aftermath

I graduated university.
I got my degree in the mail.
I got my own room.
I got my own car.

But I have yet to get a job. ANY!

I have applied to the Happiest Place on Earth and got rejected.
I have applied to stores in my local mall, a few movie theaters, and I think a college as a TA?
But I haven't gotten one yet.
Maybe I'll become a writer and have a series or a book about life.

Or I might just be in this void of no jobs and melting in my room from the heat.

Did I mention I saw a Dr.? I got meds. Like proper meds.
I also have a PCP! Which is great and she is nice and actually lets me talk and ask questions.
Most Drs don't.
Even animal ones too... trust me I know.

Anyway, that's the update on my life.
My part is going well!
I am still single, I got two new things, and I'm back in ASL classes :)
I am really happy about that one :))

Well, for those who care, thank you for reading about my life. Sorry if it was boring, but at least it was real.
I'll come back to this... one day.
Thanks


Peace ✌

Relief

I am feeling a bit relieved because I have finished everything, except one thing, for me to graduate.
I finished classes!
I finished homework assignments!
I finished my internship!
I finished my paper for my field experience!
I finished my last presentation!

And all I have left is this massive paper that is due on Friday May 10th, 2019~

I have to get 30 pages... I have written 8, 12 if you count the title, abstract, and reference page.
I am going to aim for at least 20 pages.
I am going to do it, even though I feel like I might not make it.
Then on Friday, my uncle and his wife is coming to see me and take pictures of me in a pretty dress :)

I still have to pack my red suitcase, black backpack, and my grey backpack.
The red suitcase is for heavy stuff, black backpack is for medium stuff/overflow, and grey is for electronics and SUNNY! I will put sunny in my backpack, because I don't want people to handle her.
This is my last time packing up and leaving this university.
My last time heading home.
I won't be returning.
I am sad.
Hopefully, I will see all my friends before I go.
I know I can see a few, but all? I'm not sure.
I want to eat with all them at a restaurant and just sit there and talk.


When I am home I feel like I want to do so much with my free time.
I can drive places, I can see people, I can do so much relaxing and not stress about due dates.
I can even take a pottery class for fun!
I can bake so much things! Like bread, muffins, and other things! I can (try) cook! I can make pancakes and waffles and french toast! MMMM!!! I won't have to deal with roommates making weird stuff in the kitchen!

I am way to excited for home, but then that means...... -looks at unfinished paper- I have to do other things before I can leave. I feel so close yet so far :(
Once I am home, I will feel so relieved though. I can lay in my bed and just breathe.

I am a little bit proud of myself.


Peace.

Crappy but Happy

So, guess who is sick again.
That's right.
Me.
I'm a dumbass bitch who can't get her life and immune system in order.

Come on now! It's almost the end of the school year, I'm about to graduate, and go back home for good. I don't need this negativity.

Glad I got sick after I was done with my internship. After all my classes were through and done with.
Only one class left.
Only one major paper left.
I mean I'm doing homework early for my last class, but it ain't no thang.

Anyway, since it is nearing the end, the weather is also clearing up and becoming warmer. Which is a nice change of pace.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. I want to get a lot done since I need to get rid of things. Like books. I'm going to return a bunch of books. Mail them. Give them back. Bye bye!! lol

Then I need to return an item that doesn't fit me at all! Apparently, I got a fat ass neck lol. I can't wear certain necklaces and chokers, damn. I like chokers too. So, I gotta return it and get my money back.

Since I am graduating, I am NOT walking, because it's a whole thing. I ain't even going to support my friends, lol sorry guys. But I will see them off before the last day. I will say a little thought as those crossing the stage make their way into the world after college. I love Ya!!

My mom forgot to tell me that my uncle and his wife are coming... but I am not walking. So, I came up with an alternate plan. I will give them a tour. Take some photos. Pack in a calm and easy manner.
Oh! I need to do laundry and pack my clothes I ain't gonna wear in the next few weeks. That's what I always do.
I launder and pack my clothes that I don't wear a few weeks before I leave. I only set out enough for 8 days. And then wear them over and over. It's a good trick to make packing easier.

I also have to eat all my food..... i might need help.

I have 17 days left until I need to finish this dumb ass 30 page paper and presentation -_-
On the bright side, I will clean, pack, eat, and try to stay calm. I feel like everything is rushing and I hate that feeling. If it does come down to it, I know what to throw away, what to keep, what to mail, and what to pack. That shit is hard, but with my weird brain, I can do it in 2 days.


I made a list. It will help me.

ok bye

Peace.

Nigh

The end is nigh!

With so much on my shoulders, not including my long hair, I feel so much weight on my soul.

But I have successfully finished something :)
I finished my hours at my internship and I have to just write a reflection paper, which should be easy since I just have to recall my time there.

Today at the internship we decorated eggs for spring. It was weird and different. They had a dye kit that I've never seen before, but it turned out great!
I got to keep another volunteers egg, since she didn't like it nor does she eat them.

Anyway, I feel happy... but like relieved happy, so hopefully I can use that energy to focus on typing my easy papers before the... monsoon!

The monsoon that I am referring to isn't the actual weather dealy majigy… but actually the 30 page paper for my thesis :(

Better get back to typing up my reflection paper before I lose interest!!


Peace  <3

Furious

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU... still.

You don't understand how much you hurt me!
You don't know how much I put up with you... just like how you put up with me.
You don't know how much I feel for you and yet every time I try to forget you, I get a reminder on how it used to be.

I loved being loved by you.
I can't believe how it ended.
I can't believe this is how it is going.

I can be better.
You'll see.
I have gone through so much lately and I have kept it strong for myself.
I have looked myself in the mirror and told myself to keep going.

So that maybe one day I could go back home and look you in the face and be able to not care.

But... I do. I care so much.

I hate it! I don't know how I can't keep feeling like this!
I want to move on, but you are just... you.
I can't explain it.

I am caring for myself.
I am loving myself, slowly.

And I hope one day, you could love me again.



Peace.

Alarming

what is alarming anymore?
sex?
drugs?
naked people?
natural disasters?

I think something alarming for anyone is something they wouldn't think happen to them, eventually happen.
For example, someone who has a basic and mellow life. Nothing exciting, nothing drastic, just like plain Jane.

But when something does happen, the person reacts differently.

For me, it started when I was 9 years old and I experienced the first death in my family.
Then I was 18 years old when I was sexually assaulted in a club.
Somewhere in there, my mom got cancer. Don't feel sad, we're going through it and there's nothing anyone can really do.
At age 21, I gained a hater and her friends became my stalkers... I blocked her and it stopped.
Again, at age 21, I found myself being blackmailed for some lovely photos in exchange for information.

That last one, was shocking because I thought this person was my friend. At least I thought he was. He was actually lusting over me for 4 years and have been trying to make advances, but I was in a relationship at the time or I just didn't notice.
Now that I am single, I don't have excuses not to do something... or do I?
It really is a shame that men believe another male instead of listening to a female. Like how sad, you can't have a woman be right in a situation?
So, of course, I had to tell my "friend" that I am in a private relationship. (technically kinda true)
I went over to my friends apartment to hang, but also seek help.
Told my friend about this creep tryna blackmail me and he said, "can I send something?"
"Like tell him off?"
"Yeah, that cool?"
"yeah, go ahead"

And so the creepy "friend" listened to some dude on my snap rather than stop when I said I got something going on... like woooow!

That whole ordeal was very alarming because I really never thought someone would find me so appealing to go and try to get at me. Blackmail? Ha! No.

Anyway, now that I am so close to finishing school, going home, giving the finger to this stupid Uni, I feel like I can achieve anything!! Lol. nah... but I feel better that soon I will be going home and getting out of this place!


Peace.

Flashback

I keep messing up.
I keep making things about me.
Am I selfish?
Do I really talk about myself all the time?
Do I not see others emotions?
Am I empathetic or not?

Am I talking about myself right now...?

A person I know came over to basically speak his mind. I wanted to apologize for my bad behavior and he let it be known that I make everything about myself. Even now as I write this, I really want to stop saying "I", "me", or "my"... It's made me re think how this story goes. This new thought process has made it kind of hard to speak of experience when I can't really stomach using first person.

Alright, I am going to throw that negative thought out. This space, this blog, these journals are about me. This is where I can talk about my day, my life, and my experiences without hearing from the peanut gallery.

This post is going to have 2 stories into one.


Lets start with the recent one that caused the effect of the second.
As I was saying this person came over to tell me how it really is... but he kept going back to how I make the conversation about myself. Even when I agreed with him, apparently saying, "Mhm, I tend to do that," is making it about me... -_- like seriously dude? I was agreeing. But whatever.

Throughout I wanted to hear what he had to say, but really? I have heard this all before from another guy. Another dude saying I was selfish. Another time I was always making it about me. Another person saying that I shouldn't do this or that.
Y'know, I grew up in a household where apparently I was always getting my way.
If I truly was, we would go to Disneyland more. I wouldn't go to school when I'm sick. I could stay up and watch movies. We would go out to eat every night at the place I chose. I am seriously laughing.
I always went to school sick. I had a bedtime. I couldn't go to the movies, those shits were expensive. I didn't get toys, they were useless. We couldn't go out to eat, its too much work to drive.

I am always caught between making myself liked, making myself happy, listening to others, listening to my heart. And y'know what? I've had it! Sure, I'll listen and take your words into consideration if the situation was my bad. But never, EVER tell me not to talk like its about me! For once, I'm actually doing things that involve me and my happiness! Sure, I'll let others talk. I might make them happy when I think of them, but when I feel its my time, I will bury you if you put me behind a shadow.
I am tired of always thinking about others. I have always thought about others.
I was always in the background making sure people are ok. I have had to fucking tip toe!
Wanna know what my therapist said? "Don't tip toe, if they can't handle you, then they aren't your friend. You should find someone who has the same amount of freedom around you as you do to them."
So there! I ain't gonna tip toe. I will say sorry when I made a mistake, but thats it, conversation is over. If you have more to say, then you can say it in your head. I apologized, done. Go out my door and on with your life!

-sighs- Seriously...

If I had a dollar for every time someone would comment or try to start things after I apologized I would have enough money to find a place of my own and live a peaceful life. And that dollar is every little comment they say to me for one apology. They could say up to 10 things. Like woooow. I don't wanna sit through this boring part of life, but I can't skip it like I do with movies.

Anyway, I will talk about myself, because sometimes other people are boring and have nothing to add to the conversation. I remember I had a conversation with this guy, dubbed B, and that was our first serious, deep conversation ever. I remember that I never felt bad or shy that I was talking about myself too much. He was engaging me to ask the right questions. For the first time, not going to lie, that conversation made me feel accomplished. It was a successful talk between us and I never felt that before. He also makes talking really easy, but still!


Second part:
Duuuude! After that horrendous, never again, not ever, in a million years chat, it got me thinking about my brain. There is an underlying thing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with the writing section so, we're all good here! (lol)
I know there is more to me than just my depression. I feel like I know I have more mental dents in my mind.
Which lead to me reading a tweet on FB. It said that after a while of smoking or using weed to get away from depression, it might lead to us using it because of our depression. Like "we sad so we use" became "we use because we sad." Or is it the other way? I don't know, hopefully you get my point. Now here is where I come into the story.
Over winter break, between Dec-Jan, I got some edibles. They were gummies and delicious. (not really) And anytime I was sad or felt a wave of my sadness come, I would take one. Now, over the next 2 days I ate the gummies because I kept feeling sad.
I also didn't wanna feel sad around "you know who" (if ya don't, its this dude I like).
For those 3 days straight I felt so... like I was on a loop-dee-loop rollercoaster nonstop.
When the 4th day came and I didn't take it.... yoooo those feelings of needing it were so crazy in my body.
It was like my body wanted it, but when I saw my gummies, my stomach turned so hard I almost passed out.
This story is for those to know that not all things are meant for everyone. I can't handle my depression by suppressing. But someone I know who smokes it out of her pen, she needs it to get through the day.

I think everyone has their processes. Everyone has their specific medicine. And not everyone you know should be your friend. Sometimes, it's better to stop something and feel better than to continue it and feel like a zombie.


Peace. :)

Thrilling

So, I feel life has a weird way of bringing me happiness, especially when it comes from a long ways away.
A friend of mine found a house, a new and better one, maybe bigger than mine?
Anyway, they found a great place to live, I don't have all the details but hearing that good news made me feel immense joy in my heart.

I can't wait to see it when I go back home.
I can't wait to do a lot things (or people) when I go back home.

I am excited to be a graduate when I go home, show off my body, and my new views on life.
Ugh I feel like such a bad bitch right now.
Also because of the support of my bff. She still fucks it up back home on the weekends and I wanna be like that.
If my life is falling apart, I wanna do it like a bad bitch.

I have found a good song for my life soundtrack right now.
Its french and its called Ba$$in by Yelle.

Its such a bad bitch song. I am rocking to it right now and I feel like I will achieve anything.

Well today started off the week very nice. I have work tomorrow, and I am pumped to go there.


Peace!

Nevermind

I get bored easily.
I need to do things that are stimulating for my brain.
I don't like doing homework unless I want to do it.
I don't have motivation for work.
I did pretty well this past week of working out, but sadly some snow came down.

I need company.
Small interaction.
If I don't, then I feel useless.

I'm like an introverted extrovert.
I like company, but I like to observe and still have some space.
I like taking naps and lounging in my room, but I need some flow of interaction here and there or else I feel... sad.

It's sad knowing you have depression and you can't really stop those moments where you feel like you want to do nothing. But also other times where you want to be around people, but have no one.
If I was back home, right now, I would go on a train and get off in LA, Glendale, or Hollywood.
I would walk around, until I had enough time wandering with other strangers and head home.

But I'm not.
I'm stuck.
I hate it.

I want to go home at times, and others.... well, I feel like I would miss a lot.
But then I remember moments like this and I definitely would rather be home than be stranded with no way out.

Maybe I'll talk quietly to our fish in the apartment.



I feel so fucking stupid. And alone... I just wish people would visit me.




peace

Shocked

I haven't hit my prime years and yet... my life has more to say than a guy trying to prove he was right in an argument. (lol at that metaphor)

What I mean is... I thought my life would be dull, but it has been everything else except that.

What shocked me was how my life went from "being a dull/invisible being to the world" to "whats next on the checklist set out by society"? Ok. So not a good way of putting it, but let me explain.

18 years: starting college, having a roommate who did hardcore drugs, a drinking party that got out of hand, almost witnessed a sexual harassment situation (I stopped it), took care of a drunk girl (who is now my friend, lol), so many people having sex, and studying abroad.

Now 19 to 20 years is mostly meh. I developed an eating disorder that was found out because my friend saw me lose a lot of weight in a short amount of time. And she also knew that I wasn't doing shit, so it was unhealthy. I also was attacked in a way at a club in London. I almost hooked up in a club, but politely declined because I was in a relationship. Walked home by myself after the people I went with to the party wanted to stay. Mind you, I walked alone, in a different country, when the public transport wasn't operating. I went to my partners country and met the family. I had a rough time there and didn't explode until the last few days because I was tired from being "lost" (in a sense) during the whole trip.
Oh yeah, most of the time, I had a lot of good times even though there were rough patches.
I forgot to add, but when I was 18 I had sex for the first time.... it wasn't great in the sense that, I don't want to sound mean, but it was literally getting played with down there by another person. That doesn't make sense probably, but I am just saying that having sex for the first time isn't a big deal and people shouldn't be afraid. I was so afraid I thought I was going to pass out. I almost did. 

Jumping to this year, I am old enough for adult things. Little did I know, being an adult, has dumb adult things that follow me.

So to sum all this up, even though it is only February, I have a nice total.
I have a hater.
Her stalker friends.
A fake friend. (snuffed that out real nice)
A creepy ex-friend. (he was like a creepy sexual predator)
A group of people who have nothing better to do than to dislike me. (like go back to getting alcohol poisoning, thanks)
A mother who blames me for shit.
A father who is still shitty.
An ex who keeps frustrating me and acts childish. (found out that I am a delight and he was basically gaslighting me our whole relationship)

One thing I will get right and still trying to be happy.
Whether it is with my many mental illnesses or even finding out that being alone could mean that I get to sleep for a whole day without anyone bothering me. And I think that is a delight.
Though I wish I brought my crochet materials...Damn. Anyway, if I am going to live my life, then I get to say what is a mistake and what isn't. No one else should tell me if drinking a bottle of rose at 4 in the morning is bad, no! Only I will decide. And I will try to not let others judge me or let their judging get to me.
Well, I guess I better sleep.



Peace.

Thunder

It is not every day that it rains.
Less if there is lightning and thunder.
But when it does it... you will find me in a corner, a hole, covered in a blanket, shaking, crying, or anything else.

I hate it.
Tonight was ok. There was fog and it was raining, no big deal, I can handle it.
When it hit a certain time, thunder struck my campus, shook my building, and sent me running.
I felt stupid.
I was breathing fast and hard.
My head was dizzy.
I was about to faint.
One thing I will never forget was, "When you feel like you're about to fall, sit/lie down."
That is what I did, in fetal position, and continued to cry my eyes out.

I thought I could call the only person who could calm me down.
He didn't answer the first 2 times. Wow what a dick, and when I actually needed him.
I called again. He picks up and I hear a sigh. WOoOooOOooOw ok.
"What?"
I made a face... ok never mind, I won't call you in future times then. If you don't want to be helpful and get me through this hard time for me.
No, I'll just lie here crying for the next hour until the thunder decides to take a break.
Yeah, lemme just be here, shaking, crying, face buzzing, and my hands too unsteady to even hold the phone.
"You're an adult, this is stupid."
WOW.
Ok, fine then. You experience a panic attack and next time you need someone, don't come for me. Better yet, call your mother.
Because I know that my mom won't get it, she doesn't believe in mental illnesses, so why would she believe I am having a panic attack over some noise?
Right? It's just some noise? Some stupid, loud, crashing noise?

Yeah, I haven't been depended on you in a while, and I would never ask unless it is serious.
So you know what? Next time it does hit, the thunder, I will fucking cry again.
I'll have a panic attack, alone in my room, where no one knows its happening.

I guess everyone was right. I should stop depending on you. You dismiss, belittle, and make me feel like a fool for being like this.

I'm done.
I'll fight on my own then.
And I'll just use you for my own enjoyment. Isn't that what you have been doing to me?

From this day forward, I will have no pity, no patience, no heart, and only anger towards you.
I will tell you what I want from you and you can decide to except it or not.

Fuck You!

Trigger Words

I had a lovely week and I went for a walk with one of my friends.

We talked about everything going on... and I mean everything!
And she was fun to talk to about what was going on in my life.
She is like me, she talks about things that we relate to, and she isn't afraid to be transparent.
We talked about school, sex, and relationships.
She also made some cookies and they were yummy!

Also guess who is ignoring me? Eh, I shouldn't worry about it because I should be focused, but oh well.
I just hope that I can focus when I graduate too. I need a job for money.
I can't be distracted by some dude, who is great in bed, but horrible in the streets.

I also keep forgetting to eat, but to be honest, after I workout, I don't feel hungry.
I have been getting headaches again.
I have been crying again, because life is stressful.
And I am trying so hard to finish school, but sometimes, I don't want to do anything.

I have to wake up early for some training.
I have to remember to sleep.
I have to finish my assignments.
I have to get up.


Peace.

Release

I basically fired someone as my friend.
Goodbye, I don't want you right now in my life.
I think they were happy. I don't know, they haven't seen my message or replied.

It was my ex.
Ew, even thinking about that seems weird.
Another person becoming my ex... what does that make it, 4?
Amazing.
Had 2 girlfriends and 2 boyfriends. Next I shall pic the only friend I ever need, myself.

I just read something online, someone said, "Easy to spot a yellow car when you are always thinking of a yellow car. Easy to spot opportunity when you are always thinking of opportunity. Easy to spot reasons to be mad when you are always thinking of being mad. You become what you constantly think about. Watch yourself."

And I took that in a funny way, of course. Like oh I'm thinking about sex, maybe I might get sex. Or I am thinking of having a partner again. But really? I have been thinking about what my ex is doing. Texting that girl again. Not listening to me. Not texting me. Not caring.
That last one hurts because people say that everyone who cares about you would show it, yet my ex doesn't seem to give a care about me, so why should I? EXACTLY! 
I shouldn't care. I should care, however about my own well being, because frankly it is shitty. And my ex doesn't care about my health.

Want to know something funny? I showed him my scars and he started to exclaim. Exclaim! Can you believe that? Once I had evidence and scars and proof, OH NOW HE CARES. I laugh at that.

Don't do that. Don't do what I did. Don't hurt yourself for some low life nobody to try and get them to care for you. They don't. They only care when it is convenient for them.
Sucks cause all of his friends are exactly like that.
One thing I will miss, is the sex, kissing, and cuddling.
Like I could probably do without sex... but the intimate and sensual shit? I loved it.
Oh well. Gotta move on I guess.

Anyway, time to focus on myself, my mental illnesses, and trying to graduate.
Oh and not taking shit from my mother anymore. I am way over this from someone who.... not even going to get into it. My mother is not worth my time.

Also, I am going to see the movie The Upside. I've already seen the French version, so I'll check this one out and compare it.




Peace. :)

Understanding Myself

I feel as though I went through life without focusing on myself.
And now that I am focusing on myself, I feel like I am not who I really am.
I am doing research, asking people, and figuring out on my own what I am.

When I say "what", I truly mean what. It is not to say that I am a thing, more like I am searching for "what" is inside of me that makes me, me.

I have habits.
I have feelings.
And I see other people have certain habits.
I see their feelings.
Yes, everyone is different, but I see myself so different that I don't feel human.

I tried talking it out with someone to figure it out, but I don't get the results I want.
So, I take it into my own hands and try to do it on my own.

Wish me luck on figuring it out and hoping to find conclusions and have my mind at ease.


Peace.

Absent to the World

yo.... I almost froze to death.
I almost died in a hot death trap.
I wanted to break so hard.
I wanted to crash and bleed.

There is no end in sight and I have no clue how to stop it.
You know, there is medicine out there that helps "sustain" life, but won't cure an illness.
I know because both my grandparents were on it, my mom is on it, and I might need to be on it.

Everyone has their own medicine.

Mine is unknown for me and I really need some so I can function.
I have a substitute.
I listen to music while I type here.
I organize things at my work.
I have to keep busy with my hands.
And I fucked up, because I forgot my crochet stuff, damn.
I can't keep busy by reading, drinking, smoking, lying down, watching something, or even talking....
I NEED TO MOVE MY HANDS and I have no clue why.
Piano class helped, volleyball, crochet, typing, writing, tapping, wiggling, or even touching my hair.
I just have to do something with my hands or else I feel like I go insane.

There is an exception though... someone out there can make me forget about fidgeting. They can make me laugh and make me cry and make me interested in what is going on.
But they aren't there anymore.
Maybe I can find a substitute.

no one visits.
no one calls.
no one does anything.

Fine, then I will do nothing in return.
I am going to go deeper into this sadness and see what happens.
I might die.
Or I might prosper.
Whatever the outcome, just know that I documented how I felt here.



Peace.

Never Like This

Never have I ever had this feeling.
But also, never was I ever this way, until I met you.

Your body, your face, your voice.... I crave it more and more each day I am away from you.
I keep adding photos to our shared album, but it never ceases to amaze me that in any of them, you look so fucking hot!
Even the dorky ones.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I am not think with my head or my heart, I am thinking with my... you know what.

Has anyone ever been so attracted to a person you love that you want to do so many things with them??
In the end, even if we are cuddling and you pet my head... I would love it.

I am in my room typing this and on another tab is the photo album. It isn't good that I keep looking at one photo in particular and I have chocolate in my room. (It is said that chocolate is an aphrodisiac)
So I am doing my best to calm down and breathe slowly. Anyway, I don't think I have ever felt this pure lust for you in my whole time I have been with you. I know we are friends and I know we don't do things in public, only private. And that is fine!
What isn't fine is me wanting more of you, when I know damn well that I don't need you.

But right now, as I said before, I am not thinking with my head or heart, it is the other part of my body and I cannot contain this feeling for you.
It sucks and I want it to stop.
I think I'll go to bed now.



Peace.