometimes people don't understand what everyone is going through, so we might end up saying something we weren't supposed to.
Take me, for instance, I say a lot of stupid shit, and I know it, but when I don't know what one of my friends is going through....well, it's not all on me.
Yeah, I wish I could read minds, but sadly I'm not cool.
One of my friends is going through aa rough patch. I have one through many in my life. He lost someone dear to him and I was being a straight up asshole, without knowing it.
I'd like to think that I'm changing or even better, making my ways a positive compass through life.
I don't know what I just said, but I'm trying to say that I am trying my best to better myself.
See ya!
Take me, for instance, I say a lot of stupid shit, and I know it, but when I don't know what one of my friends is going through....well, it's not all on me.
Yeah, I wish I could read minds, but sadly I'm not cool.
One of my friends is going through aa rough patch. I have one through many in my life. He lost someone dear to him and I was being a straight up asshole, without knowing it.
I'd like to think that I'm changing or even better, making my ways a positive compass through life.
I don't know what I just said, but I'm trying to say that I am trying my best to better myself.
See ya!
Monday, May 16, 2016
Don't Reread Old Messages
Don't do that.
You will either see something that warms your heart, or something that reminds you how shit a person you were to your partner.
I, sadly, saw both things.
Many close people have said other things about him that kind of bugs me.
"He is just playing with you."
"He knows what he's doing."
"You don't think he knows how badly he is treating you?"
"I don't want you to settle."
"I think you should wait until you go back home and see how you feel then."
"It's your first relationship, you should try and date more people!"
That is what bugs me. That last one.
They all do, but the last one really hit me hard.
I know the person who said it and I know they are older, shit all of these people I know are older by a year or more. But what I don't understand is why they don't ask me about my side. They just turn into "protectors" and only see him as bad.
Yeah, we're all bad and good. I'm probably the worst.
And that's what I'm here today to talk about.
Me, my mind, and others.
Long ago, I figured out who I am. Now, I'm struggling to fix a lot of broken pieces. I started the process of seeing the problem, now I just need to solve it.
Sometimes, I think I have the answer, but months go by and I look back to only see that the glue is just a temporary fix to the crack in myself. I need to finish this. I need to use real tools and nail the two wood pieces together.
A lot of metaphor, but that's how I communicate.
I also communicate in horrible, lame, inappropriate humour.
People are right, I can't just fix it over night. And I feel like he should know that too. Yeah, I slip up a lot, but I still see those mistakes and save them in my mind. Most importantly I need to be aware of what I say, mostly to him.
I also, need to remember that only my cat or my thousands of docs saved on my computer should be the only place I can tell the bad things. I shouldn't tell others how bad my relationship is going, because they'll want to have their own say. And I don't need that added to my pile of things to stress over.
I also need to listen to myself? I say it as a question because I am gullible, I am a huge pushover, and I am very easy to manipulate. I guess I just need to be careful of everything. Treat this first relationship how mothers treat their first born. I also need to bring my heart back into the picture. I have become a very heartless person and that's really bad in a relationship when you always fuck up simple conversations with your partner.
I need my happiness back.
I need color in my life.
I need....myself again.
I need to start doing things properly instead of saying sorry and not fixing the problem.
I do need someone to love, but I also need to love them back.
I can't be selfish anymore.
I really need control in my life. I did have many controls in my life, some were good controls, and one was a really bad control that I'm not proud of.
Yeah, that bout sums it up
Bye
❤️
You will either see something that warms your heart, or something that reminds you how shit a person you were to your partner.
I, sadly, saw both things.
Many close people have said other things about him that kind of bugs me.
"He is just playing with you."
"He knows what he's doing."
"You don't think he knows how badly he is treating you?"
"I don't want you to settle."
"I think you should wait until you go back home and see how you feel then."
"It's your first relationship, you should try and date more people!"
That is what bugs me. That last one.
They all do, but the last one really hit me hard.
I know the person who said it and I know they are older, shit all of these people I know are older by a year or more. But what I don't understand is why they don't ask me about my side. They just turn into "protectors" and only see him as bad.
Yeah, we're all bad and good. I'm probably the worst.
And that's what I'm here today to talk about.
Me, my mind, and others.
Long ago, I figured out who I am. Now, I'm struggling to fix a lot of broken pieces. I started the process of seeing the problem, now I just need to solve it.
Sometimes, I think I have the answer, but months go by and I look back to only see that the glue is just a temporary fix to the crack in myself. I need to finish this. I need to use real tools and nail the two wood pieces together.
A lot of metaphor, but that's how I communicate.
I also communicate in horrible, lame, inappropriate humour.
People are right, I can't just fix it over night. And I feel like he should know that too. Yeah, I slip up a lot, but I still see those mistakes and save them in my mind. Most importantly I need to be aware of what I say, mostly to him.
I also, need to remember that only my cat or my thousands of docs saved on my computer should be the only place I can tell the bad things. I shouldn't tell others how bad my relationship is going, because they'll want to have their own say. And I don't need that added to my pile of things to stress over.
I also need to listen to myself? I say it as a question because I am gullible, I am a huge pushover, and I am very easy to manipulate. I guess I just need to be careful of everything. Treat this first relationship how mothers treat their first born. I also need to bring my heart back into the picture. I have become a very heartless person and that's really bad in a relationship when you always fuck up simple conversations with your partner.
I need my happiness back.
I need color in my life.
I need....myself again.
I need to start doing things properly instead of saying sorry and not fixing the problem.
I do need someone to love, but I also need to love them back.
I can't be selfish anymore.
I really need control in my life. I did have many controls in my life, some were good controls, and one was a really bad control that I'm not proud of.
Yeah, that bout sums it up
Bye
❤️
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Life Support
So, sorry about my last post. I am okay, but people out there in the world probably don't care.
Anyway, when I love someone, I tend to be confused on everything I do. I fear that I'm messing up, even the little tasks. I fear that I'm not doing well in my relationship. Why? This question, I can answer. I have a huge fear of the unknown. Usually everything in general that I have no knowledge about. So, of course, I'm scared of my part in the relationship because I have never been in a relationship and I have no idea how to handle one.
But I am getting there, I think. I hope. I just need to observe or do research. I don't know, something!!
It's like having equal attraction plus giving your endless love and caring abilities to the other person. Right? And always being there, no matter what! I can do that. And there's another thing too...uh... be yourself? Yeah.
Maybe I am overthinking this. Someone once told me, many moons ago, that a relationship is a next level best friend, with kissing and occasional sex involved. I never had a best friend before either!! I had one when I was 5, but that soon disappeared. I just got a couple of friends last year when I started college, so yeah. Man, I've been alone for most of my life. Wait! I guess my sister is considered my best friend, but even then we don't really tell each other everything. Ugh!!! This is hard. I guess I just have to...WING IT!!
Well, it's about that time...this week my sister is coming to join me for traveling around Europe.
Right now, I don't feel like writing anymore. I've had this feeling before. I'm just not feeling well. I don't know when I'll be able to go back on the computer for the internet. I will use it for music or for Netflix, if it has something I haven't seen.
But for now, I'll be gone.
Bye
❤
Anyway, when I love someone, I tend to be confused on everything I do. I fear that I'm messing up, even the little tasks. I fear that I'm not doing well in my relationship. Why? This question, I can answer. I have a huge fear of the unknown. Usually everything in general that I have no knowledge about. So, of course, I'm scared of my part in the relationship because I have never been in a relationship and I have no idea how to handle one.
But I am getting there, I think. I hope. I just need to observe or do research. I don't know, something!!
It's like having equal attraction plus giving your endless love and caring abilities to the other person. Right? And always being there, no matter what! I can do that. And there's another thing too...uh... be yourself? Yeah.
Maybe I am overthinking this. Someone once told me, many moons ago, that a relationship is a next level best friend, with kissing and occasional sex involved. I never had a best friend before either!! I had one when I was 5, but that soon disappeared. I just got a couple of friends last year when I started college, so yeah. Man, I've been alone for most of my life. Wait! I guess my sister is considered my best friend, but even then we don't really tell each other everything. Ugh!!! This is hard. I guess I just have to...WING IT!!
Well, it's about that time...this week my sister is coming to join me for traveling around Europe.
Right now, I don't feel like writing anymore. I've had this feeling before. I'm just not feeling well. I don't know when I'll be able to go back on the computer for the internet. I will use it for music or for Netflix, if it has something I haven't seen.
But for now, I'll be gone.
Bye
❤
Friday, April 15, 2016
my happiness
if you knew me, which you probably do, I write in lower case when I'm sad.
besides the "I" and such, everything else is lower.
I miss you. I love you. when will you talk to me? will it be when I come back?
I'm tired more than I should be because I'm waiting for you to respond or to even say "hi".
am I crazy? should I stop waiting? I just want to know if I should stop so I could continue without the thought of you being upset at me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I wrote that, up there, last night. Now that I went to bed, had the greatest sleep ever, thanks to some pills, I went through my day. I still feel sad, but it's not as big. I still feel guilty, which I probably shouldn't, but I do. I feel like it's all my fault, which again, I shouldn't do. Jerk. Sorry, that was uncalled for. But what was more uncalled for...you just completely ignoring me. Nah, man. You just can't do that. If we need to do that "pause" thing again, just tell me. I'd be happy to do anything for you. Anything that would make you feel less irritated, stressed, or unhappy even.
If you are doing that, then I guess it's until I come back home, right? Is that right? Did I answer that correctly? Please, tell me, because I would love to know things. Ya know? I'm not a fucking mind reader. If this "pause" thing is effective immediately, then that's a while month. And you don't know how strong my silent game is. Actually, it's a tad weak, but soon enough, it will be stronger than ever.
When I was little, I would try to be mute so my mom wouldn't get mad, but it made her angrier. Is that what you might do? Huh, baby?!? Tell me. Please.
I can go on, acting like you. I can. I can manipulate my mind in telling me to be someone different. All I have to do is think of a character and be that person. Let's see. Which one of my characters is a ruthless, emotionless, rebellious, little fucker, and someone that does whatever she wants??? Oh yeah, you're dating a writer, so be prepared. Be prepared MOTHER FUCKER!!
Here comes Agent G.C. I made her when writing a superhero short story. She even has her own wardrobe on my Polyvore account. She wears leather, all black, and carries a M1911 black pistol. She is an agent of course, but she did go rogue, so I'd be careful.
Of course, I don't have a gun, haha... I just need to think like her.
Have fun baby, with the silence and all.
I love you
❤
besides the "I" and such, everything else is lower.
I miss you. I love you. when will you talk to me? will it be when I come back?
I'm tired more than I should be because I'm waiting for you to respond or to even say "hi".
am I crazy? should I stop waiting? I just want to know if I should stop so I could continue without the thought of you being upset at me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I wrote that, up there, last night. Now that I went to bed, had the greatest sleep ever, thanks to some pills, I went through my day. I still feel sad, but it's not as big. I still feel guilty, which I probably shouldn't, but I do. I feel like it's all my fault, which again, I shouldn't do. Jerk. Sorry, that was uncalled for. But what was more uncalled for...you just completely ignoring me. Nah, man. You just can't do that. If we need to do that "pause" thing again, just tell me. I'd be happy to do anything for you. Anything that would make you feel less irritated, stressed, or unhappy even.
If you are doing that, then I guess it's until I come back home, right? Is that right? Did I answer that correctly? Please, tell me, because I would love to know things. Ya know? I'm not a fucking mind reader. If this "pause" thing is effective immediately, then that's a while month. And you don't know how strong my silent game is. Actually, it's a tad weak, but soon enough, it will be stronger than ever.
When I was little, I would try to be mute so my mom wouldn't get mad, but it made her angrier. Is that what you might do? Huh, baby?!? Tell me. Please.
I can go on, acting like you. I can. I can manipulate my mind in telling me to be someone different. All I have to do is think of a character and be that person. Let's see. Which one of my characters is a ruthless, emotionless, rebellious, little fucker, and someone that does whatever she wants??? Oh yeah, you're dating a writer, so be prepared. Be prepared MOTHER FUCKER!!
Here comes Agent G.C. I made her when writing a superhero short story. She even has her own wardrobe on my Polyvore account. She wears leather, all black, and carries a M1911 black pistol. She is an agent of course, but she did go rogue, so I'd be careful.
Of course, I don't have a gun, haha... I just need to think like her.
Have fun baby, with the silence and all.
I love you
❤
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Touched and bruised
When you're sexually assaulted, it makes you feel different.
I was shaking.
I felt like it was my fault.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see him.
I can feel his lips and tongue.
I remember where he put his hands.
My neck hurts.
I can see and feel everything from that night.
And it won't go away.
I can't get rid of the memory of the guy forcing and holding me against a wall.
I can't shake the thought, because there is evidence.
Its on my body.
Its stuck in my mind.
I have been crying every night, feeling dirty and numb. I have been seeing more nightmares than dreams. I am scared. I just want to go back home, I don't want to be away at school anymore.
I don't want to go out anymore.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
❤
I was shaking.
I felt like it was my fault.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see him.
I can feel his lips and tongue.
I remember where he put his hands.
My neck hurts.
I can see and feel everything from that night.
And it won't go away.
I can't get rid of the memory of the guy forcing and holding me against a wall.
I can't shake the thought, because there is evidence.
Its on my body.
Its stuck in my mind.
I have been crying every night, feeling dirty and numb. I have been seeing more nightmares than dreams. I am scared. I just want to go back home, I don't want to be away at school anymore.
I don't want to go out anymore.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
❤
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Finals and Stress
A how-to guide by me on surviving college exam week and controlling your stress.
How to study 20+ chapters on Personality Theory in two weeks or less:
1. Look through the notes and high light main focus points
-or just high light everything because you're very worried
2. Read the focus points out loud, but to yourself
-you don't want to wake your roommate
3. Take a two to five hour break
-stress some more because you just wasted time doing nothing but watch YouTube videos
4. Study again until you see the sun rise
-remember to get out of your room to eat
5. Rinse and repeat
-also, somewhere along the lines, don't forget to shower
I've done this before, and I was successful for some classes. I always tell myself that I'll do better, but I never really do.
Just remember to breathe and to drink water. If you stress, you must balance things out by having good skin. Also, get out for a few minutes each day and let the sun touch your skin.
Also, you should study a little bit each day so you can study in your mind to drown out certain people in your classes because you've had enough of them. Basically you 've had enough of everything and everyone and you just want to go back home.
I just want summer to come along so I can work!!! I want summer to come along so I won't have a need to strangle my roommate. I also want summer to come along so I can actually do something for my birthday. I want summer to be here because I'm going to be a flower girl in my brother's wedding!! I'm finally going to a wedding, how exciting for me.
It's quite funny how you can zone out and not hear someone talk. Once they open their mouth, you don't hear a word they say. It's quite a gift I picked up on. I'm doing it right now.
Well, I hope everyone else is having a pleasant month.
❤
How to study 20+ chapters on Personality Theory in two weeks or less:
1. Look through the notes and high light main focus points
-or just high light everything because you're very worried
2. Read the focus points out loud, but to yourself
-you don't want to wake your roommate
3. Take a two to five hour break
-stress some more because you just wasted time doing nothing but watch YouTube videos
4. Study again until you see the sun rise
-remember to get out of your room to eat
5. Rinse and repeat
-also, somewhere along the lines, don't forget to shower
I've done this before, and I was successful for some classes. I always tell myself that I'll do better, but I never really do.
Just remember to breathe and to drink water. If you stress, you must balance things out by having good skin. Also, get out for a few minutes each day and let the sun touch your skin.
Also, you should study a little bit each day so you can study in your mind to drown out certain people in your classes because you've had enough of them. Basically you 've had enough of everything and everyone and you just want to go back home.
I just want summer to come along so I can work!!! I want summer to come along so I won't have a need to strangle my roommate. I also want summer to come along so I can actually do something for my birthday. I want summer to be here because I'm going to be a flower girl in my brother's wedding!! I'm finally going to a wedding, how exciting for me.
It's quite funny how you can zone out and not hear someone talk. Once they open their mouth, you don't hear a word they say. It's quite a gift I picked up on. I'm doing it right now.
Well, I hope everyone else is having a pleasant month.
❤
Monday, April 4, 2016
The Butterfly Effect
Some may say that the butterfly effect is negative when they use the phrase.
In this instance, it is quite the opposite. When I'm happy, I spread it and make other people happy. When I'm in any other mood, and people try to change it, it affects them in a bad way. They lose their happiness and gain annoyance.
I realized that when I do things myself like get out of the dorm room and go to Tesco or just down the street to a tiny park, I get happy. Just a few days ago I found a cute little street and a tiny park nearby. I stopped in the park thinking I should take a break from walking and doing things just to get them over with. I sat on a bench and thoughts came flooding and they were peaceful ones too. I just sat there looking around the park and up at the sky. I closed my eyes and breathed.
I think getting out and going to a park helped with my sleep. I wasn't feeling to hot the other week, I wanted to do so much, but had little energy to do so.
When I sat there on the bench, I thought, "I need to slow down."
I really needed a break from everything. My head was hurting with due dates and timelines of projects and events. It was overwhelming.
I am so glad that I figured out what made me happy and why I was such in rut. Also, listening to reggaeton makes me tired for some reason. I'm listening to some now and I'm trying to stay awake, but if I'm up and dancing to it instead of sitting, that is a whole other story. In about 24 days, my sister is coming over to travel with me around Europe.
We have a hotel for one night in London and then after that, we are visiting 9 cities over the course of 20 days. This is going to be so fun!! We'll get to see old friends and see how much they have grown, especially a young lad named Geoffrey. When I first met him, I had a tiny crush on him.
Well, here's to a fun adventure!!
❤
In this instance, it is quite the opposite. When I'm happy, I spread it and make other people happy. When I'm in any other mood, and people try to change it, it affects them in a bad way. They lose their happiness and gain annoyance.
I realized that when I do things myself like get out of the dorm room and go to Tesco or just down the street to a tiny park, I get happy. Just a few days ago I found a cute little street and a tiny park nearby. I stopped in the park thinking I should take a break from walking and doing things just to get them over with. I sat on a bench and thoughts came flooding and they were peaceful ones too. I just sat there looking around the park and up at the sky. I closed my eyes and breathed.
I think getting out and going to a park helped with my sleep. I wasn't feeling to hot the other week, I wanted to do so much, but had little energy to do so.
When I sat there on the bench, I thought, "I need to slow down."
I really needed a break from everything. My head was hurting with due dates and timelines of projects and events. It was overwhelming.
I am so glad that I figured out what made me happy and why I was such in rut. Also, listening to reggaeton makes me tired for some reason. I'm listening to some now and I'm trying to stay awake, but if I'm up and dancing to it instead of sitting, that is a whole other story. In about 24 days, my sister is coming over to travel with me around Europe.
We have a hotel for one night in London and then after that, we are visiting 9 cities over the course of 20 days. This is going to be so fun!! We'll get to see old friends and see how much they have grown, especially a young lad named Geoffrey. When I first met him, I had a tiny crush on him.
Well, here's to a fun adventure!!
❤
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Where traditions end
If you're like me, college is where your holiday traditions stop being traditions. You and your siblings are all grown up. Both sides of the family aren't really keeping in touch. And you're away 5,000 miles for school.
No more of Grandma's hot dish at Halloween.
No more Thanksgiving shenanigans of who is supposed to say grace.
No more gathering on Christmas night with the family.
No more complex, but fun, Easter egg hunts.
No more birthday celebrations.
No more childhood life and/or home.
That's all gone. You grew up. You left home. You left your past behind, but not your past self.
She's still waiting at her grandparents house, sitting on the porch swing, dangling her feet, and quietly humming. Still wondering when everyone is going to come back.
That's when you know your family traditions end.
❤
No more of Grandma's hot dish at Halloween.
No more Thanksgiving shenanigans of who is supposed to say grace.
No more gathering on Christmas night with the family.
No more complex, but fun, Easter egg hunts.
No more birthday celebrations.
No more childhood life and/or home.
That's all gone. You grew up. You left home. You left your past behind, but not your past self.
She's still waiting at her grandparents house, sitting on the porch swing, dangling her feet, and quietly humming. Still wondering when everyone is going to come back.
That's when you know your family traditions end.
❤
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Shortbread and Orange Juice
I don't know why I'm writing this, but it's a little substitute for therapy.
In psych today we are learning about the types of intelligence. Apparently, I am interpersonal, but the more I learn about the others, the more I feel like I'm all. I'm just little bits and pieces of them all.
On another note, what do you do if you have a friend who is wealthy and asks you to take you to a movie and then shopping with 600 quid? I mean, I would love to go to the movies, free movie, but the shopping? I'd rather use that money to ship clothes that I didn't use back home. I don't know how much shipping costs. Plus, I wouldn't know what to do if my boyfriend even did this. I would accept the movie thing, but 600 quid?? That's a little too much. In American dollars, that's like $800. No way am I accepting that!! I'd rather we use that money for trips, not clothes.
So, should I accept it? Because I really don't know what to do with that.
I'll wait a couple days. I'll get back to my friend then.
Also, if you have a partner and you give them something and they say, "You really didn't have to get this. Please don't buy anything else for me." Then you should listen....or not. I don't know. I don't like it when people get me things. It seems like an awkward Christmas for me. I say thanks, but to be honest, I'm like a single woman asked to hold a baby. WTF do I do with this?
Anyway, I'm just sitting here on the floor on the third level outside my Spanish class waiting for it to start. While I am waiting, I'm listening to reggaeton. Someone shoulda told me about this a long time ago, nah, I shoulda asked my family every time we had a Colombian reunion. To be honest, I kinda wished I grew up with my dad's side more than my mom's side.
Bye Lovelies!!
❤
In psych today we are learning about the types of intelligence. Apparently, I am interpersonal, but the more I learn about the others, the more I feel like I'm all. I'm just little bits and pieces of them all.
On another note, what do you do if you have a friend who is wealthy and asks you to take you to a movie and then shopping with 600 quid? I mean, I would love to go to the movies, free movie, but the shopping? I'd rather use that money to ship clothes that I didn't use back home. I don't know how much shipping costs. Plus, I wouldn't know what to do if my boyfriend even did this. I would accept the movie thing, but 600 quid?? That's a little too much. In American dollars, that's like $800. No way am I accepting that!! I'd rather we use that money for trips, not clothes.
So, should I accept it? Because I really don't know what to do with that.
I'll wait a couple days. I'll get back to my friend then.
Also, if you have a partner and you give them something and they say, "You really didn't have to get this. Please don't buy anything else for me." Then you should listen....or not. I don't know. I don't like it when people get me things. It seems like an awkward Christmas for me. I say thanks, but to be honest, I'm like a single woman asked to hold a baby. WTF do I do with this?
Anyway, I'm just sitting here on the floor on the third level outside my Spanish class waiting for it to start. While I am waiting, I'm listening to reggaeton. Someone shoulda told me about this a long time ago, nah, I shoulda asked my family every time we had a Colombian reunion. To be honest, I kinda wished I grew up with my dad's side more than my mom's side.
Bye Lovelies!!
❤
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Music
I'm in a very happy mood when I listen to music.
Or when I see something funny and can't stop laughing.
Mainly music, because it's easier to access.
I wonder if I ever made a post about music before? I know that I wrote about it before, but I don't know where. I remember talking about I can see the beats in my head. The beat of the drum. The lingering of the string instrument. I can see music flow, it's crazy. I can also imagine numbers in thin air. I thinks that's how I could do math so fast. And when people talk I can see the words in my mind when I can't see them. For example, when I talk on the phone, when there are stray conversations I hear, or mainly when I don't pay attention in class.
Other times I get distracted by the voice, so I completely don't see what they are saying, instead I see the lines flow from their voice. It's quite bad when I'm talking to my boyfriend. I'll miss so many things just because I'm focusing on his voice and not on his words. That gets me into trouble a lot.
I also feel the emotion when people sing. Quite cheesy and possibly corny, but it's true. When it's live, it's more intense. I once went to a One Direction concert and the vibe was off. Louis seemed a bit ticked off or upset when he stepped onto the stage, the other guys noticed it, but didn't show it quite like Louis did.
Anyway, I was going somewhere with this....Oh! Yeah, my happy mood. It can change when I instantly listen to music. I once fell asleep in my bed listening to music, trying to calm myself down. It was The Wave. If some of you know what station that is, haha, you loser. If you don't, good, it will draw you in and won't let you leave. Fun fact: I started the saxophone when I listened to it on the radio a lot. I thought it was a cool sound. I didn't like being forced into it though, that and the bullying, but it was fun while it lasted. I can still sorta read music, but it's slow. Same with piano. I have no clue what keys I'm playing, but I can do it by ear or by looking at people touching certain keys. My grandma taught me some songs on the piano, I practiced a lot. It made my grandparents go crazy, mostly my uncle. Maybe that's why he was always outside. I miss those times.
If something makes you happy, hold onto that. Don't ever let anyone else stomp on your happiness.
❤
Or when I see something funny and can't stop laughing.
Mainly music, because it's easier to access.
I wonder if I ever made a post about music before? I know that I wrote about it before, but I don't know where. I remember talking about I can see the beats in my head. The beat of the drum. The lingering of the string instrument. I can see music flow, it's crazy. I can also imagine numbers in thin air. I thinks that's how I could do math so fast. And when people talk I can see the words in my mind when I can't see them. For example, when I talk on the phone, when there are stray conversations I hear, or mainly when I don't pay attention in class.
Other times I get distracted by the voice, so I completely don't see what they are saying, instead I see the lines flow from their voice. It's quite bad when I'm talking to my boyfriend. I'll miss so many things just because I'm focusing on his voice and not on his words. That gets me into trouble a lot.
I also feel the emotion when people sing. Quite cheesy and possibly corny, but it's true. When it's live, it's more intense. I once went to a One Direction concert and the vibe was off. Louis seemed a bit ticked off or upset when he stepped onto the stage, the other guys noticed it, but didn't show it quite like Louis did.
Anyway, I was going somewhere with this....Oh! Yeah, my happy mood. It can change when I instantly listen to music. I once fell asleep in my bed listening to music, trying to calm myself down. It was The Wave. If some of you know what station that is, haha, you loser. If you don't, good, it will draw you in and won't let you leave. Fun fact: I started the saxophone when I listened to it on the radio a lot. I thought it was a cool sound. I didn't like being forced into it though, that and the bullying, but it was fun while it lasted. I can still sorta read music, but it's slow. Same with piano. I have no clue what keys I'm playing, but I can do it by ear or by looking at people touching certain keys. My grandma taught me some songs on the piano, I practiced a lot. It made my grandparents go crazy, mostly my uncle. Maybe that's why he was always outside. I miss those times.
If something makes you happy, hold onto that. Don't ever let anyone else stomp on your happiness.
❤
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Mystery
I like puzzles. I like games. I like giving people puzzles to solve. I love putting pieces together. I once did a puzzle in my college library. It was a beautiful house with a beautiful garden.
I love writing.
Writing plus puzzles equals a fun game for me.
Even if I can't get a hold of someone, I will find a way. I could message my sister to tell her girlfriend to tell my mother a secret plan that I'm hatching. Then I can tell my dad who can tell someone else, who speaks Spanish, to see if they like my plan. Then I'll set the whole thing up, while I'm across the sea.
It's brilliant.
I can ask a friend to do something special for me, in return I'll give him what he asks for. I can have my sister drive me, her girlfriend on the lookout, and my friend in position. The only thing now is to get inside the house with the permission of the mother. I'll create a diversion, pretend to be somewhere I'm not and surprise the person in the end.
But now that I told you all of this, I have to come up with a new plan.
That's one thing about me that will never change. I write stories, I hatch plans, and I sometimes stick to them. Depending on what the plan is.
❤
I love writing.
Writing plus puzzles equals a fun game for me.
Even if I can't get a hold of someone, I will find a way. I could message my sister to tell her girlfriend to tell my mother a secret plan that I'm hatching. Then I can tell my dad who can tell someone else, who speaks Spanish, to see if they like my plan. Then I'll set the whole thing up, while I'm across the sea.
It's brilliant.
I can ask a friend to do something special for me, in return I'll give him what he asks for. I can have my sister drive me, her girlfriend on the lookout, and my friend in position. The only thing now is to get inside the house with the permission of the mother. I'll create a diversion, pretend to be somewhere I'm not and surprise the person in the end.
But now that I told you all of this, I have to come up with a new plan.
That's one thing about me that will never change. I write stories, I hatch plans, and I sometimes stick to them. Depending on what the plan is.
❤
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Looking at the Past Friends in the Future
Now, normally this would be a sad or something of that range type of thing, but this is very uplifting.
So, as y'all know, I was never in the cool/pretty groups in school. I hung out, kinda, but actually knew really nerdy/intelligent people. I had great acquaintances.
I look at their photos now and they look amazing. I always saw them as beautiful because of how they treated me with kindness. Sure, they were weird, but they made me laugh. I just now saw my old pal, Michelle.
She looks amazing. She looks stunning. I started looking at everyone else in my group of nerds and they all blossomed beautifully.
I look at them, then I look back at myself. I don't look any different. Just taller, I guess. But I am so proud of my friends. I started looking at all of the girls who picked on me and who were amazingly gorgeous at such a young age, they look the same. They don't have any before pictures, they only have after pictures throughout their life. They look plain to me.
But when you see your friends beautifully transform like the people they are today, it brings a tear to my eye.
I miss them.
Hopefully I'll see them again someday.
with Love❤
So, as y'all know, I was never in the cool/pretty groups in school. I hung out, kinda, but actually knew really nerdy/intelligent people. I had great acquaintances.
I look at their photos now and they look amazing. I always saw them as beautiful because of how they treated me with kindness. Sure, they were weird, but they made me laugh. I just now saw my old pal, Michelle.
She looks amazing. She looks stunning. I started looking at everyone else in my group of nerds and they all blossomed beautifully.
I look at them, then I look back at myself. I don't look any different. Just taller, I guess. But I am so proud of my friends. I started looking at all of the girls who picked on me and who were amazingly gorgeous at such a young age, they look the same. They don't have any before pictures, they only have after pictures throughout their life. They look plain to me.
But when you see your friends beautifully transform like the people they are today, it brings a tear to my eye.
I miss them.
Hopefully I'll see them again someday.
with Love❤
Friday, March 4, 2016
What's wrong?
I don't think people understand that I really would like to know what is on their mind. I want to help. I would like to know, especially if it is in my family.
Is someone dying?
Is it Lee? Did he die?
Is it mom? Did they find another cancer tumor on her?
Is it you? Did you break up with your girlfriend?
Is it papi? Did something bad happen to him? Or was it good?
What happened in my family that caused tears in both my mom's and sister's eyes?
Can someone please tell me what happened?
Did Tiki get eaten or run over? Is she dead?
I ask questions because I hate being in the dark. I hate not knowing something. Even if you were going to ask me if I liked your blue tie, but then said, "Never mind." I would love to have an input. I would love to know that you're able to ask me questions or tell me when something is wrong. I need people to know that they can trust me with whatever they have to say. I need someone to know that if something is bothering them, they can say it to me and not bottle it up. I know how it feels when you don't want to talk to someone, afraid how they might handle it. Or afraid of the outcome.
I want everyone who knows me or is close to me that it's alright to talk. I don't want them to be in the dark, and I don't want to be put in the dark, without any light to guide me.
(Song: Nuvole Bianche)
I wish that someone out there would just trust me for once with their words.
❤
Is someone dying?
Is it Lee? Did he die?
Is it mom? Did they find another cancer tumor on her?
Is it you? Did you break up with your girlfriend?
Is it papi? Did something bad happen to him? Or was it good?
What happened in my family that caused tears in both my mom's and sister's eyes?
Can someone please tell me what happened?
Did Tiki get eaten or run over? Is she dead?
I ask questions because I hate being in the dark. I hate not knowing something. Even if you were going to ask me if I liked your blue tie, but then said, "Never mind." I would love to have an input. I would love to know that you're able to ask me questions or tell me when something is wrong. I need people to know that they can trust me with whatever they have to say. I need someone to know that if something is bothering them, they can say it to me and not bottle it up. I know how it feels when you don't want to talk to someone, afraid how they might handle it. Or afraid of the outcome.
I want everyone who knows me or is close to me that it's alright to talk. I don't want them to be in the dark, and I don't want to be put in the dark, without any light to guide me.
(Song: Nuvole Bianche)
I wish that someone out there would just trust me for once with their words.
❤
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Funny
Funny how you meet people, thinking that they might not make an impact. Then comes along this dickhead. You both seem the same, but with little differences. They're serious at times, while you can't keep your mouth shut from laughing. They have a plan for the day, while you're still sleeping in at noon. They know what they like and dislike, while you don't care much or care for everything.
You're both on the other sides of the spectrum when it comes to things, but at times you do the same thing. You both laugh at something funny, you both like some of the same music, you both like little odd things, you both love to be goofy, you both think you're right, you both get mad at certain things, you both care about one another, and you both love each other.
You thought early on about where the relationship will go. It only goes two ways, you break up, or get married. You ask them a dumb question, "Would you marry me?" You said it very nonchalantly, or you said it as a curious question that you wanted an answer for. You didn't know if they felt the same, but you wanted to see if you should pursue them or not. You didn't want to get hurt like you always do. So, you end up asking a weird question.
The person responds with a shocked facial expression. You don't remember what they said, but it made you feel happy inside. You continue to pursue them. You felt scared about your parents and how they would react. You were mostly scared that your mother wouldn't approve of them, because she had a list. It was a stupid list. You had your own list.
1. Have to be adventurous
2. Have to have ambition/goal
3. Have to be educated (easy)
4. Have to be kind hearted
5. Have to cook (because you can't)
6. Have to love every inch of you, no matter what you like with the lights on naked.
You were scared about your mom's response when you walk in with a surprise. You tell them, "Not yet. I promise." They don't like the way of your thinking, but don't tell you that until you're 6 months in your relationship when you guys are talking one night. You needed to plan it at the right moment. You announced it the most awkward way possible. Have a dinner and bring a "friend". Good job! You completed the most stupid and childish way of going about things. You dumb fuck!
Anyway, you tell your parents. They took some time to approve. Fights and arguments went around. You said your, "sorry's" and were on your way. Good. You completed level one of being a person in a new relationship. Now for the bad news. You got accepted into a college, far away, but want to keep things going. It doesn't go well, but they make it work. You run to their house the day before you leave and see them cry. It breaks your heart, you've never seen them get so sad before, but it doesn't change the situation.
You wanted to stay. You wanted to hold them in your arms. You didn't want to go. You wanted to be with them.
You got to college, everything went well, at first. Then things got a little rocky. Never did it stay that way, because things picked back up for the good. You made friends. You loved them. You missed your significant other. Winter break was coming up. It went by so fast, but you still hold on to the memories you made with your SO (significant other).
Fast forward to now. You are in London. Across the sea about 5,000 miles away from your SO. You are nearing the end of the second term. You feel summer creeping up. You can't wait.
Your SO had a very future-y, weird, but good talk. Marriage again. It was quite nice how they described their feelings for you. Of course, your SO fell asleep, again, but it was nice to see their cute face.
I write this because I am thinking about the positive and about the future. I hope it goes well, I want to make it go the way I see it. I hope I become the person I want to be. I hope I get my dream job, Marine Biologist Researcher, in case you're wondering.
Goodnight love
❤
You're both on the other sides of the spectrum when it comes to things, but at times you do the same thing. You both laugh at something funny, you both like some of the same music, you both like little odd things, you both love to be goofy, you both think you're right, you both get mad at certain things, you both care about one another, and you both love each other.
You thought early on about where the relationship will go. It only goes two ways, you break up, or get married. You ask them a dumb question, "Would you marry me?" You said it very nonchalantly, or you said it as a curious question that you wanted an answer for. You didn't know if they felt the same, but you wanted to see if you should pursue them or not. You didn't want to get hurt like you always do. So, you end up asking a weird question.
The person responds with a shocked facial expression. You don't remember what they said, but it made you feel happy inside. You continue to pursue them. You felt scared about your parents and how they would react. You were mostly scared that your mother wouldn't approve of them, because she had a list. It was a stupid list. You had your own list.
1. Have to be adventurous
2. Have to have ambition/goal
3. Have to be educated (easy)
4. Have to be kind hearted
5. Have to cook (because you can't)
6. Have to love every inch of you, no matter what you like with the lights on naked.
You were scared about your mom's response when you walk in with a surprise. You tell them, "Not yet. I promise." They don't like the way of your thinking, but don't tell you that until you're 6 months in your relationship when you guys are talking one night. You needed to plan it at the right moment. You announced it the most awkward way possible. Have a dinner and bring a "friend". Good job! You completed the most stupid and childish way of going about things. You dumb fuck!
Anyway, you tell your parents. They took some time to approve. Fights and arguments went around. You said your, "sorry's" and were on your way. Good. You completed level one of being a person in a new relationship. Now for the bad news. You got accepted into a college, far away, but want to keep things going. It doesn't go well, but they make it work. You run to their house the day before you leave and see them cry. It breaks your heart, you've never seen them get so sad before, but it doesn't change the situation.
You wanted to stay. You wanted to hold them in your arms. You didn't want to go. You wanted to be with them.
You got to college, everything went well, at first. Then things got a little rocky. Never did it stay that way, because things picked back up for the good. You made friends. You loved them. You missed your significant other. Winter break was coming up. It went by so fast, but you still hold on to the memories you made with your SO (significant other).
Fast forward to now. You are in London. Across the sea about 5,000 miles away from your SO. You are nearing the end of the second term. You feel summer creeping up. You can't wait.
Your SO had a very future-y, weird, but good talk. Marriage again. It was quite nice how they described their feelings for you. Of course, your SO fell asleep, again, but it was nice to see their cute face.
I write this because I am thinking about the positive and about the future. I hope it goes well, I want to make it go the way I see it. I hope I become the person I want to be. I hope I get my dream job, Marine Biologist Researcher, in case you're wondering.
Goodnight love
❤
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Anything with an "S"
Success. Sleep. Stories. Safe. Sorrow. Sensitive. School. Schedule. Sin. Satisfaction. Secret. Sex.
I don't know why I started this with "S" words. I was successful today in class when I got something right. I never really heard or listened to what she was saying, but I looked at the pictures and figured it out.
Yesterday, I bought more shampoo, conditioner, and soap. They all smell like coconut. I love the smell of coconut. I love smelling like coconut. After class, I'm going to take a long, warm, and coconut shower. I can't wait! I want to get out of these clothes and get in water already!
Speaking of water, I might be working at an aquarium over the summer, or at a burger joint. I don't really care, I applied to things that I love. I love fries and marine animals. So it's a win-win.
I really hope that I get a job to be honest, I need to save for a tattoo, traveling, and to give to my other. I want to give so much to him. I want to show him weird, quirky things. I want to go to a museum, movie, art exhibit, and maybe just walk around town. I don't know. I want to buy him a shirt, I want to cook for him, and it's so weird. I can't do that, I suck at cooking. I don't suck at fashion though.
Classification of traits:
Cardinal: one trait that dominates the personality.
Mine is weird. It felt so negative at first when I heard it, but later saw it as a positive. I embrace my "weird" and hopefully I can find friends who don't mind it. I did actually, and I love them a lot.
I also found someone who loves me and my weird ways. I am so grateful for him and all that he's done to help me. It's like a movie scene where the girl jumps over the building to get away from the guys trying to catch her. Down below, she somehow lands on her feet and meets her lover in a jet black Royce. The song that insp. me is, "Back to Black" by Oscar and the Wolf. It has so much passion and sensual feel to it. You can hear the lust and the rough love in the way it's sung. I love it!
I would listen to it on repeat. Anyway, where was I? Nowhere really. *smirks*
Goodbye, for I must go.
❤
I don't know why I started this with "S" words. I was successful today in class when I got something right. I never really heard or listened to what she was saying, but I looked at the pictures and figured it out.
Yesterday, I bought more shampoo, conditioner, and soap. They all smell like coconut. I love the smell of coconut. I love smelling like coconut. After class, I'm going to take a long, warm, and coconut shower. I can't wait! I want to get out of these clothes and get in water already!
Speaking of water, I might be working at an aquarium over the summer, or at a burger joint. I don't really care, I applied to things that I love. I love fries and marine animals. So it's a win-win.
I really hope that I get a job to be honest, I need to save for a tattoo, traveling, and to give to my other. I want to give so much to him. I want to show him weird, quirky things. I want to go to a museum, movie, art exhibit, and maybe just walk around town. I don't know. I want to buy him a shirt, I want to cook for him, and it's so weird. I can't do that, I suck at cooking. I don't suck at fashion though.
Classification of traits:
Cardinal: one trait that dominates the personality.
Mine is weird. It felt so negative at first when I heard it, but later saw it as a positive. I embrace my "weird" and hopefully I can find friends who don't mind it. I did actually, and I love them a lot.
I also found someone who loves me and my weird ways. I am so grateful for him and all that he's done to help me. It's like a movie scene where the girl jumps over the building to get away from the guys trying to catch her. Down below, she somehow lands on her feet and meets her lover in a jet black Royce. The song that insp. me is, "Back to Black" by Oscar and the Wolf. It has so much passion and sensual feel to it. You can hear the lust and the rough love in the way it's sung. I love it!
I would listen to it on repeat. Anyway, where was I? Nowhere really. *smirks*
Goodbye, for I must go.
❤
Monday, February 15, 2016
Poundcake
No one knows what the title means unless you've met me. So, an ice cream man, my sister, my mom, my sister in law, and maybe my other.
I wear it with pride. I wear it, knowing that I'll get looks. I wear it knowing that I'm going to be fine in what I look like. A big, fat, round, shapely, nice, and soft Poundcake.
So, if you haven't been seeing my snapchats or take a peek on my tumblr, I am writing again. Not just any type of writing, a story. Man, I don't remember the last time I wrote a story. Oh wait, yes I do.
A year ago. That was the last time I wrote a story. Now, most of them are fiction, but this last one isn't. I wrote it in this journal I had all senior year of high school. My English teacher told us to write in our journals. I love to write. I love to read. And most of all, I love to imagine. So, it was my last year in high school, why not go out spilling all of my secrets?
In the journal, it was like this blog, except it had a love interest, me! Haha, nah. I came out, told secrets about me that no one else knows, except my cat. Said some hurtful things and feelings I had towards others, and towards myself. I really hated myself back then. I mean I still do, it's just not as much. I don't regret coming out to my teacher before my family. Heck, I came out to my cat before my dying grandmother. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how they would react. All Tiki, my cat, did was blink at me and meow wanting more food. Cool. Still the same fat, furry asshole as ever. Man, I love her. My cat, for clarification. Anyway, back to the journal. I said some depressing things, to say the least. I told the story, or should I say stories, of my attempts of death. I wrote down how I felt in my family. I said how I hated my sister, my mother, and my father for not being there when I was growing up. I don't care much for my brother, because he moved out the day I turned one. I wrote down the events that involved cancer and members of my family. I mentioned my parents and their situation. I even said something about a guy that didn't even notice me. Shit, no guy ever did. Not even girls, or my friends. Quite sad.
I mean, I was a weird girl.
I don't care anymore though. In college, university, or whatever you want to call it, I found people who love me for who I am. Funny enough, one of them is from New York. The other is from the Netherlands. Who knew that I would find my best friends from different parts of the world just by going to a different state?
Do you guys ever wonder what goes through my mind when I write these? Songs.
That's it. Right now I'm listening to Ghost by Charlie. She has an amazing voice.
Well, I guess that's it for tonight.
My letters will come in the mail, I promise, they have a reason to. Never question why I do things. The answer might be that I love you. That's it.
❤️Peace✌🏼️
I wear it with pride. I wear it, knowing that I'll get looks. I wear it knowing that I'm going to be fine in what I look like. A big, fat, round, shapely, nice, and soft Poundcake.
So, if you haven't been seeing my snapchats or take a peek on my tumblr, I am writing again. Not just any type of writing, a story. Man, I don't remember the last time I wrote a story. Oh wait, yes I do.
A year ago. That was the last time I wrote a story. Now, most of them are fiction, but this last one isn't. I wrote it in this journal I had all senior year of high school. My English teacher told us to write in our journals. I love to write. I love to read. And most of all, I love to imagine. So, it was my last year in high school, why not go out spilling all of my secrets?
In the journal, it was like this blog, except it had a love interest, me! Haha, nah. I came out, told secrets about me that no one else knows, except my cat. Said some hurtful things and feelings I had towards others, and towards myself. I really hated myself back then. I mean I still do, it's just not as much. I don't regret coming out to my teacher before my family. Heck, I came out to my cat before my dying grandmother. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how they would react. All Tiki, my cat, did was blink at me and meow wanting more food. Cool. Still the same fat, furry asshole as ever. Man, I love her. My cat, for clarification. Anyway, back to the journal. I said some depressing things, to say the least. I told the story, or should I say stories, of my attempts of death. I wrote down how I felt in my family. I said how I hated my sister, my mother, and my father for not being there when I was growing up. I don't care much for my brother, because he moved out the day I turned one. I wrote down the events that involved cancer and members of my family. I mentioned my parents and their situation. I even said something about a guy that didn't even notice me. Shit, no guy ever did. Not even girls, or my friends. Quite sad.
I mean, I was a weird girl.
I don't care anymore though. In college, university, or whatever you want to call it, I found people who love me for who I am. Funny enough, one of them is from New York. The other is from the Netherlands. Who knew that I would find my best friends from different parts of the world just by going to a different state?
Do you guys ever wonder what goes through my mind when I write these? Songs.
That's it. Right now I'm listening to Ghost by Charlie. She has an amazing voice.
Well, I guess that's it for tonight.
My letters will come in the mail, I promise, they have a reason to. Never question why I do things. The answer might be that I love you. That's it.
❤️Peace✌🏼️
Friday, February 5, 2016
Forgetful
i forget where I am, easily. It's hard for a person like me, because I get so wrapped up in things I'm watching, reading, or scrolling through.
Tomorrow I'm going shopping for some tight shorts with my roommate. She doesn't do fashion, but she does sports wear. I don't do sports wear, but I do fashion. So we help each other out.
The last few times of Skype was incredible. Sorry for falling asleep. I fall asleep when there is a nice noise in the background, like the sizzle of meat. -_-
I had to get used to noise growing up. I would always be at my grandmas house late at night, because my dad or mom would work so late, but my grandpa and grandma would watch their nightly shows. Even my uncle, who lived with them, would come to the living room and put on a show. I would then have to go to the bedroom and lay on my dinosaur blanket.
Holy shit. I was a total goober growing up. I liked dinosaurs, cars, puzzles, crosswords, playing with numbers, and writing stories. What kind of girl was I?
I remembered every time it would rain, my grandpa and I would make boats and float them down the tiny size flow near the curb. I loved flowers and plants. I loved tools, gardening and building. I loved the grass and the birds. I loved where I was every day from 1 to 13 years old. I say it ended when I was 13 because my house was now closer to my school, so instead of my grandma picking me up, I would just walk home.
What would've happened if I just walked 7 blocks in the other direction to my grandmas house after school? What would be different if I really spent time with them? How would my life had been if I still went over every day? I should've done that. I should've been there for my grandma. I should've talked to her and showed her how much I loved her after grandpa died. I should've done something. I should've gone on walks with her. I should've been there when she fell. I should've been there when she was calling my name from the bed. I should've visited more. I should've made time for her and my grandpa. I should've!
I'm sorry.
At least she met Melissa. At least I told her about myself. At least I told her that I would have someone to love. At least I told her that Cristina is going to be happy as well with someone she loves.
At least I saw her when she was in the hospital. At least I held her hand and said I'm doing great.
At least I saw her one last time.
See, you never forget a feeling. You do forget where you are, but something brings you back to reality. It's a feeling. Could be a shocked feeling, sad, mad, joy, panic, confused, or whatever you want to call it. But feelings never leave, they just go into another room and wait for you to follow them once again.
I will never let the feeling of love leave me alone in a room. I will hold it's hand until we both think it's time to leave.
❤️
Tomorrow I'm going shopping for some tight shorts with my roommate. She doesn't do fashion, but she does sports wear. I don't do sports wear, but I do fashion. So we help each other out.
The last few times of Skype was incredible. Sorry for falling asleep. I fall asleep when there is a nice noise in the background, like the sizzle of meat. -_-
I had to get used to noise growing up. I would always be at my grandmas house late at night, because my dad or mom would work so late, but my grandpa and grandma would watch their nightly shows. Even my uncle, who lived with them, would come to the living room and put on a show. I would then have to go to the bedroom and lay on my dinosaur blanket.
Holy shit. I was a total goober growing up. I liked dinosaurs, cars, puzzles, crosswords, playing with numbers, and writing stories. What kind of girl was I?
I remembered every time it would rain, my grandpa and I would make boats and float them down the tiny size flow near the curb. I loved flowers and plants. I loved tools, gardening and building. I loved the grass and the birds. I loved where I was every day from 1 to 13 years old. I say it ended when I was 13 because my house was now closer to my school, so instead of my grandma picking me up, I would just walk home.
What would've happened if I just walked 7 blocks in the other direction to my grandmas house after school? What would be different if I really spent time with them? How would my life had been if I still went over every day? I should've done that. I should've been there for my grandma. I should've talked to her and showed her how much I loved her after grandpa died. I should've done something. I should've gone on walks with her. I should've been there when she fell. I should've been there when she was calling my name from the bed. I should've visited more. I should've made time for her and my grandpa. I should've!
I'm sorry.
At least she met Melissa. At least I told her about myself. At least I told her that I would have someone to love. At least I told her that Cristina is going to be happy as well with someone she loves.
At least I saw her when she was in the hospital. At least I held her hand and said I'm doing great.
At least I saw her one last time.
See, you never forget a feeling. You do forget where you are, but something brings you back to reality. It's a feeling. Could be a shocked feeling, sad, mad, joy, panic, confused, or whatever you want to call it. But feelings never leave, they just go into another room and wait for you to follow them once again.
I will never let the feeling of love leave me alone in a room. I will hold it's hand until we both think it's time to leave.
❤️
Monday, February 1, 2016
Monthly
Ha! I noticed that I've said baby in my posts. I wasn't even thinking, I just did it because it felt normal. Like a habit.
Anyway, Happy Birthday Harry!!! (wow, he's 22 haha)
On with the day. It's 10 at night, going to be 11pm. I had a headache when I woke up today, at first I didn't know what it was from, but I now just figured it out. Silly me, causing myself problems.
I also made a list of things to do, not really. They were more like things not to do. I guess you could say I completed my list. Didn't fuck up today.
I took a nice and uncomfortable shower today. It was nice because my skin feels like silk afterwards. Uncomfortable because the shower cubicle got clogged and it was flooding. Gross.
Now I'm in bed laying on my stomach, I fell asleep just now. As I was saying, I'm in bed on my computer waiting to be talk to. Waiting for my headache to go away. I should start saying migraine, since it is that. I hate getting migraines, they never go away and I always have to take more pills than normal to actually work. I've taken three and even they aren't helping. I'm going to drink water and lay down.
Happy Monday.
❤
Anyway, Happy Birthday Harry!!! (wow, he's 22 haha)
On with the day. It's 10 at night, going to be 11pm. I had a headache when I woke up today, at first I didn't know what it was from, but I now just figured it out. Silly me, causing myself problems.
I also made a list of things to do, not really. They were more like things not to do. I guess you could say I completed my list. Didn't fuck up today.
I took a nice and uncomfortable shower today. It was nice because my skin feels like silk afterwards. Uncomfortable because the shower cubicle got clogged and it was flooding. Gross.
Now I'm in bed laying on my stomach, I fell asleep just now. As I was saying, I'm in bed on my computer waiting to be talk to. Waiting for my headache to go away. I should start saying migraine, since it is that. I hate getting migraines, they never go away and I always have to take more pills than normal to actually work. I've taken three and even they aren't helping. I'm going to drink water and lay down.
Happy Monday.
❤
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Well, crap
I have no idea how i fuck up our relationship. You make it seem that it's all my fault. Not that it's about communication. No, just me being mad at certain times or being emotional or crazy. If we have a small problem, let's talk it over so it doesn't blow up to something bigger. We can make this work, you just have to open up. We can have a healthy relationship, if we just have a day where we talk things through. Forgiveness is also a given. I always forgive you and i always love you.
You see, there's another person here with me that has been in a relationship for seven months. She's also in a long distance relationship. She and her partner are in a beautiful relationship because they talk. Communication is key. Not texting, calling, skyping, but understanding and feeling.
If you have WiFi we could Skype if you want. I would love to Skype.
Now that i think about it, my other friend is in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend.
You see? We just need to talk. I'm down to talk, but are you?
You see, there's another person here with me that has been in a relationship for seven months. She's also in a long distance relationship. She and her partner are in a beautiful relationship because they talk. Communication is key. Not texting, calling, skyping, but understanding and feeling.
If you have WiFi we could Skype if you want. I would love to Skype.
Now that i think about it, my other friend is in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend.
You see? We just need to talk. I'm down to talk, but are you?
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Doing well
I'm doing well. I'm wearing nice, black, classy clothes. Going to my first class in a minute. Going to learn something new. Getting to know people. Might go to a pub. Might drink. Who knows?
Music is a creative piece that is recorded once and played over and over again. The words, beat, rhythm, and music never changes. The meaning, however, changes with the person. One song might seem like it helps with the end of the world feeling one day, then it might make the person feel unstoppable the next. It's all how you look at it. How you feel it. How you experience it.
I need to create something. I need to write. I need to sing. I need to let my feelings out. I must learn how to become that girl who can make up a chorus in 2 minutes. I need to be the girl who can write a full song in one day. I always have inspiration from the negative. Now, I'll use you as my inspiration. I'll write fiction stories about you. I'll write songs, poems, and letters. I wish I could paint, but everything is back home.
Just you wait. I will have my creative side back.
A❤️
Music is a creative piece that is recorded once and played over and over again. The words, beat, rhythm, and music never changes. The meaning, however, changes with the person. One song might seem like it helps with the end of the world feeling one day, then it might make the person feel unstoppable the next. It's all how you look at it. How you feel it. How you experience it.
I need to create something. I need to write. I need to sing. I need to let my feelings out. I must learn how to become that girl who can make up a chorus in 2 minutes. I need to be the girl who can write a full song in one day. I always have inspiration from the negative. Now, I'll use you as my inspiration. I'll write fiction stories about you. I'll write songs, poems, and letters. I wish I could paint, but everything is back home.
Just you wait. I will have my creative side back.
A❤️
Sunday, January 17, 2016
i guess some things are better... not really
You call me a liar?
Alright I'll admit, I do lie about things, just never to you. I never lie to you. I just don't tell you things, see there's a difference. One thing means you tell someone a fabrication of false events. The other, you just keep to yourself. Duh!
He has your exact name, exact birthday, and he spells "your" when it should be "you're". I'm not saying you need a grammar lesson, it's just you don't really care. If it was a different person, they would probably notice. Anyway, he texted certain phrases like you. He knew my middle name, the passcode to my phone, and my phone number. Now, I don't give out my phone number here and there. I gave you my phone number recently on paper because you don't remember. Shocking huh? The only thing you don't remember that is mine.
I don't know what's wrong with you. I was freaking out over the phone because you made it seem like it wasn't you and it was a scary strange guy. If it isn't you, then how the frick does this guy know so much? You never really comforted me, you just said that you're tired of my shit, that I probably made it up.
Why would I make up something so horrible? I would never do that. And I was calling you at 1:30 in the morning. That usually means it's an emergency.
Then again, I don't know if you understand that.
I don't know man, that's pretty fucked up. This entire situation is and I hate it.
Alright I'll admit, I do lie about things, just never to you. I never lie to you. I just don't tell you things, see there's a difference. One thing means you tell someone a fabrication of false events. The other, you just keep to yourself. Duh!
He has your exact name, exact birthday, and he spells "your" when it should be "you're". I'm not saying you need a grammar lesson, it's just you don't really care. If it was a different person, they would probably notice. Anyway, he texted certain phrases like you. He knew my middle name, the passcode to my phone, and my phone number. Now, I don't give out my phone number here and there. I gave you my phone number recently on paper because you don't remember. Shocking huh? The only thing you don't remember that is mine.
I don't know what's wrong with you. I was freaking out over the phone because you made it seem like it wasn't you and it was a scary strange guy. If it isn't you, then how the frick does this guy know so much? You never really comforted me, you just said that you're tired of my shit, that I probably made it up.
Why would I make up something so horrible? I would never do that. And I was calling you at 1:30 in the morning. That usually means it's an emergency.
Then again, I don't know if you understand that.
I don't know man, that's pretty fucked up. This entire situation is and I hate it.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Playing by the rules, unless you're the Master.
So I thought I could have a normal, easy, and nice trip in London.
Nope, everything that could make me have a meltdown happened. Aside from the totally cool and awesome roommate, I was lost on the first few days. I got a SIM card at the airport, had trouble with it, got it to kinda work, and now it's just in my unlocked phone sitting on my desk.
I'm currently sick and I'm not sure when it will go away. I haven't gone to the store to get medicine because I've been so tired and not feeling up to walking.
Today, however, I feel more prepared.
Now, for the plot twist. Oh yes, there really is a real life plot twist going on.
This guy, O, started talking to me as I was heading to the airport on Jan. 12. Now, his name is the same name, kinda, as my boyfriend. I even asked if it was him because at the beginning he played a game. He made me guess who it was.
Anyway, long story, trying to make short, O, is apparently not my boyfriend, but a person I can talk to. My "actual" boyfriend hasn't really talked to me since that day.
Now I don't know if you guys understand, but I gave O 3 security questions. He answered two of them correctly. The third was a stupid question so that is a pass.
Now, I'm currently talking to O about my boyfriend, life in London, problems, my sickness, and just fillers for conversation. He talks like he doesn't know me personally, but he talks like he knows me on a friend level.
I don't know guys, I'll keep talking to O, but this time I'll just watch what I say.
Bye! I'm off to get medicine.
A❤
Nope, everything that could make me have a meltdown happened. Aside from the totally cool and awesome roommate, I was lost on the first few days. I got a SIM card at the airport, had trouble with it, got it to kinda work, and now it's just in my unlocked phone sitting on my desk.
I'm currently sick and I'm not sure when it will go away. I haven't gone to the store to get medicine because I've been so tired and not feeling up to walking.
Today, however, I feel more prepared.
Now, for the plot twist. Oh yes, there really is a real life plot twist going on.
This guy, O, started talking to me as I was heading to the airport on Jan. 12. Now, his name is the same name, kinda, as my boyfriend. I even asked if it was him because at the beginning he played a game. He made me guess who it was.
Anyway, long story, trying to make short, O, is apparently not my boyfriend, but a person I can talk to. My "actual" boyfriend hasn't really talked to me since that day.
Now I don't know if you guys understand, but I gave O 3 security questions. He answered two of them correctly. The third was a stupid question so that is a pass.
Now, I'm currently talking to O about my boyfriend, life in London, problems, my sickness, and just fillers for conversation. He talks like he doesn't know me personally, but he talks like he knows me on a friend level.
I don't know guys, I'll keep talking to O, but this time I'll just watch what I say.
Bye! I'm off to get medicine.
A❤
Monday, January 11, 2016
Saying what exactly?
I know you said love is blind. But I'm not. Strange how I pick up on certain things. While others fly right over me.
Yes, I'm a reader and a writer, but when it comes to sadness I try to stay away from that sort of emotion. I have too much of it and I shouldn't. I mean, I'm a young lady going to study abroad in London. How cool is that? I shouldn't be acting the way I've been acting.
And I hate to say it, but I don't remember the promises. I mean, I probably do, but I just can't remember them. I feel like you have a better memory than I do.
And hey, I will never go for anyone else, but you. So don't listen to the peanut gallery of people that talk to you. They don't really know me. I know me and you don't have to be afraid that I'm pansexual. I only have eyes for you. You sweet, beautiful, handsome, loving guy. Sorry, for a second there I pictured your beautiful face and smile.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something, but I guess it will have to be over this. If you truly are reading this. It hurts me every time you talk about women. Like ditching school with a hot girl. Or seeing some cute Asians. It doesn't sit right in my stomach. Yeah, I probably do the same, but I'm more admiring what the girl is wearing or wishing I had something of hers.
I don't know, just hearing you call those women and girls those words makes me feel sick in the stomach. And I don't like it at all.
Another thing is that I feel everyone thinking I'm being waaay too serious or not serious enough. Sometimes when I joke I mock being serious and then a few seconds later I burst out laughing. My family understands it, but I guess you and your friends don't. So now I know that I need to watch what I do. Because sometimes I say things trying to mean something, but it comes out all wrong.
I'm sorry. And yeah you say your "whatevers", but it's not. I mean it every time I say sorry. I also mean it when i say I love you. I don't know what you think, but those two phrases mean a lot. It's a very serious thing to me.
Remember Gulliver's Travels? How the people of Liliput could build anything? Well, now would be a good time to tell you. I fall fast and hard for people, but you were the one's that had me take more time and courage than ever. My heart is still being built anew right now. It started when I said that I like you. It's still growing after I said my first "I love you". Right now, there is something that is rebuilding my heart. It had holes, gouges, rips, and tears before. I thought I wouldn't find someone to love. Now that I have, my brain doesn't know how to handle such a fragile thing. You.
So right now, I'm trying to take it one step at a time, but I just jumped right in thinking I can handle this. So for now, I'll be in the shallow end of the pool and wait for my heart to build back up before I try and go to the next level of things.
I hope you understand what I mean. You are my boyfriend. And I am your girlfriend, no one else's.
I love you.
A❤
Yes, I'm a reader and a writer, but when it comes to sadness I try to stay away from that sort of emotion. I have too much of it and I shouldn't. I mean, I'm a young lady going to study abroad in London. How cool is that? I shouldn't be acting the way I've been acting.
And I hate to say it, but I don't remember the promises. I mean, I probably do, but I just can't remember them. I feel like you have a better memory than I do.
And hey, I will never go for anyone else, but you. So don't listen to the peanut gallery of people that talk to you. They don't really know me. I know me and you don't have to be afraid that I'm pansexual. I only have eyes for you. You sweet, beautiful, handsome, loving guy. Sorry, for a second there I pictured your beautiful face and smile.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something, but I guess it will have to be over this. If you truly are reading this. It hurts me every time you talk about women. Like ditching school with a hot girl. Or seeing some cute Asians. It doesn't sit right in my stomach. Yeah, I probably do the same, but I'm more admiring what the girl is wearing or wishing I had something of hers.
I don't know, just hearing you call those women and girls those words makes me feel sick in the stomach. And I don't like it at all.
Another thing is that I feel everyone thinking I'm being waaay too serious or not serious enough. Sometimes when I joke I mock being serious and then a few seconds later I burst out laughing. My family understands it, but I guess you and your friends don't. So now I know that I need to watch what I do. Because sometimes I say things trying to mean something, but it comes out all wrong.
I'm sorry. And yeah you say your "whatevers", but it's not. I mean it every time I say sorry. I also mean it when i say I love you. I don't know what you think, but those two phrases mean a lot. It's a very serious thing to me.
Remember Gulliver's Travels? How the people of Liliput could build anything? Well, now would be a good time to tell you. I fall fast and hard for people, but you were the one's that had me take more time and courage than ever. My heart is still being built anew right now. It started when I said that I like you. It's still growing after I said my first "I love you". Right now, there is something that is rebuilding my heart. It had holes, gouges, rips, and tears before. I thought I wouldn't find someone to love. Now that I have, my brain doesn't know how to handle such a fragile thing. You.
So right now, I'm trying to take it one step at a time, but I just jumped right in thinking I can handle this. So for now, I'll be in the shallow end of the pool and wait for my heart to build back up before I try and go to the next level of things.
I hope you understand what I mean. You are my boyfriend. And I am your girlfriend, no one else's.
I love you.
A❤
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Back to Black
Don't know what happened along the way. I did change, for better and for worse. I started to love my exterior more than my interior. That was bad. I can't believe... no actually I can believe I would do such a thing to myself and others.
I was becoming selfish, arrogant, emotional, and just a plain bitch.
Well, fuck me.
I typed a whole thing after that paragraph and it didn't save. All I remember is to be RAD.
Read everything.
Ask questions.
Do something about it.
I just need to become the happy hippie I was when I was five years old. Writing stories, singing songs, painting, going to simple adventures. That's the Me that people should see, not the arrogant, drama queen, emotional girl.
Anyway, I just need to love myself. "Start small, then gradually, all the small things will become big things. And when that happens, you will have achieved your goal."
❤️
I was becoming selfish, arrogant, emotional, and just a plain bitch.
Well, fuck me.
I typed a whole thing after that paragraph and it didn't save. All I remember is to be RAD.
Read everything.
Ask questions.
Do something about it.
I just need to become the happy hippie I was when I was five years old. Writing stories, singing songs, painting, going to simple adventures. That's the Me that people should see, not the arrogant, drama queen, emotional girl.
Anyway, I just need to love myself. "Start small, then gradually, all the small things will become big things. And when that happens, you will have achieved your goal."
❤️
Friday, January 8, 2016
Changing
Apparently, I'm doing something wrong. I mean, I always do. I don't know how to be different. To be honest, I don't know who the real me is.
I need to change. I did, for a while.
I know who brings me back to a horrible past state of mind.
I know you say you still love me. But I'm afraid of when you'll stop. You've told me before that if I don't change... well you know what you said.
I'm so afraid.
I don't know what to do.
I feel lost.
I want to be able to love you forever.
I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to lose someone else who i truly love.
And I know I won't be able to love someone like this ever again.
I need to change. I did, for a while.
I know who brings me back to a horrible past state of mind.
I know you say you still love me. But I'm afraid of when you'll stop. You've told me before that if I don't change... well you know what you said.
I'm so afraid.
I don't know what to do.
I feel lost.
I want to be able to love you forever.
I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to lose someone else who i truly love.
And I know I won't be able to love someone like this ever again.
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